Covert Narcissism is HELL

I realise most people who read this won't be able to relate and this will just be a hilarious joke and I'm one of those prime candidates you prey on, being an overt narcisstic bully, but whatever...

I've come to realise I'm in hell with covert narcissism. I've recently broken up with my girlfriend because I cannot handle being forced into social situations and have people patronise me, reject me or bully me due to my shyness. I'm hyper sensitive to not getting the recognition I deserve and so being shy I am never going to get the response I think I deserve from people.

I can feel people withdraw, wretch, patronise me once they see me not saying much and being glaringly introverted and it is the equivalent of having a hot poker shoved up my arse. I feel the depression and rage sweep over me and I aggressively and passive aggressively force my way out of that situation no matter how awkward I make the situation.

My girlfriend cannot handle the social abstinence and solitude I placed our relationship into so we had to break up and I understand now that I can't be in a relationship. I must live alone which I don't want to do but know I have to.

The reason why I argue that covert narcissism is hell is that there is no solace. No warm blanket. Overt narcissists at least can use other people for their own means and get what they want to the best of their ability and also get the respect. I cannot.

As a shy person, people treat me like a dog. I realise that normal shy people can accept this but I absolutely CAN NOT.

There are no people to make me feel better. Go round this forum and see oodles of threads of people falling over themselves to give other OVERT narcissists advice after they don't know what to do after their latest heinous abuse they've inflicted on some poor bastard.

Nobody gives a ###$ about me. I'm a freak and not only am I a freak. I'm a freak who cannot accept that he is a freak so I basically have to hide from life to avoid the bleak despair I will inevitably feel.

I have looked at this from every possible angle and I truly believe that being a shy narcissist is one of the most bleak existences a human being can endure.

If there's anyone who can relate I would appreciate your kind words. I know this will probably get 1 or 2 replies at most and everyone else will be amused or repulsed.

For a while I thought I was some sort of covert/introverted narcissist. I hate being the centre of attention, and also find discomfort in seeing the extrovert getting all the attention, when what they have to say isn't very interesting.

Yes, if you hide in the corner, people will notice. Some will try to bring you into the conversation. Your apparent weakness will make them feel better about themselves.

"I'm a freak, I'm a weirdo" sang Radiohead. Aren't we all?

I've been treated like crap, and I've treated others quite badly myself.

So do you want to sink in to solitude, or rise above it? If what you have to say is worth hearing, let people hear it.

I've always found it hard to stand up for myself. Last night I went for a drink with a few friends. An arrogant friend stole my seat when I went for a cigarette. The old me would have let it pass, but this time I sat on them and said "I'm not moving." I got my seat back

You should try it.

Standing up for myself isn't an issue. Standing up for myself too much is more the issue.

I'm hyper sensitive to slights and very, very, very few confident people will actually give a shy person some respect and not refer to them and talk to them like they have leprosy. That is my problem.

I don't think there is a "rise above" chance. There's no way I can escape being the underdog and the underdog is my biggest fear, thus I am in hell.

I deserve to have a bigger status than most, in my own mind, but can't achieve it so I would rather hide away than watch myself repeatedly get stepped on in these situations.

There's more pleasure to be gained from denying people the opportunity to belittle me than watch them do it.

probably, that story is hilarious lol.


I'm not exactly an outgoing person, I'm a hermit (I'm also trying to fix this and having 0 supplies). I don't like being in the center of attention unless for some reason I want to be. I like to stay in the shadows and haunt around for awhile and come out in the light so everyone can look at me but quickly go back in the shadow so I get no rejection. For people it adds a mystery why I was so chatty and outgoing and now I don't return phone calls (a past story)

You aren't alone on this, you are just alone in the dark so to say. I barely leave my house now (student) and the idea of leaving scares me, I spend so much time getting ready trying to find the right clothes even if its to get a soda. When I manipulate I'd keep just that person in my life or another and that's it. Like most narcs (this will sound funny but its statistic) I'm not bad looking so I end up getting attention anyway, attention I wasn't prepared or wanting. I can't handle hugs and kisses, it smothers me and I'm weird I mostly hate affection and crave only small parts.

All narcs will give a $#%^ about you, we suffer together so I would so that no narc is alone on anything. We are all very unique but in some things the same. I'm glad you broke up with your girlfriend, I don't think anyone should be forced into social situations whether they are non or narc. Maybe you should date a mirror, and by that I mean find someone just like you. I married someone just like me and it works for me because I don't have to handle uncomfortable situations like that. He is an overly understanding non and I owe him my life for trying to fix me and devoting hours to research everyday.

Come join me and others to fix this $#%^, I think covert narcs sometimes have a better shot. We are only labelled "sick,freaks,abnormal" because we are minority. Remember to be gay was a an institutionalized disease before now look. If the world was mostly narcissistic we would be a norm and nons would be abnormal. We either need to create a society of narcs (a small joke, non's don't kill me) or change because it can help us survive better.

And surviving is half the battle

"If the world was mostly narcissistic we would be a norm and nons would be abnormal."

So true, and I'm a non. It's all relative.

So, as you're an N with 0 NS...
If I honestly say that your post has better spelling and grammar than 90% of what I see on the 'net (e.g. you used a lower case p in "probably"), does that count as a minor form of NS, or is it irrelevant?

perfectlynumb22 wrote:Standing up for myself isn't an issue. Standing up for myself too much is more the issue.

I'm hyper sensitive to slights and very, very, very few confident people will actually give a shy person some respect and not refer to them and talk to them like they have leprosy. That is my problem.

I don't think there is a "rise above" chance. There's no way I can escape being the underdog and the underdog is my biggest fear, thus I am in hell.

I deserve to have a bigger status than most, in my own mind, but can't achieve it so I would rather hide away than watch myself repeatedly get stepped on in these situations.

There's more pleasure to be gained from denying people the opportunity to belittle me than watch them do it.

i can relate to this a lot.

im a shy narc too, your not alone

So what's the problem here? You know what you have to do pretty well. Acknowledge you're being stupid and stop being so afraid of being judged. If your shyness really starts affecting your life (which it seems it is...), then stop being shy.

Simple. Stop being such a worthless perfectionist who never gets anything done and DO something. Make mistakes, learn, etc. It seems you have put some incredibly high expectations on yourself and can't accept the small fact that you suck.

But you know how it is. The first step to stop sucking is to admit you suck and start working from there. A poor person who thinks he's rich will be poor forever, but a poor person who admits he's poor can work his way up to being a BILLIONAIRE. (Granted, with a lot of work, but nobody said it was easy — and that's why it is fun.)

Etzel wrote:So what's the problem here? You know what you have to do pretty well. Acknowledge you're being stupid and stop being so afraid of being judged. If your shyness really starts affecting your life (which it seems it is...), then stop being shy.

Simple. Stop being such a worthless perfectionist who never gets anything done and DO something. Make mistakes, learn, etc. It seems you have put some incredibly high expectations on yourself and can't accept the small fact that you suck.

Ahhh yes, the ignorant snipes of a clueless extrovert. I know that sound well....

I thought the status of me being between a rock and a hard place was conveyed pretty clear.

I hate people, I love to hate people in fact. I virtually have no interest in the inane #######4 they do and wretch at the depraved $#%^ they indulge in, so thus it is impossible to put the tried and tested time into having the patience and have strong enough of a stomach to become confident around them.

On the flipside, I need someone. I need at least one relationship to work otherwise I will go mad or kill myself. I'm sure of it.

I've never met anyone as misanthropic as me and I'm not sure I ever will, so my only attainable objective is to become more of a socially normal person to be able to get a relationship with someone relatively normal and the concept of that sickens me.

Is that any clearer for Duke Brains of Genius-shire?

This could be one of the most enlightening books you'll ever read.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I%27m_OK,_You%27re_OK

Etzel wrote:So what's the problem here? You know what you have to do pretty well. Acknowledge you're being stupid and stop being so afraid of being judged. If your shyness really starts affecting your life (which it seems it is...), then stop being shy.

Simple. Stop being such a worthless perfectionist who never gets anything done and DO something. Make mistakes, learn, etc. It seems you have put some incredibly high expectations on yourself and can't accept the small fact that you suck.

But you know how it is. The first step to stop sucking is to admit you suck and start working from there. A poor person who thinks he's rich will be poor forever, but a poor person who admits he's poor can work his way up to being a BILLIONAIRE. (Granted, with a lot of work, but nobody said it was easy — and that's why it is fun.)

Etzel, one of my best long term friends since almost 20yrs ago speaks just like you, hes also a non, so like you he doesn't have a clue who this process works in our lifes.
And since my old teen age we been over a lot of social events and he is very sociable and that maybe why I was his 'wing', although he didnt even had a car and I was most of the time the guy with most 'independence' and success compared to him in terms of having money and a job, stable life... (we are from low social class). We had some fights along the way, most my fault, usually motivated because at these times he didn't mean much of a supply to me anymore, cause I had gf or simply was more interested in other people supply.

I wrote all this just to give you a clue how my social interactions were, I had the chance over more that a decade to build a personality and a healthy social circle but all I always wanted was my supply. I ditched a lot of people, and that is obvious in the way we both meet people and he held a stronger connection to them vs the one I accomplished, to be honest my connection to these people were very artificial and not genuine (oh! that word again), or to describe better: fake. One trait of our narc ways is the ease of moving on with the ability to have zero guilt, remorse over friendships/relationships.

we have talked about my shyness a lot and ways to improve, and this guy make the same exact reasoning you do. Im actually considering telling him about my narc traits as we are close friends(in his perception).

so let me put this in a manner you can understand, we consider social interaction a very complicated matter, in our views you nons are very disturbed and have arcane ways of socializing, its stupid. I can tell you this cause over my whole life i've been unconsciously 'playing the game' (yes, the one you say we suck and suggest we go learn and fix from ground zero if necessary) in order to get my supply, but now I know my real motives why I need to socialize and it doesn't make sense anymore unless for supply. This will not create healthy relationships as we know from experience, so (in my case) part of the shyness come from the fact that I acknowledge the non race discern us as scumbags, crazy, disturbed and so on. The other part is the fact that we need to be viewed as great and better by others or sometimes just be looked at and ear some compliments or some kind of attention, and thats not always the case.


perfectlynumb22, sorry for derailing your thread, but I identify myself with the shyness traits you describe.