The rejected one

I was searching the internet because I am really being bothered by the resentment I am feeling towards my mother and sister for quite sometime now. Well, to give you a little background about myself, I belong to a broken family and I am the eldest of two siblings. Our father left us 8 years ago. I am 22 years old now and it took me all those years to realize and admit to myself that I am the 'rejected one'. Obviously, they reached my (what I thought to be unending) limit.

When we were young, I never questioned why my sister always receive all the best things in the world. She always get the new stuff- New Phone, New clothes (as for my clothes, I buy them in the thrift store). Even though I was the eldest, I was the one who ALWAYS gets the hand-me-downs. During graduation in the primary school, my mother gave me a mini radio (worth 14$) as a graduation gift. That was it. The most expensive gift I ever received from her. From there, things started to get worse. Everytime my sister asks for something she always gets it. And my mother's reasoning back then? "she doesn't want to hurt my sister's feelings.

So then, my parents separated. My sister became so affected because she was the daddy's girl. I never shed a tear. I told my self that I have to be strong for my mother and sister. Thus, I acted tough, eventhough I was really hurting inside. I sacrificed everything. She's always the happy-go-lucky one, and I am always the "skip all the fun one because I have lot of responsibilities" Whenever I want something, I would always think first before telling it to my mom because there might be other things we need at the house. I love my mother and sister so much because they're all I have. So if I need to sacrifice, I do. And so, It went for years. When I turned 18, my mother asked me what I wanted. So I told her an electric violin, I was really happy and excited that time. It never came.
That was November. And on January, when I got home, I saw a new laptop. That was for my sister's birthday. It was really painful. My mother told me that because she NEEDS it. But all I see her do is to visit social networking sites. But then, as the older one, I tried to wait for my turn, maybe the violin will come... I waited, and waited... 2 years had passed. Nothing.

When I was in college I studied away from home, so I was staying in a dorm. My mother sends me $12 per week for all my expenses. That is not enough, in fact, all my friends were shocked when they discovered that. My friends asked me back then because I never joined them when they eat outside. I always eat biscuit in my room. I worked in a restaurant just to have money to finish my thesis, I never asked help especially when I get short of money because I don't want my mother to have a burden. And when I graduated from college, I even have to beg and cry just so I could have my graduation picture taken. For Christ's sake I worked hard for that!

I am really blessed to have known my boyfriend for 2 years now. Knowing my situation, he always took care of me. He took over my mother's responsibility. And you know what's more painful? His mother loves me more that my own mother. His family gave me love more that what I receive from my own.
After college, I worked at a University, and everyday, I would walk to and from work just to save the transportation expense. It's a 45-minute walk (one way if I may emphasize). I am doing it just to have a little savings for myself because all my pay goes to my mother because we have a big debt in the house. So yes, she gave me the responsibility of paying the $1000 debt for the house. While my sister when she have extra money, she goes crazy what to buy first. I have 3 pairs of pants (one I bought 4 years ago), 2 pair of shoes and 2 pair of rubber shoes (all from my boyfriend), and my sister has two big closet full of her clothes and shoes. Literally, I get nothing for myself.

Now. I am starting to really feel everything - the pain of admitting that maybe I am really the rejected one. So Now I am not talking to my mother and my sister. I am planning to have my own place and never talk to them again. I have lots of people in my life who is willing to give me love. I don't need people like my mother and sister who despite the love and sacrifice I give them, still never acknowledges me. And in case you want to know, I never received any "thank you" from them ever since. I think I have wasted 22 years of my life. I would rather be an orphan than to be with them. This decision is a really big step for me. I hope I can be enlightened.

^^^Read.