Newbie reporting for service

Hey everyone! Young man in his early twenties here.

First of I would like to really like to really forward good criticism to this forum, as I have browsed through several boards, seeing how people help each other, come to conclutions, advicing and teoretically providing a hand for each and everyone.

Now I've been wondering for a few years what really happened to my inner universe from my teenage years following up to now. I know psychological factors are to complex and massive to make the concluding-possibilities of an eventual diagnosis/illness through the webs are very hard, however it sure is a start, being provided input and just emptying worries to other likemindeds.

So, starting with some boasting of, with some of myself, will try to keep it short with main events that could have play a bigger part into my "transformation". Like a timeline.

- Born
- Age of 2, moved to grandparents as my parents split up, with the combination of my mom being schizophrenic and epileptic.
- Live a pretty normal life, grows up to be a happy, nice young fella.
- Age of 8, starting to see some angry outbursts, getting frequently harrassed by my grandmother basically going all "how useless and $#%^" I am.
- High school years starts, from this on up and forward to my years in college I get bullied for being gay (gay is the perfect identitymurder in the redneck-like region Im living in). It got some heavy verbal at times so it scarred me, and the worst thing from now on was being labeled "#######1" and even homoerotic humour made my stomach go through the floor.
- My gets very heavy and prolounged breaks over the years, and without being personally afflicted by these occations, it sure is a horrible experience to see her in that state.
- College comes up, seems to be the best year of my life with new friends and generally awesome times. At this moment, Im so fed up and apathic I start a careless drift into the drop-out abyss when the year is over. I quit after first year.
- I went into this careless, die-hard mode which I pretty much didn't care for anything or anyone anymore. You couldn't find a more apathic guy even if you tried. My grandparents most likely noticed this, as all the harassement and "all of a sudden angry outbursting on me" from my grandmother stopped at that very moment, in addition to a awesome 3 weeks vacation.
- Get a couple of girlfriends during the years, I broke up both times in fury after about 1/2 year, quickly ending all communications. Looking back, it sure is painful as I realize them both were lovely angels attempted to help me against myself, as I turned even more paranoid as time went by.
- Few years of working and military service here I am, this is me today:

Apathic, careless, over average smoker, distanced, shy, socially awkward when in big groups or noteable persons are interacting with me, reserved, hate everybody occationaly, just wanting to see the world kind of "burn", quit all connection with most of my friends except a few good ones, that lives far away not obliged to bind to close relations with, as I rather want to be alone. Im also a heavy porn addict now, I would watch it for several hours days upon days. I believe the combination of porn and smoking keeps me away from thinking and reflecting, which would always pull me back to my more paiful past combined with anger and regret.

Refering to my "regrets" are the occations where my offence have been to high and to far to keep my shield up and actually peoples feelings have been hurt. Now the "timeline" might be narrow, as the wall of text are huge enough allready, its basic description, just spice it up with terror.
Im also not trying to victimize myself in any way, nor justify anything.

Tags for suspicion throughout have been: "Psychopath, Asperger, Autist, PPD, Sociopath, Narcissist, various personality disorders, PTSD and ADD." Some of these being suggest by others.

Questions answered gladly!

Thanks.

Hi, sorry to here about all these problems, and welcome to the forums.

I was going to write some thought's about this but my meds are kicking in and soon i will be sleeping, i will post them tomorrow instead.

TalkingDead wrote:- Age of 2, moved to grandparents as my parents split up, with the combination of my mom being schizophrenic and epileptic.
- Live a pretty normal life, grows up to be a happy, nice young fella.
- Age of 8, starting to see some angry outbursts, getting frequently harrassed by my grandmother basically going all "how useless and $#%^" I am.
- High school years starts, from this on up and forward to my years in college I get bullied for being gay (gay is the perfect identitymurder in the redneck-like region Im living in). It got some heavy verbal at times so it scarred me, and the worst thing from now on was being labeled "#######1" and even homoerotic humour made my stomach go through the floor.

Such disruption of your family in early life could have had an influence on your attachment style witch combined with the bullying could easerly lead to some social difficulties. Seeing your mothers illness probable had some negative effects, my care coordinator thinks that my witnessing my dads schizophrenia could have contributed to my problems.

TalkingDead wrote: - College comes up, seems to be the best year of my life with new friends and generally awesome times. At this moment, Im so fed up and apathic I start a careless drift into the drop-out abyss when the year is over. I quit after first year.
- I went into this careless, die-hard mode which I pretty much didn't care for anything or anyone anymore. You couldn't find a more apathic guy even if you tried. My grandparents most likely noticed this, as all the harassement and "all of a sudden angry outbursting on me" from my grandmother stopped at that very moment, in addition to a awesome 3 weeks vacation.
- Get a couple of girlfriends during the years, I broke up both times in fury after about 1/2 year, quickly ending all communications. Looking back, it sure is painful as I realize them both were lovely angels attempted to help me against myself, as I turned even more paranoid as time went by.

The main thing here seams to be apathy. What was it that moved you from "the best year of my life with new friends and generally awesome times" to the apathy? and what lead up to breaking up with your girlfriends? Understanding these things could help prevent them in the future.

TalkingDead wrote:this is me today:
Apathic, careless, over average smoker, distanced, shy, socially awkward when in big groups or noteable persons are interacting with me, reserved, hate everybody occationaly, just wanting to see the world kind of "burn", quit all connection with most of my friends except a few good ones, that lives far away not obliged to bind to close relations with, as I rather want to be alone. Im also a heavy porn addict now, I would watch it for several hours days upon days. I believe the combination of porn and smoking keeps me away from thinking and reflecting, which would always pull me back to my more paiful past combined with anger and regret.

What strikes me here is how your withdrawn from the world around you and your paste. I think it would be a good idea to seek some sourt of profesional help for this. If possible i'd advice you try and think something you can get really enfuciastic about you could start just by doing some volentary work once a week and look around a build up until you think something you can really ingage in, this would give you something positive in your life aswell as your past and the addictions.

TalkingDead wrote:Tags for suspicion throughout have been: "Psychopath, Asperger, Autist, PPD, Sociopath, Narcissist, various personality disorders, PTSD and ADD." Some of these being suggest by others

I can't diagnose you or rule anything out, you need a psychiatrist for that.

Good luck

Thanks for the input Winter!

Doing anything voluntarily would pretty much work to get some "steam blowing" again, socially and motivationally speaking. However the thought of people pondering about lets say for example "Why the hell did he start working with Red cross, geeee what a loser" sure's crap.

I do however have a personal tiny theory why apathism would occur.

Low self image -> Fear of failure/rejection/ridiculed -> Low self esteem -> Apathism.

Now socially I do have a tremendous fear of being labeled "gay" as it's rooted deep in me as something very negative, only abominations would be. This seems like a double "closet" effect, I am however in no way gay or any type of "phile", or do have any grudges, disgust or hate against anyone with an alternative sexuality, it seems to be an easy and unjustifiable cry for personal attention and has a tremendous "heads-up" shocking effect. Where Im from gaybashing is the number one funny thing, and if you don't participate in the jokes which always ends up in long "gay erotic stories", you are definately under pretentious perception being a "closeted #######1".

Speaking about attention, im not gonna lie or brag, but I am good looking and once upon a time had good charismatic gesture to. Im not sure, but im gonna ramble this theory anyway which is following: When I was a smiling and easy going guy, situated in being occupied by something or daydreaming or whatever, which wasn't giving the person(s) attention, this shocking or challenging method was used for getting my attention to look at he/them with this kind of questioning marked/dramatic facial expression which seems to be my most attractive facial gesture except my heartedly smile. < Not statement, more of an thought.

The combination oversensivity, introverted and empathic does not help at all as im by nature scared of big groups of people, which actually doesn't not help in this part neither.

Even in the shortest conversations the past year, I can easily tell people notice there is something wrong/changed with me, and it has happened way to many times now. Neighbour's, old familiars you name it, I used to have jovial and easy conversations together with, seems to be more careful and gently approaching when interacting with me.

Such disruption of your family in early life could have had an influence on your attachment style witch combined with the bullying could easerly lead to some social difficulties. Seeing your mothers illness probable had some negative effects, my care coordinator thinks that my witnessing my dads schizophrenia could have contributed to my problems.

Well the amount of emotional love received can be questioned to be fair under average, very much been a silent watcher by heavy intrigues and being sort of a "aftermath". My uncle which I have close ties to told me I was very close to be a subject of abortion. Now thats freaking trippy to know that, but I use that as a reminder when my depressions are at it's peaks to sort of hold on and remind me of how lucky and grateful I should be instead of blowing my brains all over the wall which would devastate my mom who have given so much to me, including much of her health due to a complicated birth.

The main thing here seams to be apathy. What was it that moved you from "the best year of my life with new friends and generally awesome times" to the apathy? and what lead up to breaking up with your girlfriends? Understanding these things could help prevent them in the future.

College - mostly rebellious behaviour I believe. Girlfriends - Paranoia, mainly the fear of be being a subject to ridicule, like in some soap-opera all girls would talk about every aspect of their boyfriends, even consistency of $#%^ that morning.

I can't diagnose you or rule anything out, you need a psychiatrist for that.

No, please, I would rather be grateful than offended for any indicator's, beliefs or theories based on my writing and signals. That's why I have exposed myself on the board.


Have a nice weekend everyone!