So, I've had a major setback.
In January, I saw a doctor in order to get a statement saying that I was unfit to work. I read the statement online a week ago, and it started off by saying that there had previously been suspicions that I had a personality syndrome och autistic spectrum disorder.
These are two of the conditions that my munch father tried for years to get me diagnosed with. I'm in my fourth year of therapy trying to deal with the trauma of MBP.
I asked my therapist this week if she was the one who had had these suspicions. She said no, and that she didn't know where they came from. I said that the statement was unprofessional and that this is just the psychiatry picking up where my dad left off. That's when the session got really tough:
My therapist tried to get me to think that getting a diagnosis that you don't have isn't a big deal, and that it's only a big deal for me because of what I've been through, and that if I wasn't traumatized I'd be fine with it. She asked me why I thought being diagnosed with depression was okay, but not with autism. I said that autism is a disorder, which depression isn't. She said that depression is indeed a disorder, I said "i know" but that she knows what I mean.
She kept trying to convince me that autism isn't actually something wrong, but just what you call people who think differently (it says on every scientific website in the whole world that autism is a neurodevelopmental disorder). She also said that the doctor probably just made this assessment for himself because I was being reserved during the appointment. I started crying uncontrollably and said taht DUH, yeah, if your telling a stranger about your traumatic childhood then your not gonna be full of life, are you?
The therapist kept agreeing with me that I wasnät autistic, but was also lobbying for me to be okay with this. "you need to stop caring about what people think about you". That's what she said. I said that this wasn't some school bully labelling me for no reason, this was a doctor within the psychiatry, and that matters a lot. She just didn't care. She just kept "confronting" me with why I thought that there was a big difference between depressiona and autism.
And then she moved on to the personality syndrome, and said that that's just what you label someone who isn't doing well due to past trauma, and that since I'm not doing well due to past trauma one could say that that's a form of personality syndrome.
I was shattered by this. My therapist, whom I have grown to trust completely, was now doing the exact same thing that my dad did: suggesting that I have a bunch of disorders, and then when I confront them they downplay it and say that diagnoses aren't what I think they are and that being considered schizofenic/schizoid/autistic/alltherestofit is just another way of saying that I'm having a hard time.
The therapist rounded off the session by saying that she personally doesn't think I have any of these diagnoses, and that if there's anything she would contemplate outside of depression it would probably be PTSD because of how strongly I react to this stuff.
I don't know what to do now. All my progress is gone. I was even considering maybe being able to actually have a boyfriend one day and live a normal life, but now I know that no one will ever understand. I will forever be just a symptom, not a person. Nothing I do is normal or right, everything is a sign that there's something wrong.
So anyway, just needed to vent. Have been crying for the whole week and felt this pressure in my body, like I have to disappear and every moment I stay here it gets worse. I'm stuck, I have no money and no family and no friends, and even my therapist has turned out to not support me.