Trying so hard to remember...

Hi,

i am writing here the first time. Please excuse my English i am not a native speaker but nevertheless i will try to tell...

In my family there is no "healthy" handling of diseases, it is more kind of a horrible fear and attraction at the same time. I can not really remember everything and the things i remember do not make so much sense.

The first time i was in a hospital i was 18 months old. I can't remember anything and all i know my grandmother told me. I was suffering from croup and the hospital was in an other part of the country. My mother was at her university having examinations, my father working at home. My grandma took care of me and also had to do some of the treatments (?). By i did not get better and almost died (?) until my father "theft" me from the hospital. Then i recovered in a few days.
My mother and my grandmother where guarding me and my sister from getting sick. We weren't allowed to sit on the floor, to play with water, to drink cold soft drinks or water, to eat ice cream, to play with coughing children.
The first time i lied to my mother to hide from her that i wasn't fine was at an age of three when i jumped from a commode and prank my ankle.
I remember being sick a lot till the end of the primary school. Every time my mother caught me being sick, although i dissimulated, i cried, screamed an fought. It was like always the same film. I hat to change to the double bed and sleep next to my mother. My father moved to the couch. I lied and dissimulate from the moment on i was able to.
I was often sick but almost never i sew a doctor. I remember strange kinds of treatment. I never was sick seriously. I hat colds, flues child diseases.
Only once i had something strange. It started with a flu at the second day of the autumn holiday as i was seven. And as i almost recovered i was allowed to play with my sister again. But the next day i hat a fever again, no thigh i even did not feel it. Then i had pain in my joint starting at the right knee and it spread to the other joints. I sew ca 5 pediatricians in one week and had about 10 blood tests until i end up at a pediatrician that seemed attentive enough to my mother . I was silent, did not tell until after 1.5 weeks i almost collapsed from pain, cried and admitted. I was brought to the doctor and then to the hospital. They put me in a wheel chair as i was a little to tall for the buggy and brought to have an X-ray. They sew nothing. I was supposed to stay over night, got a bed. But there as an other child in the same room, he was coughing. My mother took me home immediately. The pediatrician gave up. I had to take ACC twice a day. Few days later i was fine. I missed only 3 days of school.
And then there were so many small points, moments i remember that don't make sense. My mother tries to guard me from being sick, but kind of just waiting for it to happen. Illness and disease is kind of associated with guilt and also kind of with sexuality.
I don't know how to behave when i am not well, i don't know how to take care about myself, i only can ignore it when i am not fine, and hide it.

All my childhood and youth i was hiding when i was sick or hurt, and i am still used to lie to my mother about everything related. I still can't stand anyone simulating or exaggerate a disease. I panic and dissociate. I don't know why. Nothing i remember was bed enough to traumatize me. But i don't remember so well.
The more i go into the more details i remember but it never feels enough. I don't want to accuse anyone. But i still suffer from something i don't know, i can't remember.
Ciao,
les

It sounds like there is something going on from what you have written. Have you ever seen anyone professional about this. I am not sure whether it is MSBP but it sounds like worrying links between illness and other things have been established and I think you need to work on this. I would suggest you try finding a therapist to work it through with as it sounds like your mother and grandmother behaved very oddly towards you.

I hope this helps.

Cracked

i am seeing a therapist and we will work this through the next time.
what i remember is more like overprotection then abuse but to strange. And the effects on my live are to strong. Maybe my therapist will help me to remember.

I hope your therapist helps. Let us know how you get on.

Cracked

overprotection is the same things as MSbP:

http://munchausenssyndromebyproxywithad ... asite.com/

fleur black wrote:overprotection is the same things as MSbP:

From my research on MSBP and Munchausens and my previsou experience I disagree with that. Not all those who are overprotective have MSBP and one could argue that exposing your child to medical procedures and drugs that are not needed is the opposite of overprotection and is child abuse.

Cracked