Obviously Anxious (TW?)

Ah, hi? So... Y'all can call me Mel. I've been trying to write something here for about... two hours. Just trying to bring myself to type something and getting more and more worked up about it and people from "real life" seeing this. Last time I posted on a mental health forum I was somewhere around 16 years old so about 7 years ago and... my parents found it and I said that what I wrote there was lies and I don't know why but I just ended up pushing all of that away and acting like everything was okay but... like I said, 7 years later and I'm no better. Only now the stakes are higher because I'm in the military now and... I'm so scared. We have this free healthcare and all these resources available but I just know if I told someone everything I'm feeling that it wouldn't end well.

I'm pretty constantly thinking about killing myself and sometimes I have panic attacks at the thought of going to work and I keep getting myself further and further in debt because I can't control my spending at all and my job involves me getting up in front of people all the time and briefing my entire command and everybody just keeps telling me I need to get used to it and it'll get better the more I do it but I honestly don't remember the events after they're done and most of the time end up a shaking mess or crying in my rack because of my anxiety and it's all just piling up.

My coworkers are really bad about making off color jokes about things like suicide and depression and it's really hard not to pay attention and think that nobody would care if I went through with it even though we have the 22 pushups for the 22 sailors who kill themselves everyday thing. Five days before my last birthday I almost killed myself but I managed to text one of my coworkers who I knew just had a close relative go through with it and he managed to talk me down and stopped participating in the jokes.

I know I'm going to get worse when I start getting really into my fitness and eating "healthy", but really I just end up replacing my meals with meal replacement shakes or just taking supplements, but then one day I'll just snap and eat anything within reach, like the time I ate an entire loaf of bread, a package of uncooked noodles, a can of ravioli, a bag of chips, and a whole bunch of candy in about 10 minutes. And then I'll panic because I know that's my indicator and I'll just think "wouldn't it be better if I just wasn't here anymore?" and then I just spiral.

I'm honestly just shaking right now and I keep having to go back and fix typos because the keys keep swimming and I miss what I want.

I know I'm probably going to have an anxiety attack when I start shaking my foot a lot and rubbing my fingers together and I'm constantly biting the skin off of my lips to the point of bleeding and I bite my nails down to the bed to the point where there's no more nail to bite so I chew the skin around the nails and my cuticles off.

So... I don't know what all's wrong with me and it just feels like the list grows every day so... that's me, I guess. I'm a mess if you couldn't tell. Ah, nice to meet y'all?

Sounds very stressful! Do you have any plans to leave the military? Can you get an assignment that's less stressing on you?

Hi Mel,
Yes i see how your life is very stressful and totally understand how you cant take help from the healthcare resources available to you at the moment.

But as Snaga has already asked ..is there any plans for you to leave the military or at least get a different assignment for a while?