New to forum -- intro and asking for help.. thanks

am 35. I have been dealing with some kind of mental disorder since I was 15. I thought it was just panic, but now that I have researched - I think I may have bipolar II.

My username is imaginary audience because I have this sense of it is all about me. Everyone is watching what I do. I also have periods of extreme depression. I have suicidal thoughts sometimes. I have racing thoughts sometimes. My anxiety normally comes from these HUGE adrenaline dumps I get. I will be fine and then out of the blue it is like I am scared to death and it is a rush that goes through me. I have times where I can't stop talking and my speech is very fast. I have ideas that I just know could change my world. I have done impulsive things - all of them except drugs because I am scared of medications.

What brings me here is that I know I need help, but I have been trying to get help for two weeks now and I can't get in to see anyone until January!

When I get panic attacks or when I have to face a place where I have had one before I use slight pain to cope. Like I will carry a push pin and stick myself just enough to hurt so I won't think about the anxiety. I am scared of becoming a cutter. I have thought about it.

I have experienced times in my life when the world doesn't look or seem real to me.. I feel like I am in a video game? That is the only way I can describe it. I become overly obsessed with anything I do. If I clean, I clean. If I exercise, I exercise.

I have a script for Buspar which I don't take, Prozac which I don't take. I have one for Xanax and only take it when the anxiety is too much to bear. I quit taking my meds because they weren't helping at all.

I need to see a psychiatrist but so far nobody can see me until January. I feel like I just don't wanna be here anymore but I am forced to stay because I have a child and husband and family and I don't want to hurt them. I play normal everyday. I have become good at playing normal .

I see my GP tomorrow and I am so freaking mad about that. He will prescribe some lame a$$ antidepressant. AGAIN. I don't know what to ask for. Any suggestions?

Thanks for listening.

imaginaryaudience, you're male, right? If you are, then go to see a female GP instead. I am male and have never been overly satisfied after an appointment with a male doctor. This is why - therefore - I try to only see female doctors. They appear to care more.

All of these different prescriptions surely can't be helping your situation. With medication, the idea is to take one and stay on it for as long as is needed. They aren't magic though, and you should not expect them to all of a sudden make you feel like a million dollars. Instead, they act slowly in most cases. So, take your pills and be patient.

No I am a woman I went today and saw my GP. He is one in a million really. He spent 20 mins with me and listened to all my symptoms and then took the list of meds I had researched and we decided on seroquel. He started me on 100 a day taken at night.

I hope this works. I am scared to take new medication, but I don't wanna be here anyway so why not

Oh, I was sure that you were male. Anyway, it's difficult to tell over the Internet. Do you think that all of these different medications can't be helpful to you? Does it not seem like he's just taking chances or something? Obviously I've never met him, so, forgive me if I'm crossing any borders here.

Some of us need medication to cope so we shouldn't feel guilty about taking something as long as it is with competent medical supervision.

Some parts of your post sound how I feel--I'm bipolar. I sometimes have racing thoughts and think I have the answers to all the world's problems. I decided that I just may have the answers, but I can't change the world because the devil is in the details. In other words it is hard to force simple solutions on people, just as it is simple to say we will stop smoking or lose weight, but end up giving up.

I try to not change the world and just worry about getting myself through the day. If I just try to handle my resbonsibilities, I will not have much time to control the world.

Medications do help many people. I do not take bipolar medications because of side effects.

Good Luck,
Jim S

Okie dokie.. I am only on two medications now. So he really hasn't given alot at once. We tried Prozac, Buspar and now Seroquel. Not at the same time. I guess that would be fine but I am pretty proactive when it comes to mental health and know that I want to do one step at a time. Since he was the ONLY doc that could see me.. I tried calling several psychiatrists and no appts were avail.

I keep a script of xanax for panic attacks but it isn't an everyday thing.

So far the side effects of seroquel are tolerable. The first time I took it I had a friend with me and I took it about 2 hours before bedtime. This was not a good idea. It makes me feel loopy and I hate that feeling. I had a panic attack but it finally knocked me out.
I panic anytime I feel funny.
The second night I took it right before bed and fell into the deepest sleep. I do wake up and feel a bit groggy but nothing I can't cope with. I wish I didn't have to take anything but unfortunately that is my lot in life.

I still have appt for January to see a psychiatrist.

i havent beem to therapy for about 2 years since i turned 18.. kinda sucks kina doesnt. prob the reason why im here in the first place. i need someone to talk to that understands my issues. understands where im coming from. i freaking hate the feeling that folks dont understand. like man this is for real... this feelings and thoughts are that most do not go through in everyday life. just my little rant. sorry man.