How is your Cerebral N in bed?

As a non with a N then-husband, who I would say is more a cerebral N, but very into body, both extremes. In the beginning, he was super-sexy, sensual, really great in bed, and a romantic cuddler. But then things became more mechanical. He much later told me that was because he did not think I was that into sex (similar to what __King said in an earlier comment). But when I initiated more and when some things changed for me,I worked on some things, and I was much more obviously into it, he then shut down and shut me out. He then became asexual in our relationship. He asked me to show him more when I was into it, and then he freaked when I did.

I feel in retrospect like in the early days, I was idealized in every way, put on a pedestal, and he went out of his way to make the love-making great. When, that initial lovefest phase was over, it was more mechanical, and mostly about his pleasure. Toward the end of our marriage, once I was devalued, sex disappeared. The abrupt end to it seemed to me also in response to maybe feeling threatened to a new sexually agressive me (nothing too out of the ordinary to be so scary!).

So, my experience with the N was more either really great or nonexistant, both extremes.

escapefor1 wrote:I feel in retrospect like in the early days, I was idealized in every way, put on a pedestal, and he went out of his way to make the love-making great. When, that initial lovefest phase was over, it was more mechanical, and mostly about his pleasure. Toward the end of our marriage, once I was devalued, sex disappeared. The abrupt end to it seemed to me also in response to maybe feeling threatened to a new sexually agressive me (nothing too out of the ordinary to be so scary!).

So, my experience with the N was more either really great or nonexistant, both extremes.

The problem with Narcs sexual life is a problem of intimacy. We don't dig intimacy. We don't do it. It is not part of our program. We know its definition from the books and from what people say about it, but we really can't even imagine what it is like.
Therefore, while having sex, everything we do to please our partners is done consciously and deliberately. We are never 'overwhelmed' or 'lost' in the experience, unless we are pleasing ourselves. You see, without knowing it, we classify sexual actions into types: actions to please ourselves(which we really enjoy) and actions to please our partner(work we do to manipulate and impress the partner so she remains functional and provides pleasure and N supply)
We never 'love' our partner, we never 'share' her sensations of joy. She is always a 'tool'.

Thus, what your narc had done at the beginning of the relation to satisfy you was not a sign of affection. It was just 'work' that needed to be done to 'impress' you so he could manipulate you easily afterwards. Once he became sure that you became a functional tool, he started using you for the really important purpose: to gain pleasure from you. His pleasure, not yours. Narcs are lazy and once they feel they don't have to do the 'effort' of 'mimicking' intimacy they stop doing it with a sigh of relief and focus on pleasing themselves. that is why the sex became mechanical and focused on his pleasure.

If you complain, the narc will regard you as a nuisance and try to shut you up using any lie, which is usually a very stupid lie because narcs can' really understand emotions and that makes them rather dumb liars. So he tells you he is not interested because you are not into sex, or because you are cold, or whatever.
Since it is hard for any sane human being to assume that the Narc is lying such an incredibly stupid lie to cover a total lack of intimacy and an unbelievable level of selfishness, you would try to force yourself to believe that maybe he is telling the truth ( and that will give him a false sense of cleverness and comfort , as in "wow I tricked her, ain't I clever?").

But if you believe his lie it means you will work harder on proving that you are not cold and you are indeed into sex, and that will scare him triple fold; first because it threatens his lie to be uncovered and that threatens his self-confidence and threatening a narc's self confidence is an act of hostility- just like charging at him with a cleaver. And second, because you cease to be a functioning tool and become a demanding tool instead, and third because you are asking him to do 'effort' and 'work' to please you while he don't want that, he had done enough effort and he wants to please himself now. Thus, he will avoid you like the plague and stop all sexual activities with you.

Sorry if any of this seemed harsh or shocking, but I was trying to explain the facts as they are. I can imagine how much you suffer, or at least i can try to imagine. But the way I see it, the one who is really i n hell is your narc partner , not you. You have the chance to find and experience true love, but he will never have that chance, at least unless he is cured. he might go to his grave not even knowing how beautiful life could've been.

Sex with my cerebral narc was terrible. Even during the initial phase of the relationship.

When we first starting dating she often forgot the sex since it typically involved alcohol consumption. On some rare occasions Xanax allowed her to "relax" and feel comfortable.

I often remember thinking "this is by far the worst sex I've ever had". Call me insane but a few months in to the relationship I remember worrying that maybe she had a sex change because she was terrified to show me her vagina and hid it during sex. She claimed that someone told her that vaginas that flap out slightly are ugly and that since hers was an outtie she was uncomfortable. Looking back I think it was an excuse.

We had sex on a schedule, usually Saturdy morning, for 10 minutes. While we held each other and caressed each other nearly every night, the sex was limited. Sometimes I would go 2 or 3 weeks with no sex.

She also expressed that sex in bed was "boring". She was turned on by sex in cars or in public, even grimy bathrooms. I was not, I found it gross.

The sex we did have was mechanical. Usually in missionary with her just lying there. On the rare occasion she got on top of me, I was used more like a dildo, with her barely moving and with her arm nearly suffocating my neck. Very bizarre looking back.

The only somewhat normal sex we had was on vacations at a 5 star hotels. That seemed to put her in the mood.

You may wonder why I settled for this.. I shouldn't have devalued my high sex drive, but her good girl image and calm (yeah right) demeanor hooked me. I made a decision to forgo sexual chemistry for normalcy. The good that did me!! When she left she said sex was boring and that I failed to excite her by not wanting public sex, going to strip clubs or watching porn with her!!

KingNothing wrote:The problem with Narcs sexual life is a problem of intimacy. We don't dig intimacy. We don't do it. It is not part of our program. We know its definition from the books and from what people say about it, but we really can't even imagine what it is like.
Therefore, while having sex, everything we do to please our partners is done consciously and deliberately. We are never 'overwhelmed' or 'lost' in the experience, unless we are pleasing ourselves. You see, without knowing it, we classify sexual actions into types: actions to please ourselves(which we really enjoy) and actions to please our partner(work we do to manipulate and impress the partner so she remains functional and provides pleasure and N supply)
We never 'love' our partner, we never 'share' her sensations of joy. She is always a 'tool'.

I would agree with this assessment. I don't know what it's like to be "lost in the experience" with a sexual partner. The best sex is when it's with someone who I've classified as a "whore."

DCEE wrote:Sex with my cerebral narc was terrible. Even during the initial phase of the relationship.

When we first starting dating she often forgot the sex since it typically involved alcohol consumption. On some rare occasions Xanax allowed her to "relax" and feel comfortable.

I often remember thinking "this is by far the worst sex I've ever had". Call me insane but a few months in to the relationship I remember worrying that maybe she had a sex change because she was terrified to show me her vagina and hid it during sex. She claimed that someone told her that vaginas that flap out slightly are ugly and that since hers was an outtie she was uncomfortable. Looking back I think it was an excuse.

We had sex on a schedule, usually Saturdy morning, for 10 minutes. While we held each other and caressed each other nearly every night, the sex was limited. Sometimes I would go 2 or 3 weeks with no sex.

She also expressed that sex in bed was "boring". She was turned on by sex in cars or in public, even grimy bathrooms. I was not, I found it gross.

The sex we did have was mechanical. Usually in missionary with her just lying there. On the rare occasion she got on top of me, I was used more like a dildo, with her barely moving and with her arm nearly suffocating my neck. Very bizarre looking back.

LOL. You just described sex with like every Cerebral Narcissist. The only difference is that I'm not turned on by sex in public places, but like your NPD ex, I am more turned on by "thrill-seeking" sex than vanilla sex, but for me that means fetish/BDSM or perhaps sex with someone I ought not to be having sex with (coworker, someone already in a relationship, etc).

Think of it from our perspective though. Imagine how tortured a Cerebral Narc is when they can't get aroused by the most basic expression of love --- sex in your bedroom with someone you're supposed to love --- but are extremely turned on by socially inappropriate sex or using their partner to basically masturbate. This is a big problem for the partner, but the good news for the partner is that they can leave. It's a bigger problem for the Cerebral Narc, who is basically incapable of having a normal, loving relationship without these kinds of problems coming up.

VirginiaEsquire wrote:

DCEE wrote:Sex with my cerebral narc was terrible. Even during the initial phase of the relationship.

When we first starting dating she often forgot the sex since it typically involved alcohol consumption. On some rare occasions Xanax allowed her to "relax" and feel comfortable.

I often remember thinking "this is by far the worst sex I've ever had". Call me insane but a few months in to the relationship I remember worrying that maybe she had a sex change because she was terrified to show me her vagina and hid it during sex. She claimed that someone told her that vaginas that flap out slightly are ugly and that since hers was an outtie she was uncomfortable. Looking back I think it was an excuse.

We had sex on a schedule, usually Saturdy morning, for 10 minutes. While we held each other and caressed each other nearly every night, the sex was limited. Sometimes I would go 2 or 3 weeks with no sex.

She also expressed that sex in bed was "boring". She was turned on by sex in cars or in public, even grimy bathrooms. I was not, I found it gross.

The sex we did have was mechanical. Usually in missionary with her just lying there. On the rare occasion she got on top of me, I was used more like a dildo, with her barely moving and with her arm nearly suffocating my neck. Very bizarre looking back.

LOL. You just described sex with like every Cerebral Narcissist. The only difference is that I'm not turned on by sex in public places, but like your NPD ex, I am more turned on by "thrill-seeking" sex than vanilla sex, but for me that means fetish/BDSM or perhaps sex with someone I ought not to be having sex with (coworker, someone already in a relationship, etc).

Think of it from our perspective though. Imagine how tortured a Cerebral Narc is when they can't get aroused by the most basic expression of love --- sex in your bedroom with someone you're supposed to love --- but are extremely turned on by socially inappropriate sex or using their partner to basically masturbate. This is a big problem for the partner, but the good news for the partner is that they can leave. It's a bigger problem for the Cerebral Narc, who is basically incapable of having a normal, loving relationship without these kinds of problems coming up.

So maybe you can help me understand this- She was also the wettest woman I have ever been with. Her body seemed hornier than a faucet.. It is mind boggling.

Also, why did she seem so intimate with me outside of sex? Always holding hands, hugging at night, sleeping naked... The act of touching was non stop.. Why is sex such a leap from that type of intimacy?

I've also found that Ns are most aroused by sex they shouldn't be having. But what is so surprising about that? The taboo is sexy.

I'm in love with a narcissist and I have a lot of compassion and empathy for him. Our sex life over the years has had lots of ups and downs. Mostly downs. It's hard to have sustained periods of taboo in a long term relationship. The beginning was the beginning, so that was hot. Desperate make up and break up sex can also be hot. Then there was the sex we had when he was cheating on me but I didn't leave like he thought I would when I found out. That shocked him.

But I haven't had sex in months and I'm not going to cry about it. I know the man I'm with. If he wants to have sex with me, he will and it will be hot. If he doesn't, we won't. Learn not to ask people for things they don't want to give, that's my advice. Accept who people are and what they have to give or don't have them in your life. Stop being delusional and wishing people were who they aren't. Narcissists are in the moment people. If in the moment, you enjoy them, then enjoy them but don't expect it to last. If they are not being cool, let them go for awhile, they'll come back around and probably be a lot of fun to hang out with for a period of time again. I do not think this is a bad thing about narcissists. Forever is a stupid idea we norms have. No one can promise you forever, not really. Narcissists just make you painfully aware of that fact. I think that is a gift. It taught me to live in the moment and see people for who they are right now.

Peace.

Personally I hate the idea of having sex with men, even though I'm primarily attracted to them. I have little/no experience with them, so the idea of having no control, being submissive, and being "taught" how exactly to do things to give them the satisfaction they crave bothers the $#%^ out of me. I'd be less than stellar, and I'd rather stick with women and impress the hell out of them rather than attempt to have sex with a man I find very attractive.
I tried once and he kept demanding answers from me, asking if he was good, and I got angry. I didn't want to compliment him or make him feel in-charge like he so craved, and I didn't want him to know if anything was pleasurable. Basically, I was going back and forth between being excited that he found me so attractive (he kept complimenting me) and then getting pissed off when he demanded that I compliment him as well. I was also angry that I wasn't very sure of what I was doing and felt like he was not satisfied with my performance.
I never spoke to him again after that.
I really like fetishes, though. I think I would have more fun or be more willing to have sex with someone If I could get someone to try something new and make them feel really vulnerable, like kinky sex in public, they'd have no choice but to trust me, and then put me in control by relying on me. I'd also want this person to be someone I'm not close to or even acquaintances with.

According to the definitions I'm more covert than cerebral, but I've never truly enjoyed sex or physical intimacy. Sex for me is an awkward, slightly absurd, mechanical experience. I get physical pleasure from it, but I find the responsibility of having to pleasure my partner a burden that mars my own enjoyment. An ex once asked me why I don't seem more "into it" in terms of making noise and general heat-of-the-moment passion, but that was counter productive and made the whole thing feel even more like a bad acting performance. I find myself more turned on by the idea of taboo sex than actually having 'normal' sex.

KingNothing, I think your analysis is right on. I was not shocked. I would have been back in the day, but I've learned more about narcissists and my ex, so no, not really. And as for those said talked about mechanical sex, someone said it was like a (live) dildo, that's it exactly! There was just no give and take, no interaction, which makes sense when it's all take, or only the minimum give to be able to get.

As for self-focus, my ex-H N even once said he was not into porn at all because it was not about him. I found this surprising, but less so now.

I hadn't thought much about the taboo aspect before, but yes, in the livlier early days, we did have a lot of sex in compromising places and were generally more adventurous. So, maybe that was another reason it was so great then. The difference is more than just the normal different from exciting situations, but it may have been required to reach a high enough level of overall (sexual and nonsexual) stimulation to really seem more into it all, and more interested.