Salutations *TRAUMA TRIGGER*

Greetings. I'm Lorewyn, or Lore, if you prefer. It's not my birth name, but I have many nicknames I go by, this is just one of them. I'm nineteen years old, an androgynous lesbian and feminist. If you're wondering why I had to say those specifics, I'm not quite sure. My identity means a lot to me since I spent my entire life figuring it out. Not to mention I tend to use the word "lesbian" as a "screw off" sign to males of my species. I'm working on that... but anyhow...

I've been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm seeing therapists and psychiatrists. My main doctor said he didn't want to jump the gun and diagnose me with Antisocial Personality Disorder, but I've been showing many characteristics of it. I struggle with chronic anxiety (especially in social situations), emotional detachment, and several other things. I have a hard time feeling remorse for things I've done wrong... if anything I try to blame it on everything under the sun except myself. The time I get very angry is when I have absolutely no one to blame but myself. Then things can get ugly and I can become very self destructive. I can feel sorry that someone I love is hurting... but it's hard to acknowledge I did it... and even when I can do that, it's hard to feel much.

I come off as cold, calculating, and distant to many. But there are a special few people that I love very much and can be warm and emotional with. I just pick and choose those people wisely. So far... it would be person... not people. And I like it that way. Though my dad has a special place in my heart, too. It's mostly just my girlfriend and my dad who see the other side of me. One thing I hate, though... because they're so close, they see my darkest hours too. What makes me truly happy is they've seen my darkest hours... but they stay where everyone else has gone. I'd do anything for them. I'm extremely loyal to those I believe are worth it.

I have very poor social skills. The ones people see me using all the time... yeah... those are mimicked... fake. I've gotten very good at mimicking human social skills. But I've had people tell me that it seems, at times, very choppy and disingenuous... especially my physical interactions. This one friend for instance... he was my very best friend before he turned on me. We 'made up'... he's being sweet and treating me well again... but I keep him at arms length now. I do care about him, though. That hasn't changed. I digress. You see, he sees physical touch as a display of affection. He needs that... or so he believes... to feel loved. I, however, have become reluctant to touch or receive touch from anyone except my partner. Still, I consciously force myself to maybe pet his shoulder or hug him lightly... but no matter how hard I try, physical displays like that come out choppy and awkward. Not to mention when he hugs me I just want to push him away from me. A lot of it also might be the fact he's a male... which brings me to my (hopefully) final point.

I have a prejudice against men. I admit this hatred as wrong, unhealthy, illogical, and some would say irrational. I know these things, so never try to tell me I don't. Nothing anyone ever has said or will say will change my mind on the matter. My hatred for the majority of men (notice majority, not all), is very deep rooted and passionate. This does not mean I immediately don't talk to men or don't give them a chance. But to me... all men are bad until they prove otherwise. I give them a chance to prove it... if they fail, and they usually do... I treat them coldly and calmly. If they provoke me, I can get nasty. To put it simply... I know men and women are flawed. They both are. I know women can be some pretty sick tickets... but the fact is, I can deal with their flaws... I cannot deal with male flaws. Why? Because most male flaws revolve around sexual perversion.

************WARNING*************
Next paragraph contains something that might be triggering to PTSD people or the like... I won't be graphic, of course.

Many tell me this is not a good reason to hate men... but I was raped when I was eleven. My mother was sexually abused by her father from four until seventeen... my best friends have all been abused by men somehow... my aunt was abused by her father... my grandmother abused by her husband... I was raised with this knowledge. Even my lovely, beautiful, enamoring.. amazing love of my life... has been abused in this way... much worse than I had been. My own father was abused by his father in this way too. Most men I meet... all they do is crack sex jokes, degrade women... and if they flirt with me and I tell them I'm a lesbian... they reference swingers and tell me all this nasty stuff. They just don't stop. I could go on and on with my experiences... but I think I've said enough for people to understand... I hope.

Because of this abuse... heterosexual sex... jokes... porn... I simply cannot handle. I get flashbacks and can go into a rage fit where I will hurt or break anything or anyone near me. I can't even read a romance novel or hear about a consensual heteorsexual sex experience. The trauma involving men is just too much for me.

Anyway... I believe I've said way too much but... just thought I would hit the highlights on my issues so people could... I don't know... get to know me or something. I wish I had found a place like this sooner... you all seem very understanding and welcoming. I look forward to posting here and maybe helping a few people out as well. I've gotten pretty good at helping women with trauma... talking them through it, etc. I've done it for years, after all. And I do give helpful, non-biased advice when it's called for... just so you all know.

Did I mention I was very defensive? I think that was self explanatory. Lol.

Welcome.

I can not relate to such a life story. I wish you never have to be a victim again. But society is a square and you are a pentagon.

I'm a man by the way. The last two women I fell in love with (rather had a crush on since it was not reciprocal) turned out to be homosexual which was very heartbreaking for me so now I'm a 30 year old virgin, I don't care about the sex bit but I long for love.

I've gone on now but the experience left me interested in HBT issues. There are progresses done on some fronts but other acute issues get left behind.

Hope you find your place here.

Thanks for the welcome. I'm sorry to hear that you were hurt like that. I do hear a lot of times heterosexuals falling in love with (or becoming infatuated with) a homosexual. It happens a lot the other way around as well. What I think is awful is in a lot of cases, spouses who have been together for years are finding out that one is homosexual... and nothing was said. That's sad.

And I really hope you're not referring to LGBTQ people as having a mental disorder. If you are, you have a right to your opinion. But of course, I would have an opposing one if that were the case.

Thanks again.

I dont consider LGBTQ/HBT as a disorder. It is neither choice, delusion or genetic in my belief. Might just be a certain harmless combination of connecting neurons at some stage in the fetal development or whatever, I dont know. It's not a disorder. I on the other way suffer a mental illness.

There are too many people in this world and I think increased homosexuality could be a benign solution to give back some of earth to the nature. At the same time one of my heart issues is that I think it is an acute issue that homosexuals should be rid of all the barriers to adopt in societies that consider themselves equal. It is pure discrimination to deny them. I'm heterosexual and I'd be a worse parent than 99% of homosexuals.

Anyways. I'm here for the mood disorder section mainly.

You will find other people here that can relate to you much better than I can.

Hello Lorewyn. Welcome to the forum. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself in your introduction. I'm sorry to hear about the trauma you have been through, I can relate as I have been through quite a lot of trauma myself. You are welcome to come to the abuse section of the forums and talk more about it if you'd like. It could be a good opportunity to explore the impact the trauma has had on your perception of men if you felt like it. It is good to hear that you have the support of a therapist at the moment also.

I hope you find it supportive and helpful here. The member introduction section is one of the more quiet sections but it sounds as if you will be interested in checking out the BPD forum and maybe some others too. Those are more active fortunately. I'll see you around...

I... really like that name. Lore. Did anyone ever call you Lore the Bore? Funny.

Penrose wrote:I... really like that name. Lore. Did anyone ever call you Lore the Bore? Funny.

I hope you are not implying that Lorewyn's post was boring to you. Please keep your comments on the forum supportive and helpful in nature.

salted lipstick wrote:

Penrose wrote:I... really like that name. Lore. Did anyone ever call you Lore the Bore? Funny.

I hope you are not implying that Lorewyn's post was boring to you. Please keep your comments on the forum supportive and helpful in nature.

Ah, don't worry, your hopes will be met. I don't actually think that Lore is a Bore. I was just wondering if anyone has ever called her such.

Ok. Good to know. Thanks for clarifying.

Lorewyn wrote:I admit this hatred as wrong, unhealthy, illogical, and some would say irrational.

What would be the ultimate expression of hate? Possibly annihilating the ones you hate. Now in this world most men that are killed or tortured are being done that to by other men. So it's obviously men that hate men the most and history shows they always did and most likely will continue to do so in the future. This is sad.
Regarding your experience, the hate you feel towards men seems neither irrational nor illogical. Hate is a very strong emotion and can generate a lot of energy that you hopefully can transform and use to make your world a better place for you and the ones you love. If only those above mentioned hateful men would have the insight and thoughts you have this planet would be a better place for all living beings.
None of your emotions are wrong, be they hate, sadness, love or whatever. Finally it all depends on what actions your feelings will lead up to.