Desperately need help. Or a listening ear.

At 19 years of age, it just dawned on me that I'm a covert narcissist.. I used to just think I was an angry and defensive person (which I still am), but NPD was the last thing on my mind. At first, I thought I had BDD, but I was just being obsessed with myself. After evaluating all aspects of my life and how I process information, my thoughts, feelings.. I am 99% convinced that I'm an almost full-blown covert N. The reason why I say almost full-blown is because I believe I still have the desire to be normal, to truly be happy, love others and be genuinely human. Deep down, I believe that's what I want.. it's just that I don't know who to ask for help and who to even talk to. I hope this place will be of some help to me. Btw, I am a girl.. So these are some of the reasons I think I'm an N:

1. After doing a bit of research on covert N, I realized that I come across to others as introverted, defensive, anxious and sensitive, but I'm in fact harboring feelings of resentment inside that people don't recognize how brilliant/talented/etc. I am. I often evoke feelings of discomfort in others, and most people don't like me, especially when we first interact. It was hard admitting this to myself at first, much less to others, but it's something that has to be done.

2. Constantly needing reassurance about my beauty, intelligence and talents and subconsciously seeking out friends that are empathic (I don't know if any of you are into astrology, but most of my friends have been Pisceans, the empath, 'feeler' types).

3. I'm always thinking that people have hidden motives and intentions, and are out to 'get me' in small ways. I feel like I'm more genuine than them.

4. Believe that people are jealous or envious of me. This aspect of my NPD is one that has the strongest hold over me, in my opinion. I tend to revert to this kind of thinking each time someone doesn't like me, or each time someone passes off a remark I deem as a 'personal attack'. It is hard for me to just accept that it might be my $#%^*y a** personality.

Apparently, covert NPD is the most malignant form of narcissism, and I REALLY want to get help for this because I feel like I'm sinking deeper and deeper, and that if I continue it's going to be too late to turn back. It's not the kind of life I want to have.

vdx17
To me you are not a narcissist per sa. I have NPD parents and neither of them would ever admit fault, blame, or had any self-awareness whatsoever.
They were innately, pathologically narcissistic, my mother was born like it and maybe my father was too there was no hope of change.
As for you there is hope, you are aware of your traits and don't won't to live like that. I had a ex partner similar to you, he had learnt his traits from his NPD mother. Unlike a pathological narc if told him about his behaviour he could change.
He had a good job, changes were being made, the staff was being consulted, however the boss turned to him and said "Oh no good asking you" and walked off. My ex hurt, why was he left out?
Later puzzled he had a private chat with he boss. The boss said, well, all you do is criticize, ridicule and pour scorn on any ideas anyone has, so I already know your opinion.
He was shocked, he hadn't realized that's how he was seen. He promised there and than he would not act like that again and would give and ideas a fair hearing.
He also found out why the girl in the office would not speak to him and would bury her head in her work every time he walk in the office, turned out she was terrified of him, of his sharp tongue and quick wit that he used to cut people down.
He didn't realise he was seen as such a a##e. And he worked on changing.
He didn't want to be a narc. He was a nice guy under that prickly exterior.

You sound very hurt and angry, probably for good reason feelings I can understand. I think you underneath are a good person you deserve better and things can change for you, but its hard work and takes a long time.

I'm not a covert narcissist but I do know what its like to harbour feelings on the inside you don't show on the outside and how much anger and resentment that can cause, whatever the feelings are.

I reckon when people feel that they're incredibly talented but aren't able to get it out in the world and show it to people they either feel like other people will automatically react to them as if they were worthless (whether they believe that themselves or not) or they feel poweless in some way or on some level. Yes narcissism can be a compensation for low self esteem but I reckon it works both ways and making sense of those two things can help to build some.

Its actually not inappropriate to show others how talented you are, but putting stuff into the outside world can appear to be allowing others to control its outcome - if you have a problem with worth on some level that doesn't just allow them to control your worth but also would impact what you feel is a possible outcome the same way as with power/powerlessness. Also it means you're "putting yourself to the test" or "being required to prove something" and if you don't have any sense of personal power in relation to that it can mean you feel you have no ability to do that (regardless of what you think or know about your own capability.)

I don't know if that's useful or useless. Its probably a bit advanced in relation to what else is in the post, but who knows, people might find it useful.

Yorkshirelass, so how did you conclude your ex does not have NPD? Because after he was told that how he acted reflected bad on his image he changed? No $#%^, he never ever felt that people were intimidated by him, scared by him, humiliated by him...It didn't connect until it was explained to him that it hurts his image. And when it did connect - becasue he was told so - he felt sorry - he didn't want to be seen like that, he wanted to be seen as cool. It must have caused a great injury to him. He was lucky to realize the truth in a way that did not make him want revenge. That's the only thing that causes the difference between a good response and an erroneous resposne. If, for example, he would be called out for it in front of a crowd this would blind him to what he is and he would consider this an attack and go and plan his revenge and delude himself how they're out to get him because he's smarter than everyone and tells them the truth about how stupid they are.

I actually managed to become aware of such stuff on my own while still growing, but I still have the NPD issues 15 years later - lack of self. I hurt myself through my cerebral domination more than once and simply learnt to do in covert ways, in ways that don't make others feel invalidated or violated or often not do it all.

I am very much persuaded that a smart, reasonably well brought up NPDer can develop a relatively well adapted sense of what is right and wrong and live by it making them relatively undetectable compared to NoNs. Such an NPDer would not leave a wake of damage behind him but he will still feel empty and go through smaller self-defeats just to remind him what his problem is. NPDers adapt and it is quite logical to presume that there are very well adapted NPDers who still suffer the same basic issue but have developed well organized rules that keep them out of trouble which they learnt the hard way. It's only those NPDers that don't adapt that remain stubbornly obvious and dysfunctional that seem to get all the attention.

My belief is that the obvious, more diagnosable narcs have had worse experiences that made them traumatized in some ways causing the error thought process that is NPD to result in more extreme symptoms from more extreme arousal. Making NPD obvious.

My point is that not all NPDers are malignant, but they all still suffer the same error in thinking, IMO coverts are often only malignant to themselves mostly, they just have the potential to be very malignant to others if life circumstances provides them the opportunity which I believe is rare due to ever-failing nature of the covert not being able to produce such circumstances.

Well addx maybe we will have to agree to differ on a few things.
I can assure you my NPD parents, ex husband and sister have no inclination to change whatsoever, and N rage would ensue if you implied any criticize of them.
My sister has said on more than one occasion that she "Doesn't worry, care about others or feel much of anything". That is the nearest she's ever got to introspection or any self awareness. I mentioned a small minor thing to her a year ago which she took as criticism and she went totally apeshit at me, right in my face, I was rubbish, I was jealous of her, how dare I, everything was my fault. N Rage, Rage, Rage.
The voracity of her unprovoked attack shook me.

IMO there is a difference between a narc born that way and I do believe some are, and one that has 'learnt' NPD and become traited & damaged by living with that behaviour.

Hi all, thank you for the responses, even though I felt that addx went a little off track, but it was still somewhat helpful to my situation. I am trying to seek out a therapist, but I would love to hear more anecdotes/experiences/etc. that might be helpful to my situation.

Edit: Yorkshirelass, I think I am a pathological narcissist because I've acted in self-serving ways for as long as I can remember. That probably has to do with me being the only child, but I can remember being a little more unusually self-absorbed as a kid than other kids my age. I didn't realize the extent of my behavior until I was in my late teens. Came to a vague realization at 15, and now I'm pretty sure I'm an N

Still contemplating on whether or not I should seek out a therapist, it's not that I don't want to get better, it just scares me. If going to a therapist reaffirms my suspicions, it would kill me. I just want to be normal.

Yorkshirelass wrote:Well addx maybe we will have to agree to differ on a few things.
I can assure you my NPD parents, ex husband and sister have no inclination to change whatsoever, and N rage would ensue if you implied any criticize of them.

Your parents wont change FOR YOU. You are just a subordinate object and no effort will be exerted for on you. Infact, any effort they do exert for you is infact a consequence of them changing/adapting themselves to avoid the image of being bad parents - which means the effort was exerted for others - mostly those who have some means of control over them - are not subordinates like you.
Also, I trust a young NPDer is a lot more adaptive and still changing than the older NPDers who are mostly dead stuck in their patterns, especially if trapped by a situation like marriage and kids.

So, can we still agree then?

-- Fri Oct 25, 2013 1:29 pm --

vdx17 wrote:Hi all, thank you for the responses, even though I felt that addx went a little off track, but it was still somewhat helpful to my situation. I am trying to seek out a therapist, but I would love to hear more anecdotes/experiences/etc. that might be helpful to my situation.

Read threads started by me, I had an obsession about explaining narcissism, still do infact.

dissecting NPD
NPD roots
covert narc relationship process

and maybe some others.

Thank you addx, will do. I know you were replying Yorkshirelass, but I already know I look bad to others, I am used to it.. I truly feel that I want to change for other people, I want people to feel HAPPY when they're with me, not drained, exhausted, because they're constantly supplying me with N Supply.. I believe that at the least, that's what the people around me (family, friends) deserve, even though I may be VERY reluctant to give it. Does it sound like I have hope?

vdx17 wrote:Thank you addx, will do. I know you were replying Yorkshirelass, but I already know I look bad to others, I am used to it.. I truly feel that I want to change for other people, I want people to feel HAPPY when they're with me, not drained, exhausted, because they're constantly supplying me with N Supply.. I believe that at the least, that's what the people around me (family, friends) deserve, even though I may be VERY reluctant to give it. Does it sound like I have hope?

It sounds like you have hope becoming more covert that way It is not a bad thing, you'll be more balanced, but what you're really saying is that you're still a narcissist, you just went through a major perspective change on what to do to get people to like you. It is a good perspective shift and will make you relate better to others, but it doesn't mean you're cured, you're still doing the thinking in the same way, just with new information at your disposal. You want to be liked.