What is her thinking process after what I did? Please help

Hi, I've lurked for a week and finally decided to ask for some insight for my situation. Any feedback will be greatly appreciated. Please bear with me because my native tone isn't English.
I know her for about 1 year and half, and our romantic relationship lasted for less than 3 months (we lived together during the period). She devaluated me since I called her selfish. But exactly as what I learned from this forum, she suddenly became charming and friendly and tried to manipulate me again after I told her “I genuinely loved you and wanted to commit every bit of me”, which (I think) is true. Well, I bluntly refused her last manipulation attempt, and she raged again. She really lost it (She was cursing and outrageous on a social website). Our last correspondence was I told her this (in my native language):
“I love you and care for you but I will not do what you want me to do. Perhaps I would do it if it were from anyone else, but I won’t do it for you because you are a special person to me.”
Her answer was:
“You keep talking about love at night and refuse being friend (the entitlement for doing things for her, I guess) at day. You are so hard to please, and I won’t deal it anymore!” (Simultaneously, outrage appears on the social website).
For my part, I should’ve known better. I want a distant but friendly relation for practical reasons such as our small social circle (we are foreigners here, in a small town in the mid-south region of US). I thought I could “manipulate” her by giving her my compliment and admiration (still narcissist supply, right?) without compromising my own interests (spending time and resources to please her). After the outrage, she stopped any activity on all social websites/apps, and she was previously very active on this sort of things (when we were not in the middle of sex).
Now my question is: by giving her both positive (telling her I love her and long for her love) and negative (will not do things for her) feedback, did I really hurt her (whatever it means, either common sense for hurting people or the narcissist injury)? Or she has simply moved on and is enjoying her new fulfilling life with her new supplies?
I feel I really want to do something for her, although all information I read has pointed out to a conclusion that there is nothing meaningful I can do (please prove me wrong). During our last correspondence I bluntly asked her if she knew something called narcissistic personality (I didn’t type the last word). She seemed knowing something about it and acted very very defensively as if I was going to insult her. I then falsely (out of fear of appearing criticizing) confessed that I had NPD, that I was incapable of feeling her feeling and that I felt ashamed about it. Then she accepted it and told me “don’t make the same mistake to your next lover again”. And I asked her wasn’t she curious to google about it. I never know if she did. Now I am so intrigued by, or even obsessed with, reading from this forum about the NPD. Can’t get over with her in the title might be an exaggeration but I really want to know more about her. The way she looks when she is anxious makes feel sad. By the way, she told me she started having depression in the past year (she takes two prescription medicines), and she can be anxious any moment for no reason (my observation confirms this, and she unknowingly bite her nails like in the movie Black Swan.
Again, any feedback, either on me or on her, will be greatly appreciated.

“I love you and care for you but I will not do what you want me to do. Perhaps I would do it if it were from anyone else, but I won’t do it for you because you are a special person to me.”

If this manipulation is like pay for mama's ticket to come live with us, then your ex was in narcissistic mode. It was all about what she wanted. She could not process minor hurts without attacking you. You entered defensive mode yourself and professed love to appease. Her response to that was to enter entitled mode again and start with her request list. Now the issue I have is that BOTH of you were doing a share of the manipulation. You need to confide what she was asking you to do during the day that you wouldn't do for her but for anyone else...That sounds like a passive aggressive statement that would trigger most of us here. Without knowing a bit more of these details it is hard to get an accurate picture of what pattern might be presenting in your relationship. How old you are is also relevant. Some cultures don't play friends with benefits unless you put a ring on it. I gather you didn't move in with each other to just share the rent so what did you expect from her that she wasn't prepared to give. Why was she selfish ?
Your English is fine. Just need more clarification. Marg

I want you to know I started being manipulative afterwards as well. I think they call them fleas we pick up from being around them. Can you do NC? Remember everything you say or do will be remembered and twisted for her use.

margharris wrote:Now the issue I have is that BOTH of you were doing a share of the manipulation. You need to confide what she was asking you to do during the day that you wouldn't do for her but for anyone else...

Hi Marg,

Thank you for taking time to read my post and reply to it.

I am 29 and she 23. I am a 4th year phd student. She is preparing for GMAT test and still in language school. We lived together up to the night we broke up. Possibly useful side information would be from that she was quite pretty and having many guy friends to that I paid for half of the rent plus everything else including grocery/entertainments/restaurant/bills/travel (I was supposed to take her to DC to meet my family this thanksgiving). I am still paying her cell phone bill as of now.

I told her I wouldn't help her for anything because I felt she was either trying to get back with me or just to exploit me upfront. In the night before I sent the text I quoted, I sent her message to apologize because I really felt bad about the way I treated her by making her move out (I never did anything like this to any of my ex). In reply to the apology, she granted me her forgiveness and her friendship ("we can still be friends"). I was like "WTH?". Being speechless, I didn't reply.

That being said, the next day, she called me 5 or 6 times and left me messages asking my whereabouts. I pretended I didn't bring the phone, and I suspected she wanted a ride to hospital to get a doctor's note for missing class (she told me later she didn't go to school that day). I replied her first text, which was asking for the phone number of doctor appointment, and asked her if she was OK. She said she was fine but she missed Fatball (my cat) and wanted to see her. I agreed. Because I she was trying to seduce (I suspect) me back last time (opening the door almost naked), I took my friends with me when she visited. With my friend's presence, she acted like she was still the hostess and it was her showing the hospitality in my home (btw she had really low opinion about my friends, every single one). She didn't seem in a hurry and asked me to print some pictures for an upcoming school event for some complete strangers (the excuse was they somehow couldn't use the school printer because of her, and she made them the promise). So I started doing what she told. And she asked to borrow my portable speaker ($400 value). I agreed, very resentfully, but she either wouldn't sense it or choose not to. Upon learning that I would be printing 10 more color pictures which I would be searching from Internet, I bluntly told her that I didn't want to do this and that she should be going. She was upset but she didn't rage, not yet. She was the last person to step out my door, and she even protested that she didn't want to leave yet. I insisted. She almost fell off the stairs. No one spoke anything on the way to her hotel. She was really mad. All my friends urged to not contact her, and I also believed that was the most wise thing to do. But eventually I sent her text asking if she was OK, also including the text I quoted in the previous post.

I admit the intention of text was a manipulative appeasement but I didn't always act like that. I believe that is one of the two times I consciously and actively try to manipulate. Although I knew a healthy friendship was not possible with her, I thought I could just remove the bitterness and somehow appease her. Also because I asked her about the NPD thing, I used manipulation to skip the confrontation, which I was not prepared for.

Am I being emotionally abusive here or what I did was actually inconsequential to her at all? I am not sure if it is a N/NPD thing or Non do this as well but I am in a stalking mode. I check her social website status many times per day but no update at all. Because her cell phone bill is under my name, I can see her phone calls and text messages. Her communication diminished dramatically to a point that she only has about 3 or 4 phone calls, all being quite short (mostly 1 minute only), per day with her official bf and one friend.

Although I tend to think that I genuinely care for her, I will try to be objective about myself as I am questioning and asking to be judged whether or not I am having some N traits as well. So my current status is that I am being really interested in her current status. Having been reflecting my own history with girls that I dated, the date pattern could really be fit in that of a NPD....I mean the three stages, only that I may have kept the devaluating stage to myself from the girl sometimes. In the past few days I did some personality tests. Surprisingly, according to the tests, I have quite good emotion quotient (above 95% of people), but very low empathy quotient (above 22%). I know I am maybe a little bit Machiavellian, but I always thought that part of me came from my interests in stories of history and warfare. Another test showed that I am 67% of paranoia and 48% of narcissism. And I seemingly don't feel the narcissistic injury up criticism from people I perceive superior to me. Are they enough to dismiss the idea that I might be a covert N?

-- Fri Nov 15, 2013 10:29 am --

jenny2682 wrote:I want you to know I started being manipulative afterwards as well. I think they call them fleas we pick up from being around them. Can you do NC? Remember everything you say or do will be remembered and twisted for her use.

I suppose I should do NC and move on. After seeing how lengthy my reply to Marg was, I am thinking I might be just being paranoid.

When you started manipulative, were you still in the relationship?

We can't offer any kind of diagnosis on the forum. If you really want to know, you need to go to a professional to work out what label fits you. In my opinion, you seem like a normal guy who's having trouble dealing with relationship issues. Your friend might or might not be NPD, but it looks like there is even more to it than that. She has other issues going on which, again, she would need to see a professional to help her through it.

VincL wrote: Am I being emotionally abusive here or what I did was actually inconsequential to her at all? I am not sure if it is a N/NPD thing or Non do this as well but I am in a stalking mode. I check her social website status many times per day but no update at all. Because her cell phone bill is under my name, I can see her phone calls and text messages. Her communication diminished dramatically to a point that she only has about 3 or 4 phone calls, all being quite short (mostly 1 minute only), per day with her official bf and one friend.

Your relationship as a whole appears to be very unhealthy. Stop stalking her. Seriously.
Her problems are not your problems. Who she calls or talks to is none of your business. Do whatever it takes to keep yourself from checking her FB and cell phone records.

VincL wrote:I suppose I should do NC and move on. After seeing how lengthy my reply to Marg was, I am thinking I might be just being paranoid.

No Contact would be best, IMO. Get her out of your head and move on.

Hi VincL,
I agree with your own thinking and findings. You may have some difficulties in relationships but there is no real evidence for you being N. Your own sense of control was triggered as a reaction.
Narcissistic types are very enticing and interesting people. They break boundaries, they flaunt sexuality, they make requests that seem like tests to see how much you can do for them. That is how they win you over every time. You end up with the chore list, the bill and a sense of losing yourself.
Now this game has been played out. You see how she plays. She is what she is and no one will change her.
So at close quarters your paranoia is triggered and you sense her engulfment strategy. You push her out of the house. Once your paranoia settles down, you wonder what happened and start to second guess yourself. Your friends all concur that you should have nothing to do with her but they haven't had the taste that you have had. You want something she offers but the whole package is too much.
You cannot be friends with this girl and you know it. You need to strengthen your resolve to not contact her. Unfortunately human resolve is generally poor when enticed by N. You might do a few laps of seduce/exploit before your resolve is strong enough to quit for keeps. If you have high self esteem, you can think you can handle it better next time. So you send the text just to ask if she is OK. It is a thrill for a strong swimmer to brave a rough sea. But you are out of your depth here.
It would be wise to leave her alone. The phone arrangement cannot continue so either buy it out or disconnect. Facebook checking is part of the obsession. So long as you don't act on the compulsion to contact her, this should resolve itself over time. But as I said, resolve is often a lot weaker than we think. Your need to contact her seems harmless but it opens the door every time. It is enticing to leave the door open? Marg

“I love you and care for you but I will not do what you want me to do. Perhaps I would do it if it were from anyone else, but I won’t do it for you because you are a special person to me.” []

This statement is not going to make much sense to an N. If you love them, In their mind you have become one of their possessions therefor they expect you to do anything they want you to. If you refuse than you in their mind you don't love them and no longer belong to them. "I love you, but I don't love you...?" which is it? they would think.

The N after broke up and posted negative social messages. I think she was hoping you would relent and take her back, and do what she wanted you to do. (You could have been like many guys that will cave in because they can't handle really letting her go.)

Using your printer was just an excuse she came up with to get you to let her in.(She could have used a printer at any number of other places.) In her mind she is now much closer to her goal of getting you back, or at least manipulating you for some N. supply. Give them an inch and they will take a mile.

Doesn't seem to be an nicer way to deal with a N then just ignoring/avoiding them.

Everyone at times does something that might satisfy the description of one or more of a NPD(or any PD) traits. It usually means nothing, perhaps they were upset/stressed or had momentary bad judgment. You can't be a short term N, its a live long condition.
To get the official NPD stamp on your forehead you need have 5 or more of those traits over the long term and together they must cause you significant social impairment.