Well .. having lurked on this forum for the best part of 18 months I have decided to get brave and register properly. Its been quite a brave week for me and I am feeling more talkative than usual
This week I finally went to my doctors and asked for help, and they actually listened too and I have been referred to the Mental Health Team for evaluation. I am as scared as hell but not sure what scares me the most. That they will diagnose me then I will be treated or that they won't believe me. I have had issues for so long they have become part of who I am, I have been prescribed Citalopram for a couple of years now and on a higher dose now.
I have no clue what makes me the way I am ? No idea how to talk to the doctors ? What it will be like ? I am really scared
When I found this forum I was so relieved to find that there are so many ppl here who are just like me. I used to self harm as a child with no clue why or what I was doing, then as I got older I turned more to drugs and cutting. I used to feel isolated from the world, just weird like it was all happening around me (this was without drugs) It was a very strange feeling like everything moved in slow motion. When I was 16 I fell pregnant with my daughter, I was not eating at the time and because of my selfish behavior we both could have died and nearly did as my iron levels were too low, but we didn't and she was a normal healthy baby and she is the only person who keeps me on track.
I have always self harmed but as I got older I changed to tattoos. I used to sometimes regret the cutting, my mood jumps quite radically and I will destroy everything around me then an hour later will be calmly cleaning the mess thinking why did I do that and hiding it all.
I was explaining to my doctor that sometimes I feel so high its like I am on top or the world, arms out and standing on one leg and then suddenly all the sunshine goes and I fall. Its the worst feeling
The anti depressants are good as they take the edge off of it and I can be more rational, can say to myself that I will feel better in the morning whereas without them I could just run away and hide forever. I am dreading talking about everything as I have all these things locked away and not sure I want to get them all out again, what if I start feeling all the feelings that go with them again ?
When I read through all the stuff that ppl write on here its quite humbling and its one of the things that has kicked me into dealing with it all now, I am now 33 and no better than when I was a child. I think I am worse, I used to just sit in cupboards and cut myself and lock all the doors and sit in the dark, now I call in isck to work and won't leave the house. Draw all the curtains and switch off the phones, don't eat and have actually taken really dodgy guys home that make me feel sick.
But then I can suddenly be filled with sunshine again until something triggers my mood swing, it can be anything. I haven't had a reply to a text message - I will totally overreact, comvinced its because the person thinks I am ugly and pathetic and its what I deserve, tell them I never want to see them again and to stay away from me forever. Then the sunshine come back and I think 'sh*t' why did I over react like that.
I got really upset the other day because my daughter used my coke glass to drink juice from and I wanted to drink coke, don't drink coke from any other glass and never put juice in that one !
Thats the other thing that pushed me to see someone.
I was so upset and angry about it when it really was no big deal as just a glass but it really bothers and eats away at me.
My ex boyfriend used to move all the kitchen cupboards around if we had a row, put the plates in the glasses cupboard and move furniture. Used to find it funny to watch me put it all back, its not an important thing but I find it really distressing, I can't really explain it but it feels horrible.
My sister is bi polar, my mum is in denial but has fms, my uncle suffers from sever depression, my aunt is seriously head broken and has the men in white coats take her away quite often and my dad had a violent tamper and an addictive personality. My nan had split personalities. My daughter however is totally stable, level headed and has no issues what so ever
I am separated from her dad (past ten years) and its not often she sees me on a bad day. She sees her dad every weekend and we are good friends.
I really have rambled on a bit
Sorry .. only meant to pop in and say hello !!
Now I started I can't shut up
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