How is your Cerebral N in bed?

Yea but do you feel dirty as well for having gone to those places?

VirginiaEsquire wrote:Kingnothing is somewhat correct, though I think the specifics vary from one Cerebral Narc to another. The main takeaway is that sex is an inherently intimate act, and intimacy means the loss of control and giving yourself to someone else. These are things that Narcs can't deal with, because Narcs' primary emotion is fear, and thus relinquishing control, unless done in a way that is purposeful (i.e., exchanging control for security, which is just another power exchange) is something that makes all of a Narc's defenses flare up. When you have sex with someone you care about, you're basically giving up control over your very self and body to be vulnerable to a person who is also in a primal state of mind and could potentially say or do anything. Because Narcissism is in part a defense that results from fear of the world around him, the Narc has a terrible time with this sort of arrangement. This leads to repressed sexuality, sexually frustrated partners, etc.

This is also why a Cerebral Narc is drawn towards sex workers. Sex with them becomes a commercial transaction governed by specific rules discussed beforehand. The sex worker has an incentive to follow the rules and is simply performing a service that was agreed to based upon a money exchange. Also, the sex worker is viewed as inherently beneath the Narc for being in that position out of the assumption that only someone weak, poor, and unintelligent would find herself selling her body. So the Narc assumes she can't outsmart him. This allows the Narc to lower his defenses and enjoy sex. It took me years to understand why I was so at ease with strippers in sleazy strip clubs, and yet my defenses would go up with faced with a nice, normal girl who wanted a normal relationship.

While I relate to what you're saying things are more complicated for me.

I consider using "weaker" people for my own gain to be amoral and thus not a part what a perfectly moral person would consider doing. Although I sense a part of me would have a great time, the other part forbids it and that's what sticks. So I'm not at ease with hookers, no more than with normal girls.
But not only that, I also need to make a good impression, be it a hooker or not. I need to perform. Fear of bad performance is probably the main fear stiffling my sex experience. Women need to be in awe with me. And hookers would even in some way present a challenge in that respect. So, there's nothing I can really do to remove my fear from sex. My self-confidence depends on the validation of the partner with whom I had sex with.

I'm very conflicted as you can see. My main drive would be: how to leave a good impression. Leaving a good impression for me doesn't mean leaving an impression of the most powerful person. It means leaving the impression of a very smart person who is also very nice, not ass but also doesn't get played like a fool. My mission is quite harder than that of a classic overt narc. I have to dance the fine line of being nice and not being a fool and also acquiring power without using anyone and also not using this acquired power to further myself but only when defense is needed. In short, I need to be perfect.

I do have some kind of impervious wall of anxiety disconnecting me from the experience of sex. I have found several very different ways of breaking it. One of the ways is looking through a camera. The camera obviously provides disconnection so your brain lowers its own disconnection, but then you're really enjoying porn and not sex in a way. But it works.
Another way is more accidental, if and when things heat up, lot's of touching, dark room(no visuals) the barrier can be broken. The barrier is mostly upheld by visuals in me, they seem to trigger the disconnecting fear/anxiety automatically and almost seamlessly.
Third and most interesting way is memantine. Memantine seems to disable most of the blocking features of this anxiety fueled disconnection. Memantine is so effective at this that it's infact what caused me to realise this impervious wall exists as a wall. It was invisible before Memantine opened my eyes. I would really suggest any of you who are pill-happy to try it and see if the same thing happens to you.

In the end, I also have a long lasting fetish that is sometimes enables a few moments of enjoying the experience.

Smells also break through most easily. The olfactory sense is one of the most basic and evolutionary oldest sense and is the only sense that has a direct influence, doesn't go via hypothalamus. There's no supressing its effects.

uniquelyme wrote:Yea but do you feel dirty as well for having gone to those places?

By "those places," I assume you mean strip clubs, brothels, etc.

No, I do not feel dirty going there. In fact, I feel empowered. One of the things that I'm still trying to work out with regard to my own psychology is why I am extremely comfortable with a woman when she is either a "good girl" or a sex object, but am uncomfortable with anything in between. This is the essence of the Madonna/whore complex, a hallmark of many NPD men.

But I actually have spent a great deal of time in strip clubs, especially sleazy ones where there are "extras" on the side that you can pay for, and I feel very comfortable at these places. Like I said, it's a feeling of power that I get, because the women are there to serve me sexually in exchange for me paying them. Also, my station in life is one of being educated, professional, and empowered by law to have authority over people. The station in life of most strippers is one of a lack of education, lack of economic opportunities, often saddled with children from a deadbeat dad or a drug problem, and many times seemingly lacking intelligence. This makes them beneath me, and in my mind a proper outlet for a bestial act.

One of the things that I'm still trying to work out with regard to my own psychology is why I am extremely comfortable with a woman when she is either a "good girl" or a sex object, but am uncomfortable with anything in between.

That's an interesting question.

I'm guessing "good girl" and "sex object" are specific issues in relation to a woman's sexuality or how a person would relate to her sexually rather than in relation to her character in general - I wonder if this happens because of how a person views sex itself? - and where that person is attracted to women, they're automatically connected to that issue through the attraction, and because of that must be categorised this way to prevent the person with NPD from being faced by the underlying issue or by unresolvable cognitive dissonance and confusion?

While I can relate to avoiding due to intimacy/emotion, I dont do anything about the repression. But I do feel more comfortable with sex outside of a relationship than in. I dont do strip clubs or prostitutes though as I consider them dirty. Maybe if I was a guy or in the red light district of the Netherlands where apparently everything is safe and regulated.....
I think that as a woman its way more complicated than a male version of the madonna whore complex. There is fear of getting pregnant and if you are having the baby of someone who's inferior to you, what does that make you? Also getting a disease would be pretty embarrassing and dirty too.
So to be embarrassed or deal with repression?

Thanks to each of you who took my questions seriously and gave thoughtful answers, especially KingNothing, VirginiaEsquire, and Addx. But I have learned something from each of you who responded, even those of you who responded critically.
This topic is just a subject I am trying to understand better, and the questions were meant to get people talking, not to be offensive. If anyone has additional thoughts or comments, feel free to continue the discussion.

My ex always seemed to want it to have an element of "I wasn't planning this, it just happened" to sex, so nearly all of the time, it was his truck or my office with most of our clothes left on. He said that he liked me "partially clad," that it was a turn on for him...probably an intimacy thing. He always had to initiate an encounter. If I tried to, he wouldn't respond to my advances. As far as performance, it was never bad, sometimes very good, but his needs were definitely the main concern. He was always tender and sweet and made me feel like I was the most desirable woman in the world. Every time, we would sit and talk for for hours after...not necessarily cuddling, but talking. It was usually him talking and me listening, but honestly, that was my favorite thing. I loved the sound of his voice and the way that he told stories. I could listen to him talk forever.

And then the next day, sometimes I would hear from him first thing in the morning about how every thought since I'd left him had been about me, and listen to this song, it reminds me of us. Other times (more often, actually) I didn't hear from him the next day. I never made contact first, so if he didn't text or message me, we didn't talk at all that day. The one time I did make contact first the next day, I sent him a message about the night before, and he responded with a single sentence that made me feel like I was pathetic for being all glowy and romantic. He definitely used sex/intimacy as part of the control games he was playing with me during our relationship. I had to earn it by being subservient enough and attentive enough or not too attentive or whatever the rules were that day. He decided if I deserved his love.

Does anyone have sexual issues with their N? For those of you with a Narcissist mate, especially ladies who have a narcissistic husband or BF who is sexually reserved:

-Which of his sexual behaviors bug you the most?
-How often does he express sexual desire for you, compliment you sexually, and make audible noises of pleasure during sex?
-Does he seem as turned on and impressed by your body as by his own? How can you tell?
-How often does he initiate sex?
-And does he seem comfortable with adult sex, or does he instead tend to do innocent antics that seem to keep the energy in your sexual sessions more on a platonic childish level?
-Have you ever wondered if they are asexual?

Very interesting subject! I'll answer as a non (mostly at least, who knows how normal I am )
Who's ex is a narc. There's some issues, that are really bugging me.

-Which of his sexual behaviors bug you the most?

He was really contradictory about sex..(that too). On the other hand he obviously liked to assume I am naive little angel, not experienced virgin I am not like that at all. I may seem like "a goody good girl". But actually Im really into sex. I was doing a lot of initiatives what it came to that.. - more than him? He said Im insatiable
On the other hand he wanted to give the picture, that he's so experienced, into kinky things, like animals (joking or not). But then he wasn't that good in bed, like he's bragging. Sometimes he just couldn't do it.. and that's perfectly ok! But combined with other things..
Couple of positions, sometimes even eyes closed (in the end of the relationship).
Nothing good for me, selfish him as always! Felt like touching me like that was somehow dirty for him.
I dont think he can perform one night stands, there always has to be something extra for him. Other than the "masturbation with a woman".
Only thing Im still categorizing sex with him as good is the connection we had - probably fake and a lie too, as everything else. But he made me feel lust I have ever felt before !

-Does he seem as turned on and impressed by your body as by his own? How can you tell?

He was bragging with he's body, not complimenting mine.

-And does he seem comfortable with adult sex, or does he instead tend to do innocent antics that seem to keep the energy in your sexual sessions more on a platonic childish level?

Kissing, he kissed a lot, we easily just kissed couple of hours. Middle of all that kissing, I couple of times suggested that we could sneak in a toilet... (bar) He's facial expression was anguished and he denied for some excuse. I thought it was weird for him.

-Have you ever wondered if they are asexual?

Not exactly, but there was something odd. He is reserved in all possible ways.
I don't know what kind of narc he is, could be cerebral.

BTW. Weird behavior when drunk = narc or something to do with psychopaths?

Weird behavior when drunk? Could it be he's.........drunk?! Why did you assosiate hat with us or psychopaths?

uniquelyme wrote:Weird behavior when drunk? Could it be he's.........drunk?! Why did you assosiate hat with us or psychopaths?

Sounded funny, I know:D Just as I was posting, I happened to read that "symptome." Won't take things literally.
Nevermind, his behaviour and stories just were So utterly weard . Even after a bit of alcohol.