On the verge of mental breakdown

This is my first post on this site and also the main reason I got this account to see what others think as I don't want to discuss this with people that I actually know.

Over the last couple of months, my life has been turned upside down. I am a 19 year old male and I started college this fall, and for the first time ever, I became very much interested in a girl that I have become friends with. Yes, I have never liked a girl before and while relationships did interest me, I found that no girl I knew interested me (there have been only two girls that i have been even attracted to, but i did not know either of them, just their face).
Then, after talking with a friend about why I had no interest in girls before, i told something that i had not told anyone before. When i was 5 or 6, there was a 13 (or so) year girl whose house me and my siblings would visit sometimes (she also had a brother and her parents were never home). When we were alone one time, she pinned me down and would lick and forcefully kiss as well as touch me sexually and force me to do the same. Though i do not remember much more than that, i only remember this happening once (though we went to her house fairly often). I never thought much about the occurrence and still am uncomfortable and have difficulty considering it molestation (everyone ive told says its molestation but i never call it that).

Im not even sure how to explain the actual problems ive been having other than while trying to pursue a further relationship with this friend of mine, there is a part of me that very much would like to get to know her and become intimate, but there is another side, a more stronger side, that DESPERATELY wants to be left alone, so much that i often wish i never met her and feel that i would drop out of college (and join the army or something) just to get out of this. Every single move i might make on her, like ask her out to some lunch, i FORCE myself every time, and eventually made myself to tell her i like her which was the single hardest thing i have ever said in my life. I thought that by doing these things and throwing myself out there, things would get better, but they have become profoundly worse. I've come to doubt everything about myself, including my emotions and thoughts and even my memories of the past and often tell myself that all these are lies. I think these things over and over until my head feels like its splitting in two. The worst part is when in my head i convince myself that i am making up all these problems (why i would is beyond me).

My mind has become unbelievably scattered and yesterday, I came home and started to cry and shake for no particular reason, which was particularly odd since on that day I had lunch with just the two of us after not seeing her for a while (because of spring break) and i was excited. Then today, I spent the whole day at school unbelievably exhausted and did not eat for most the day. Friends noticed and asked what was wrong, but I simply blamed it on my physical problems that I've been having though knowing full well I was more mentally and emotionally spent than ive ever been in my life. I even basically ignored her as well (we had two classes together).

I'm so sick of this and keeping up with classes and working on the schools newspaper has been nearly impossible. I enjoy basically nothing that i used to, and wish that i could abandon school, friends and her completely, but have this unbelievable problem with confrontation and try to avoid conflict with everyone. Existence has become exhausting.

I feel that if i tried to get some sort of help, it would be a bother to family and other people, and frankly, i dont really want any help but was wondering what people on here thought about it. Sorry if this is chaotic, but i still dont even feel that ive fully described what im going through mentally, and dont think that i even can.

Dear John,

it sounds like depression to me. You'll be glad to know that it can be treated well, and even cured. You should visit a psychiatrist.

Try posting about it in the depression forum: depression/

Best of luck,
Mirage

I agree sounds like depression but we need to address old fears. I would say what happened with the girl pinning you down scared you and you didn't feel safe. This may be a trumatic experience and be restricting you now in later life so i suggest try to relax and embrase any new encounters with women. DON'T DWELL ON THE PAST LOOK TO THE FUTURE