It's all in my head....and that's the problem!

Hello all, trigger: sexual abuse, drug use, suicidal thoughts, sex addiction

I am new here, nice to meet you all. I am 29, from U.S. female, and Black. I wanted to make a more in depth post and if anyone cares to read this and try to explain/help me figure out what is going on. I know what some of my diagnosis are: Clinical Depression, Social and Gen. anxiety disorder. I have started therapy and meds this year with "Kim" but I don't think she really understands me, sigh. I am stuck going to her b/c of insurance reasons. We talk a lot about daily activities and such, but I have other problems such as psychotic features (auditory/visual hallucinations) from time to time, and invading thoughts of suicide, problems with men that we never discuss. I have brought up some of them but she brushes over them as unimportant to the overall picture others like the porn addiction I am too embarrassed to talk about. I can spill it all on here -- thanks to the anonymity thing, LOL. I am not sure how much or how little to say on here, if it is appropriate for this site? Also, I belong in so many different sections on here, is it okay to post in a number of them?

Here is a bit about my past that I think is relevant: when I was about 7 or 8 a foster boy forced me and his biological little sister to play with his private parts, he also humped us in the middle of the night and got erections from it. He was about 10 years old. He moved out of our home, no one knew what he had done. When I was in elem. school a boy shoved me against the wall outside the school and humped me a few times a week - that went on about a month. He was one of my play friends, then he just stopped associating with me, I also never told this. Then when I was in high school about 15 or 16, a guy about 18 forced me to give him oral sex in his car at a park. I never told anyone about this (except online) until "Kim" my therapist, we didn't discuss it again. While I was in college one male friend came to my room on the last day we were all moving out of the dorms and pushed me onto my bed with the door locked, humped and kissed me aggressively until I told him to stop. I was friends with him and his gf, then he left my room, I never saw him again and have no idea why this happened to me. Which brings me to a strange and unusual fact about me: I am still a virgin and have NEVER had a bf or any sexual contact with guys besides the things I mentioned. I feel like a complete LOSER! I have no idea why no males have ever asked me on a single date in my life, except approaching me while drunk in various night clubs and asking if I want to suck their di*cks or go have a one night stand somewhere . I would love to wait until marriage to have sex, but I know that's never going to happen. I try to avoid, avoid, avoid, men whenever possible. I have a phobia of intimacy and embarrassed by thoughts of having physical sex with someone touching me and vice versa. I have an internet addiction to porn and masturbation, that is the only connection I feel comfortable with when it comes to sex. It makes me cry thinking about it. I have come to conclusions that I am very ugly, very stupid, and very weird that is why guys don't want me. I used to have a close group of friends but now I have isolated myself from them and am alone almost always save a great pitbull dog named Max I do not talk to my family about anything like this, I was raised by single mother and it is impossible to talk to her about anything sex, relationship, mental illness related. I talked to "Kim" about mixing up my medications and taking them (the seroquel, clonazempam, and percocets) in a half ass attempt to kill myself. I try not to do that anymore. Recently I have heard a baby crying (twice) in my apartment where there are no kids around, heard footfalls in the hallway when I live alone, I have heard chattering from a 1700's/1800's man and woman, and seen them once in my living room, scared me half to death I ran to my bedroom and locked myself in. Also, I thought God wanted me to commit suicide; I have invading thoughts of suicidal ideation all the time. I do not know if it is part of depression or if i am just crazy as a betsy bug

This is the last part -- does anyone know why these random, sexual things have happened to me? Why am I still a virgin at this age? Is any of this sexual stuff relevant to my mental illness? How can I get over my phobia of sex and men, so I can get married? Has anyone else ever been too ashamed to tell your therapist things? People have said I was not raped or sexually abused and if I was it was so long ago in my life I should be over it by now -- so what is my problem. I do not know, sigh. Thank you for taking time to read this.

O_O ... nice introduction. Welcome at the forums, enjoy your stay. If you need help you can pm me.