I'd Like to say thanks for the welcome, My name is usually Si but it could be Max writing instead.He's my Other.He doesn't go for this sort of thing so it'll be Me, mostly.If something I'm writing changes in tone and becomes confrontational or aggressive, that'll be Max.
Before we begin Here's a little about me.I'm 50, Male and have a Son who I don't see much.I,m currently mainly retired( no one will employ me) but help my in friends security company sometimes, I would say I'm content mostly, especially when I'm at home.
I used to be a Prison Officer with a reasonably standard life.Morgage, pretty partner, a child, Dog.Holidays and a nice car.All the trappings people seem to aspire to nowadays.That was until 2014 and everything changed.
Now for what drives me, my mind that is.Bi-Polar type 2, sociopathic ASPD,BPD,DID,Emotionally unstable and mixed personality types.Finally.COPD ( lung Disease)which isn't a Personality issue but kinda bothers me because It's going to kill me.
Together.They make me who I am and at various times in my life, they've had drastic effects on career and relationships, not particularly helpful ones either but I suppose I'd have had a less interesting ride.
I've always felt there was something different about me.The way I didn't feel much emotionally or care how other people felt.I had no real friends or Family I could be bothered to see.Relationships were always hard work and never ended well.I'm not going into every detail now but in short, I've tried most things from Paratrooper to pulling weeds in fields in Israel.Merchant Navy, Carpenter, Drug dealer and Prison Officer. Plenty more in between.
Half my life was spent abroad until I ended up back in the UK to try and lead a normal life.
And here I am.
I'm here because I've asked my Mental health providers for help, as they said I should when things are unravelling. So far they aren't doing much so I need to talk sometimes.I've found that talking to others like me can be almost relaxing because I can drop my masks and just be me.
The situation with Max is getting worse, the times I'm pushed out are more frequent now and I lose Hours if not days.I don't understand much about it but It can be a little upsetting.
Don't get me wrong.It's not all bad.I couldn't Imagine things differently.I feel sorry for people who Feel emotions and let them drive them.I realise that some of us aren't meant to be part of the herd and prefer our own way.That doesn't mean I'm Isolated.Far From it. I find people interesting, how we behave and interact has always fascinated me.
I Think I've said enough for now.I don't know how often I will write or chat but I want to understand what drives us all.Especially people like me.The ASPD is my driver but I'm not a Psychopath, there's loads of negative stuff written about us.Most of it's a little dramatic but there's no getting around the fact that we can be hurtful to others.I am not here to do that.Just vent a little maybe when things get too much.
Like I said, Its not all bad so HELLO from me,Remember.it's not us that's crazy,It's them.
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