An Introduction, How I Got Here

Hello everyone!

I'm Tyler. I'm 20 years old, living in the US, currently out of school and work, being financially supported at home. I don't have the energy, motivation, or ability to do much more than rest and learn about myself at home. I'm a creative person and a musician, and I hope to invest time in that, as well, but currently, it's difficult to take care of myself and maintain where I'm at, let alone create something substantial of the ideas I've had. I'm hoping to eventually start working, seek formal counseling, and move out of my dad's place to start a healthy and independent life, but for now, that's where I'm at in life.

Throughout my life, I've struggled with a great range of mental, neurological, and cognitive challenges. From a young age, I was very different, and as I grew up, I was pretty severely neglected. If anyone here is familiar with adverse childhood experiences, or "ACEs", and ACE scores, my score reached 9 before I hit puberty, and the only reason it didn't reach 10 was that (miraculously), neither of my parents were arrested (incarcerated) or detained for longer than a night or 2. So naturally, with that kind of instability and lack of healthy nurturing, emotional dysregulation was a pretty heavy theme in my life. Along with a host of other problems, this prompted some different kinds of intervention. Unfortunately, this included psychiatric intervention WAY too young (as young as 9 years old). Since my parents were manipulative and abusive, conventional counseling and talk therapies weren't exactly effective when I was in their care, so the only "change" I experienced was through medication, and so that's where I sought to find answers, along with my family.

I've been diagnosed with these mental illnesses and neurological conditions, along with some that I probably forgot about being diagnosed with (all before the age of 15), as listed below, in order of diagnosis:
- PDD-NOS (now ASD)
- MDD
- GAD
- Social Anxiety

- Psychosis (thought to be related to depression)
- Bipolar Disorder
 (specifically Bipolar 2)
- OCD
- ED-NOS
- ADD/ADHD
- PTSD

Since these diagnoses, I've realized that I was very seriously misdiagnosed, mistreated, and over-medicated. The psychosis that I experienced was drug-induced, from being on put on SSRIs, mood stabilizers, stimulants, and ironically, anti-psychotics. These medications also exacerbated many of the symptoms I experienced in the past, most notably the depressive symptoms that psychiatrists tried to use medication to fix/help.

For years after, I was left with a great sense of distrust of the medical industry, and unfortunately in the fate of humanity. I've spent a large portion of my time in introspection and study, learning about mental health and learning to help myself. I figured that I wouldn't kill myself after putting in all this work in myself to get better, so I might as well figure out how to make the best of things. This came with learning about my diagnoses, the medications I took, how I've been affected by trauma, and ultimately deconstructing my unhealthy coping mechanisms and masks I've developed to figure out who I actually am. It's been a strenuous journey, and I'm still very much on it, but I have found a sense of connection and understanding to myself well beyond what I used to.

Currently, I do identify with being on the autism spectrum and having PTSD (more accurately PTSD AND C-PTSD), and the symptoms related to the other diagnoses largely stem from these conditions. I know I struggle especially with things like stress management and executive functioning. It's difficult to find the means and motivation of interacting with the world overall in a healthy and constructive way, enough to sustain myself and create an independent life for myself.

I've also found a sense of identity in the LGBTQ+ community. Before, I thought I was straight because I was attracted to women, and my behavior bordered on hypersexual because of codependent tendencies and sexual trauma, but I've realized that I identify as being on the asexual spectrum (likely just asexual), some type of queer-romantic (either bi/pan or ace, because I'm not sure how I interpret romantic feelings or if I have them???), and also GNC (agender is the label I feel most connected to). Joining the AVEN Forums inspired me to check out forums for mental health, and so I'm here.

I've had a pretty unconventional life, and I do what I can to be as authentic as I can be, but people always seem to be learning things about me, even those that I'd consider closest to me in my life, so hopefully I can contribute to these forums and offer something positive through my experience of life.