Intro/Problem

Hi hi! My name is Jackie. I'm anti-social for the most part and spend most of every waking moment(besides work and sleep time) here at my wonderful laptop. I live with my boyfriend. We just moved to Arizona so I left everything and everybody in California. But I do feel a bit happier because of it.

I'm very new to this forum and thought I'd take a stab at asking, for once...

Now it might have something to do with my childhood, I don't know. For the most part, I've gotten rid of my depression. Mostly caused by school, or so I think. I've been on a self-help/growth sort of thing and have only focused on such. I only have a high school diploma and a crappy job. And I'm fine with that until I can figure myself out.

My parents divorced when I was 4. It did get sad about that. I'm an only child and that affected me.... Having all of these games and no one to play with. My mom is a registered nurse and as far as I can remember, has always worked the graveyard shirt. She would sleep during the day while I tried to find things to do. At 6 or 7pm, she'd make me go to sleep with her so she could wake me up around 10pm to take me to my dad's house where he would take me to school in the morning.

At school I was a goofball. Always liked to make people laugh. Through middle school, through high school... It was during elementary school that I started being violent. Just once, I remember being in a fit of rage when one of my friends made fun of me. I charged at her but I had these slippery black shoes on and I slipped and fell and scraped my knees. And I still got back up and charged at her from one side of the playground, to the other. Angry, no? Yes, I do still have an anger problem. But I don't hit anybody anymore. That was a problem... Yeesh.

Middle school, I was a tomboy.... Same thing. Violent but goofy. And I wasn't always violent because I didn't get my way of things... That too, of course, but... Sometimes, I'd use my violence for entertainment.

In high school, for example... I became what one would call a "goth." Part of the group that always wore black. There's always violence with them AND it was entertaining violence. I met a new guy in the group and my hello was punching him in the stomach. He didn't care. They all just called me Evil because I am violent for no reason. And the nickname stayed. Being part of a group was fun. But even though I was part of this different group, I felt apart from them. I was different even from the different people group. Strange. So I researched and found the difference between norms and goths and that there are different types of abuse. Most of the people in that group were mentally, physically and even sexually abused. I fit into the neglect category and mental, obviously. I could never really connect with any of them. Just kind of masked it and went along with everything.

I've always thought that I -seemed- to have a good childhood. But when I think on it.... Yeah... It sucked...

High school was where I really had depression. Boyfriends... Boyfriends CHEATING....drama, drama, more drama... I was totally relieved when I graduated. Stress of school, friends, etc... I've had an IMMENSE amount of stress during my life and I've finally just gotten rid of my depression. But just one thing remains before I can head on to bettering my life. I didn't think it was a real problem until the time of thinking about a better job.

Maybe it was because of all the stress in my life that my body just can't handle ANY stress hormones it puts out? Just thinking about anything stressful puts me into a fit of tears and a bit of anxiety. Even now. Most always when I cry, I don't even have a reason to. I want to go to college and get SOMETHING to get a better job with. Even if I just think about it or the fact the I have to write essays...... It's really bad. I'm wondering what it might be and if I can fix it. I fear for my heart and for my future.

Hi, RaspberryPsycho! It does sound like you were neglected. Everything that you went through might have left you emotionally vulnerable and the thought of doing something to change your life might trigger you. Maybe past emotions come back then, because you sort of need to face the past to be able to move on.
It sounds like you might be having panic attacks.
Do you ever get mood swings?

Maybe. One time, I wanted to go to culinary school and I just started crying in front the ...administrator? Head... person... whatever... He said that's never happened before... So obviously it's just me. Lol. He just wanted to tell me about it and ask me some questions....I cancelled the whole thing. Yeah. It was very stressful for me. It's like.... If it's someone important and I'm obligated to talk to them, then I get stressed out.

Mood swings? Uhhh.... Not really. Except for that time of the month, of course. Lol. Normally, I'm pretty upbeat. I try to make stressful situations.... NOT stressful.... So other people don't get stressful and turn around and make ME stressful. That's why I like making people laugh, I guess.

I've had an anxiety attack before. Pretty recently. I got stressed out about something and kept thinking about it.... Took it home with me. If I didn't get my way with something, I felt like I would LASH out. Yeesh. :< Thanks for replying, by the way.

OH. And I took a look at another thread and it was about a woman and her son who might have mild autism... or something... Lol. The whole hand movement and "rocking" AND "dancing" thing. I move my hands a LOT, in a pattern or dancing... Most of the time, not really noticing. My boyfriend notices, though. Like she said, they do it mostly when they're in a good mood. I mostly am in a good mood and dance around whenever possible. Haha! Just thought I'd throw that in there... Rofl.. o_o

Did any one make you feel intimidated a lot, by being very strict or screaming or something? Did you get attention or out of trouble if you cried as a kid?
Maybe someone close to you would stress out about stuff a lot, and you "learned" this behaviour. Just wondering why this might be happening.
Good thing your hands get to dance when you're in a good mood, lol.

I always felt intimidated by adults who had authority. I HATE authority. The attention I usually got was if I did something bad and a teacher or counselor had to scold me or look down on me and ask questions. I was always the odd one out in my goth group and I liked it.

Since my mom is a nurse, she gets pretty stressed out a lot. I don't really remember if she was ever super stressed. I know I do get a bit of my anti-social-ness from her. She always tell me not to answer the phone. I want to just to mess with people. (Most of the time it was marketers or something like that.)

My mom was never really strict. She wanted me home by a certain time whenever I was out playing with neighborhood friends, never really got on me for not doing my homework and she actually taught me some math skills that parents these days would never do with their kids. Just a normal mom, I guess.

The ONLY time she ever hit me was when I was about....Err.. I dunno.. 9-13? She got so frustrated at something that she hit the top of my head. More like hard pat... With the palm. But it scarred me. T_T I remember thinking... SHE ACTUALLY HIT ME. My period of depression made me think of all the bad things that happened in my life and I can't ever forget them. I can think of some good things but they're outweighed by the bad.

I guess what you went through in high school could have something to do with why you're so emotional sometimes. It's hard to forget.
Maybe those people at your school were too harsh too. What would you like to do? Do you want to go to college or find something that you love and do it for a living?

All I want to do is live and live comfortably. That would probably mean getting a better job. I'm REALLY... "Meh" about going to college because I really really really really hate writing.. AKA putting my thoughts and ideas on paper. If there is any situation where I have to write, I just say NO, I'm not doing it. I never wrote any of my school essays. Even if I just THINK about doing it, I get anxious and start crying... x_x
I wanted to go to college to get something to get a better job but most of the time, you have to take general ed classes.... And I say, SCREW THAT. What's the point in me learning something that I wont use in the future.
So I guess I'm at a standstill. When I think about it, I guess I can write an essay.. or whatever AT HOME. But when it comes to... In class... .....I just say... NOPE. I thought maybe I had a fear of writing... But then... I can write at home, or anywhere other than school. Maybe a fear of writing under pressure?

Maybe this has to do with your problems with authority too, since you're expected to write it in class where the teacher is and everything. Why do you think you hate authority so much?
Maybe you're scared of disappointing too.
You might like learning for learning's sake, who knows. You could give it a try.