Hey Everybody :)

I'm new here and am just gonna post a little introduction (obviously) haha.
I'll start from the beginning -
As a little girl, I had separation anxiety from my mother and was a hypocondriac, believed I had rabies several times and got landed in therapy by age 8.
Also, around 8 I stumbled upon some porn and quickly fell into a ongoing sex addiction even at a age which I didn't actually understand what sex was.
The years after that were simple until about 14, the hypochondria became mild and the separation anxiety was gone. Sex addiction carried on.
I became craving attention, before 8 I had many friends but they all faded away, and by the time I was 14 I needed friendship - affection - anything.
I began dressing in low cut tops, heels, everything revealing. It didn't get me the attention I needed, it got me the wrong kind. I began fantasizing about running away with a boy who I had a "crush" on, I knew his girlfriend used to cut herself so in my needy rampage I began to as well.
This is the point where my bipolar disorder started to come in...
For some reason I don't understand, maybe someone could explain it, ever since my bipolar disorder "kicked in" I have lost so much memory. I don't really know much that happened other than the recent past.
In one extremely long manic episode, I tried to punch my dad so he would push me away - thus convincing my mom that he was abusive. He was abusive to us mentally and I don't deny that, but I manipulated her.
We moved to a women's shelter and stayed for 3 long months. I began smoking and doing drugs.
Then we got kicked out and moved into a ratty motel, I began to be extremely promicuous...I finally got the attention I needed, but my depressive episodes were too much for my mom and after considering suicide she sent me to a psychiatrist who put me on Prozac thinking I had depression.
That pushed me straight into rapid cycling bipolar disorder, within 2 weeks I was hooked on drugs, smoking, and got pregnant. I miscarried at 8 weeks after a night of partying.
It broke my heart.
But I continued...the cycle is never ending.
After almost 6 months of Prozac, many mixed episodes and lots of promiscuity and drug abuse, I stopped the prozac because i began to have extreme memory loss. I would forget where I was at times.
I'm doing better now, not having such rapid, intense episodes. But I have yet to really "crash" yet; i've only been off it 2 months.
Soon I might go to another psychiatrist but I think I'm ok.
The sex addiction went away as soon as I stopped the Prozac...I don't know why, it's something I've been battling for years. But I knew I couldn't stop drugs so easy and I couldn't handle another miscarriage.
I have a boyfriend now and I don't know how to explain my disorder to him, he knows I'm bipolar but doesn't understand.
Last night I was high off Benzos and started feeling manic, I went off on him for no reason and them started crying and saying I was sorry. He doesn't understand but he tries because he's a good man who truly loves me. I want him to understand.
I hurt too many people like this, and I know I need help but I'm so in love with my mania I don't know what to do.
Thank you all,
H

Hi, H! Feel free to post in the Bipolar Disorder Forum as well, if you like. Some people start to do really well after their meds have been fixed, maybe your doctor will help you with that. You could try to learn how to have self confidence and self love without feeling high, perhaps in therapy?