How is your Cerebral N in bed?

Does anyone have sexual issues with their N? For those of you with a Narcissist mate, especially ladies who have a narcissistic husband or BF who is sexually reserved:

-Which of his sexual behaviors bug you the most?
-How often does he express sexual desire for you, compliment you sexually, and make audible noises of pleasure during sex?
-Does he seem as turned on and impressed by your body as by his own? How can you tell?
-How often does he initiate sex?
-And does he seem comfortable with adult sex, or does he instead tend to do innocent antics that seem to keep the energy in your sexual sessions more on a platonic childish level?
-Have you ever wondered if they are asexual?

Any insight you can share would be most helpful to me. I'm having trouble finding much on this subject in published books on N. Thanks in advance to anyone who takes time to reply.

Don't you think its quite self-centred to demand that your partner make particular noises in bed ? I mean isn't what's appropriate whatever comes naturally while experiencing pleasure - or whatever a person is comfortable with - instead of there being pressure to act in a certain way in bed?

I think the only kinds of things that can affect people who are more comfortable with sexuality than others or like aspects of the experience more than others tend to be things like liking more or less kissing and touching etc. because those kind of things can affect arousal for both partners, while I would have thought people's reactions to pleasure (as long as they are experiencing it) are always fine as they are because sex shouldn't have to be about "acting right".

And things that are affected by level of comfort with intimacy aren't things that should be forced by either side if one partner isn't comfortable because sex is supposed to be about pleasure and that isn't going to make it less uncomfortable.

You sound a little as if you are asking if Narcissistic partners perform their appropriate function or not!

These aren't demands. These are questions.

I meant the attitude they implied seemed a little "functional" considering the personal nature of the topic.

katana wrote:I meant the attitude they implied seemed a little "functional" considering the personal nature of the topic.

More like antagonizing.

HayStack wrote:Does anyone have sexual issues with their N? For those of you with a Narcissist mate, especially ladies who have a narcissistic husband or BF who is sexually reserved:

-Which of his sexual behaviors bug you the most?
-How often does he express sexual desire for you, compliment you sexually, and make audible noises of pleasure during sex?
-Does he seem as turned on and impressed by your body as by his own? How can you tell?
-How often does he initiate sex?
-And does he seem comfortable with adult sex, or does he instead tend to do innocent antics that seem to keep the energy in your sexual sessions more on a platonic childish level?
-Have you ever wondered if they are asexual?

Any insight you can share would be most helpful to me. I'm having trouble finding much on this subject in published books on N. Thanks in advance to anyone who takes time to reply.

We are not asexual. We have deeply repressed sexual desires, along with a part of our psyche that tries to convince us that we should eschew a normal sex life. This is honestly the part of my "personality disorder" that I would like to be rid of the most. I kind of like having no empathy, being motivated by the accumulation of power, etc. But I just wish I could have normal relationships with women instead of constantly having my id and superego battle over whether I should embrace sex or avoid it.

HayStack wrote:Does anyone have sexual issues with their N? For those of you with a Narcissist mate, especially ladies who have a narcissistic husband or BF who is sexually reserved:

-Which of his sexual behaviors bug you the most?
-How often does he express sexual desire for you, compliment you sexually, and make audible noises of pleasure during sex?
-Does he seem as turned on and impressed by your body as by his own? How can you tell?
-How often does he initiate sex?
-And does he seem comfortable with adult sex, or does he instead tend to do innocent antics that seem to keep the energy in your sexual sessions more on a platonic childish level?
-Have you ever wondered if they are asexual?

Any insight you can share would be most helpful to me. I'm having trouble finding much on this subject in published books on N. Thanks in advance to anyone who takes time to reply.

Do bears do it in the woods?

Your question is important and deserves an answer, however, it is very hard to get one nowadays. This is because the best people who could answer your questions are those who have a Narc mate, or maybe Self-aware Narcs. Both types are in dire shortage at the moment.I've been on this forum from the very start and I can tell you there are fluctuations in types of its members. The majority of dwellers now seem to be curious Narcs who still don't realize the full extent of the damage NPD can do to one's IQ and chances in life and who even believe that some aspects of NPD might be cool and that it is only harmful to others not to them. You can also add to those a number of people who are curious about personality disorders in general.

Thus, the simple answer of YES to all the points you mentioned would be very to obtain from the current audience. Cerebral narcs ARE terrible sex partners, they show very little -if any - interest in sex. this is due to many factors, on top of which Narc's destructive fear of others. They regard sex as a competition in which their performance is to be judged and that makes them fear the possibility that the judgement might not be in their favor. They would rather have no sex at all than face this possibility.
Add to this the Narc's total lack of knowledge of any emotion other than anger and fear. This makes understanding (let alone feeling) intimacy impossible. Since what you don't understand you don't control, and sex is an epitome of intimacy which is a totaly emotional process, sex becomes horror to the Cerebral narc's mind.

However, this might change is the sexual process is "performed" with someone whose judgement isn't feared, as in a prostitute or a one night stand (Or a sexual partner willing to sacrifice his/her own pleasure and is capable of acting satisfied in an exaggerated manner and do so ALL the time to keep reassuring the insecure narc that he/she is a the greatest sexual partner ever)

With a spouse, the fear of unfavorable judgement in the sexual competition would lead to less and less sex, and this would lead to the Narc's awareness that he is in danger of being rejected/unloved by the partner/spouse. This is a very unhealthy situation which the narc overcomes by creating several elaborate illusions to justify the lack of sex in his life. One of those is to convince himself that he is asexual or frigid , or that his spouse is not attractive enough or responsive to his special desires, or even that his taste in sex is so refined and demanding that it would be rare to find a partner who could satisfy it, etc.

BTW, I am a cerebral Narc who is desperately trying to get rid of this curse called NPD.

Best of luck to you, and to the Narc in your life. Maye you both find happiness .

[quote="KingNothing

Thus, the simple answer of YES to all the points you mentioned would be very to obtain from the current audience. Cerebral narcs ARE terrible sex partners, they show very little -if any - interest in sex. this is due to many factors, on top of which Narc's destructive fear of others. They regard sex as a competition in which their performance is to be judged and that makes them fear the possibility that the judgement might not be in their favor. They would rather have no sex at all than face this possibility.
Add to this the Narc's total lack of knowledge of any emotion other than anger and fear. This makes understanding (let alone feeling) intimacy impossible. Since what you don't understand you don't control, and sex is an epitome of intimacy which is a totaly emotional process, sex becomes horror to the Cerebral narc's mind.

However, this might change is the sexual process is "performed" with someone whose judgement isn't feared, as in a prostitute or a one night stand (Or a sexual partner willing to sacrifice his/her own pleasure and is capable of acting satisfied in an exaggerated manner and do so ALL the time to keep reassuring the insecure narc that he/she is a the greatest sexual partner ever)

With a spouse, the fear of unfavorable judgement in the sexual competition would lead to less and less sex, and this would lead to the Narc's awareness that he is in danger of being rejected/unloved by the partner/spouse.
[/quote]

Why? I do have fears like that but those fears only make me work harder.

This is a very unhealthy situation which the narc overcomes by creating several elaborate illusions to justify the lack of sex in his life. One of those is to convince himself that he is asexual or frigid , or that his spouse is not attractive enough or responsive to his special desires, or even that his taste in sex is so refined and demanding that it would be rare to find a partner who could satisfy it, etc.

BTW, I am a cerebral Narc who is desperately trying to get rid of this curse called NPD.

Best of luck to you, and to the Narc in your life. Maye you both find happiness .

This is a very interesting subject and again the interplay between somatic/cerebral and overt/covert is confusing.

I feel cerebral and covert although I have had some somatic tendencies as well.

I am a sexual pervert since very young age and favor a special fetish since then. I am obsessed with sex quality and my fetish. My partner, now my wife, must absolutely be thrilled with sex with me, she must love it and want it and I try hard to achieve this but also try hard to satisfy my fetish. My wife usually orgasms at least 3 times before I feel happy about having my own orgasm.

I'd love to explain my sexual and romantic behavior in terms of NPD only. I have explored BPD because of my relationship style.
I seem to value ideal love and in that sense I have to be the ideal love partner and our sex has to be great and so on.

Thanks for the explanations ?

I stand by what I said about the question though.

Kingnothing is somewhat correct, though I think the specifics vary from one Cerebral Narc to another. The main takeaway is that sex is an inherently intimate act, and intimacy means the loss of control and giving yourself to someone else. These are things that Narcs can't deal with, because Narcs' primary emotion is fear, and thus relinquishing control, unless done in a way that is purposeful (i.e., exchanging control for security, which is just another power exchange) is something that makes all of a Narc's defenses flare up. When you have sex with someone you care about, you're basically giving up control over your very self and body to be vulnerable to a person who is also in a primal state of mind and could potentially say or do anything. Because Narcissism is in part a defense that results from fear of the world around him, the Narc has a terrible time with this sort of arrangement. This leads to repressed sexuality, sexually frustrated partners, etc.

This is also why a Cerebral Narc is drawn towards sex workers. Sex with them becomes a commercial transaction governed by specific rules discussed beforehand. The sex worker has an incentive to follow the rules and is simply performing a service that was agreed to based upon a money exchange. Also, the sex worker is viewed as inherently beneath the Narc for being in that position out of the assumption that only someone weak, poor, and unintelligent would find herself selling her body. So the Narc assumes she can't outsmart him. This allows the Narc to lower his defenses and enjoy sex. It took me years to understand why I was so at ease with strippers in sleazy strip clubs, and yet my defenses would go up with faced with a nice, normal girl who wanted a normal relationship.