I don't seem to have a stable self-concept

I started noticing that I wasn't well near the end of highschool.

I'm fairly successful, I have two degrees, a stable long-term job, and I own a house even though I'm not yet 30. I don't enjoy these successes - I get no expected pleasure from any of it. I don't feel particularly depressed either. I sometimes think I don't exist.

Nevertheless, I look 'off.' I am disheveled. I dress clean, but also often in worn down and over casual and ill-fitted clothes. People tend to think I'm on drugs. Women get asked if I'm bothering them or if I should be removed. A lot of people are unwilling to engage with me. But I don't really understand the standard people expect, even as I attempt to improve my clothing situation. I don't understand why I fail to perceive in myself what sets people off. I am not very aware of what's going on physically and can lose or gain a ton of weight without noticing. This year I dropped a belt-size without noticing until it was pointed out that my clothes didn't fit and were falling off.

I have a decent friend circle. I am certain they see me as eccentric. I gain friends when people listen to me and realize that I'm not actually an "ignorant, lazy, belligerent, etc."

I am having relationship issues, in part, because of this. I can't manage to be 'put-together' enough to be attractive. And I also recognize that employers or managers are out to get me, just like schoolteachers back when that was a thing, because I can't seem to shape up.

And I guess with relationships I lack confidence, not only in the relationship themselves, but also in regard to being able to act according to normal standards that I may or may not be aware of. Also, when things get tense I break under anxiety. Awareness of my social failures brings me intense anxiety. The idea of being targeted because I fail to look 'normal' also hurts.

I have a degree in psychology, but was unable to gain more insight into my issues. I see a lot of models or disorders that could apply to me, but don't actually seem explanatory in regard to my experience.

I am seeing a therapist, as I have many times, but I don't seem to get anywhere. It's difficult to fit into my work schedule anyways.

Hello and welcome,

Very sorry to hear about your struggles and hope you're doing ok.

Can you help me understand - what is it about your appearance that makes you not 'put-together enough'? Is this something that could be solved by going to a barber or a gym? Working out, I find, is also a great way to feel better about yourself and improve your mental health (which I think some people find frustrating to hear, but it's very true). It could just be a 15-20 minute thing in the morning if you have a busy schedule.
Anyway, it does sound like what you're experiencing goes deeper than that, but that could be a good place to start? Something about this sounds dissociative to me, maybe mixed in with some anxiety or paranoia, if you haven't looked into those already. I don't think it's good for you to be thinking that others are out to get you, or that you're 'off,' since that is going to negatively influence how you act and perceive yourself / the world. Be yourself and be kind to yourself. Everyone has issues and you're not alone in this. I really hope you can come to forgive your 'social failures' and feel less anxiety about being yourself.

I hope you find some answers you're looking for on this forum!