BPD and severe depression

Hello Forums,
I have come to try and find some support from people who may understand. I'm feeling hopeless and very alone.
I'm not exactly sure where I should start with my history, or what I should boil it down to. Bare with me.
I had a difficult childhood, I was first sent to the hospital when I was 13 for self injury. I was put on (the wrong) medication for depression and started therapy. I was in and out of therapy, on and off all different drugs, for years. My senior year of high school and beginning of college looked pretty bright, and I would have to say was the least depressed part of my life, but still dealt with it on a daily basis. I was functioning. A very bad series of events took place on top of each other, hospital visits, and I returned to therapy with my college and got on drugs that helped me manage. Floated along until the first semester of my senior year when I got into a relationship with someone for the last time. That ended in disaster, and I was admitted to the hospital for attempted suicide. I was finally diagnosed with BPD (borderline personality disorder), which I had a feeling that I had when my boyfriend had questioned me if I had it at the beginning of our relationship (he previously dated some therapist or something) and I had first read about the disorder. It scared me. When I returned from the hospital I now was trying to get into DBT (dialectical behavior therapy), he broke up with me and kicked me out, now it was the last semester at school and I was having a complete breakdown. If you know anything about BPD, the biggest fear is of abandonment, and that's exactly what he did. He left me when I needed him most. I can't be too angry, it's his life, I wouldn't want to deal with me either. The second part shipping me off to my parent's house... and I don't even want to get into why that is a problem. Anyway, I made it through. Managed to get into a single on campus to finish my last semester. I first started doing drugs with that boyfriend and begun smoking cigarettes for the first time after we split (stupid idea). The last semester was really rough, but I managed. I had gotten into a DBT treatment but it was super expensive because it was out of network (insurance company). I graduated, got my own place in the city, and started working as a freelance artist. My art is the only part of my life that has been triumphant. As it stands I'm having shows all over the world. I really really want to get better because my issues are crippling my life and hurting my career. I don't want to get into specifics, I'm very afraid someone will find me through my e-mail on here. (Is there a way to hide your e-mail address?)
Time goes on... about 4 months in therapy, I was doing pretty good. My parent's yanked me out, refusing to pay. Acting like nothing had happened to begin with. I was now not in school so I had no insurance... long story short, now I do but now I can't find anyone. I call every single week the entire list my insurance carrier sent me. Only ONE person has called me back to tell me they are full up, which DBT always seems to be. I'm also trying to just get to a normal therapist in the mean time and to try to get back on meds (because apparently a lot of DBT people will not see you unless you are on medication). I stopped taking them a month ago when I lost all hope and was scared that I have been on drugs for an entire decade and they have done nothing to help me (I'm now 23).
So currently I am desperately trying to get into therapy, with no avail. Seriously, 50 numbers, no one calls me back. What is wrong here? It's incredibly frustrating. I get discouraged very easily. It takes me a few days to muster up the strength again, with the same results.
I don't have many friends left, my family isn't there for me. When I try to talk to them they tell me I'm depressed because I'm making myself depressed. That I'm playing the victim. I'm making it all up. My sister (not related by blood) has bipolar and her own set of issues, she just invalidates everything I say then spills everything wrong with her. I could stand that, but not when she doesn't even recognize my struggle back. I've reached the point where I don't even try anymore and the friends that I do confide in are on their last leg. Who want's to hear a depressed person everyday and listen to what they are going through? No one, unless they are getting paid. It's a very selfish friendship, I really don't want to be this person. I've not been in love since the boyfriend mentioned, which is very odd for me. Like BPDs, I've never not been in a relationship. But now, I feel like I'll never be loved with what I have, and that I don't deserve to be loved like this. However, alls I've ever wanted was the unconditional love that was refused to me. Those thoughts fly through my head constantly, I can't shut them out. At least I have my kitty, it may sound lame, but he is the reason I can convince myself not to attempt suicide. What would happen to my beloved pet?
Everyday I just try to get through it, and try to stay positive and happy. I turn to drugs more often than I should because I just don't want to feel sad anymore. Feeling nothing is better than feeling sad. But when I don't have then I have to face what was suppressed and it's a volatile situation. I cry every single day of my life, unless I'm high, and I'm sick of it. I just had my first cutting episode in almost a year, last week.
I need help, desperately. The only one that can help me, is me. I hope I can get into therapy before things get even worse.
Hanging on as hard as I can. Thank you for listening.

Hey greene_rabbit,

I checked your account settings and it seems that your email is hidden. So, only the admins here can access it. You mentioned that your art is the one thing that has been successful in your life. I believe that this should be the central point upon which you build the rest of your life around. It is a huge benefit for you, i'm sure, and through it you can create new connections. You seem to be carrying a hefty amount of waste, such as those 'friends' of yours, and thes must be shed. Why hang onto people who only make upset you? I think that you're at an interesting point in your life actually, but you need to make a firm decision about which path you're going to take.

I don't believe that thinking about relationships and love will help you right now either. It seems that you need to work on changing your own life before you can encounter someone with whom you'll really get on with. Like I implied above, focus on what is good in your life (i.e. art) and let things blossom from that. If things don't work out with that plan, then yuo can always change them again. Life isn't static - it's very much as dynamic as you are willing to allow it to be.

Kevin

Thank you Kevin.
Art is my life. Art and coping with my issues... which kind of fuels my art. However, there is a very fine line between being inspired by it and being overwhelmed by it. All I do is go to work, do my art, and fall in and out of depression pools where I can't seem to do anything. Not get dressed, not leave my apartment, not even watch t.v. I just sit there and zone out for hours on end. I'm surrounding myself with better friends, seeing the ones I can count on more. But I have difficulty maintaining these relationships. I'll just drop off the face of the earth for a week. These states of mind are very exhausting.
I have two shows in the city at the end of August. I've just started to get into the work. I want each piece to be better than the last. I can't wait for the openings...

So you're jumping between extremes? I can relate to that - I'm sure that others can too. If yuo somehow managed to drift towards a more level state of mind, do you believe your art would be affected? One thing which I believe could help is to just have the intention to get outside for at least one hour each day. I dont' know where you live, but there must surely be a park nearby? I used to stay indoors if I could, but I have honestly stepped foot outside the door every single day for the past6 or so years. For a former agoraphobic, this is a positive!

Kevin