i think id rather be crazy than deal with this crap? (meds)

hi, im new here.

diagnosed with bipolar II.. im about 75% confident in that diagnosis.. a pretty bad (albeit alcohol induced, lasting a week) episode of mania pushed me towards the psych appointment leading to that diagnosis.

so far ive been on seroquel and risperdol. the seroquel worked, but had massive side effects. the risperdol doesnt seem to work for me at all.. it makes me snappy and angry, screws up my sleep pattern, makes me starving. cycling is a big part of my life.. a big part of cycling is being fit.. being starving constantly and gobbling junkfood isnt conducive to my lifestyle, nor is it healthy to be obese.

i have mental problems. ive known this since i was a teenager (im 26 now). i go crazy, i do stupid things, ive, as a result, taken a lot of drugs i shouldnt have and done a lot of things i shouldnt have.. yet im older now, ive grown to understand my metal condition and understand how i operate.. sometimes the downs hurt, sometimes the ups hurt... sometimes they hurt a lot..

.. yet i cant help but feel these last few months with psychiatric medication have damaged me, both physically and mentally, more than my disorder ever has.

why am i taking medication that causes SEVERE side effects, sometimes life threatening side effects, when im in a period of stability? why am i packing on pounds of fat in the sake of being healthy? why do my liver and stomach cry in distress from processing strong medication in my time of dealing with life in a steady manner?

fine. im in a bit of an upswing here. im a bit angry.. maybe, just maybe a bit manic.. its nothing i cant handle though, nor is it anything i havent handled before. really, the seroquel, i LOVED it. it turned off my severe manic episode like a light-switch. when the episode was ended by the drug i wanted nothing more to stop taking it.. but why am i being pushed so much of this drug? why am i being told to keep taking it, when ive stopped for weeks and still feel fine?

these meds have reeked havoc on my body, my self esteem, and my life. i think they serve a purpose, as i 100% attribute the ending of my latest manic episode to seroquel.. but why so damn much?

im bearing a lot of anger towards my doctor for this.. i feel like i need help, but i feel like every time i question my perscription he tells me to double the dose and expect symptoms to go away (hes claimed depakote, seroquel, and risperdol dont cause weight gain, and any hunger will dissipate. this is damn near a lie, and a well documented side effect).

id like your input.. i dont even know who you are, but id like it.

I can relate to your anger. To bring my bipolar disorder under control, I was medicated until all I could do was sit in a chair and get fat. I topped off at 300 pounds, before meds I was in good shape at 190 pounds.

I eventually got off all meds with the help of exercise and support groups. For a time I probably needed something to keep me from harming myself and others. Were you a danger to yourself or others?

If you decide to get off meds, you need to take it slowly. Quitting cold turkey will probably cause all your symptoms to return with a vengence and the event can be dangerous. If you stop taking drugs, you will need some sort of program of therapy, support groups, exercise, yoga, etc. Being bipolar has given me a great deal of imagination and energy which I have used to accomplish my dreams, but my nature is wild and must be controlled and redirected. On my website, I detail the methods and resources that have helped me. You may not like my way because it takes a fair amount of effort. Nearly all people with mental illness opt for the quick fix of a pill which sometimes works.
Good Luck,
Jim S

I know pretty much exactly how you feel. You are not alone in the medication vs. be crazy dilema. Ill just tell you a little about how i was able to figure out the meds situation, and i hope it helps...
I was diagnosed 5 years ago as bipolar type 2 rapid cycling(along with other mental illnesses, it was a great day when the doc told me just how crazy i was). The first doc i went to was supposedly an expert in the bipolar research area, but i ended up having to drop out of college because the meds he forced me to take made me a complete wreck. I couldnt get out of bed to go to class, and if i managed to get my expanding arse out of bed, i would get halfway across campus and end up sitting down on the ground(i didnt care if i was in the middle of the street) and bawling my eyes out and calling my then boyfriend and basically talking nonsense. I never felt crazy (or more crazy than the rest of the world) until i started taking those meds.I gained 60+ lbs in one month, developed Gout(crystalization in the ball of my foot, which is usually diagnosed in 50-60 year old men, and i was a 20 year old girl),became severely suicidal,started doing recreational drugs heavily and basically was completely out of control.
Ive been to other doctors than just this first one, and i felt like the docs i saw didnt really care about my side effects and would just put me on the meds they felt comfortable with.
Being a psych undergrad when i was diagnosed,when i finally had some energy from not taking my meds, i started researching,researching,researching.
I finally found a doctor about 3 years ago that actually LISTENED and didnt just hand out prescriptions he liked. He has since moved his practice to 2 hours away, but because i dont ever want to feel like i did with the other doctors,i still see him. From my experience, you HAVE to be your OWN advocate. I used to worry about calling the doctor too much to discuss side effects etc, but i had to get over that. You have to find a doctor you are completely comfortable with, one who listens and checks on you. Just because they have a medical degree doesnt mean they know a thing about what they are prescribing to you. Alot of doctors in all specialty areas are 'in cahoots' with the pharmaceutical companies, and they actually get money for prescribing certain meds. Its a very sad and pathetic reality that i realized after way too many side effects. Be picky! Research your psych doc,at the first session-interview them! Find out what they know and dont know, and if you arent comfortable with any of their answers, keep looking. I know its a horrible struggle to have to take meds that make you almost feel worse than your diagnosis, so be proactive. Dont be afraid to ask the important questions. Just because they have an MD or DO doesnt mean they know what you are going through. And few, if any, meds work the same way in different people. We all have a unique chemical imbalance going on, and until the science catches up, its a trial and error process. Also, ive had almost all my doctors tell me to give every stinking medication at least 2-4 weeks before deciding i dont want to take it. Know your own body, and if something feels crappy after youve only taken 3-4 days worth of the meds, demand your doctor take you off it. Find someone who has been through the rigamarole of dealing with psych doctors and insurance companies and pharmacies and medications.I dont want to see anyone have to go through what i went through in order to be considered stable on my meds. It ruined my life,and i still havent fully recovered from that. The best thing you can do for yourself is to arm yourself with knowledge. I can honestly say that i have become somewhat of an 'expert' on Bipolar disorder, because i obsessed over it.To this day, im wanting to learn more and more. And remember, psychology and mental illness is subjective(meaning you could go to 10 different doctors complaining of the exact same symptoms, and get 5 or 6 different diagnoses), so read and research as much as you can. a couple years ago, i realized all of this, it was a total epiphany moment, and since that day, i have researched the crap out of every single medication my doctor suggests. And keep a mood journal, bring it to your doctor so they can see how and if a medication is even working.
Sorry to ramble on, and i hope this helps you even a little. The more you know about what your dealing with, the better care you can command from your treating doctor. Dont go through what i did. If i had known then what i know now, my issues with meds would have been alot easier to deal with. Take care of yourself, and dont give up on meds right away. Ive found they honestly CAN help, but they have to be RIGHT for YOU.And if a doctor ever tries to push a med on you, they better have something to back it up with, because ive found that the ones pushing certain meds to all or most of their patients are the ones who shouldnt be treating you.And dont be afraid to open up to your doctor, about anything. They arent trained to judge or criticize you or get you in trouble for anything you say or do. It took me over 2 years to find a doctor i was comfortable with,and id find a way to still have him treat me even if he lived in another country. Good doctors are terribly hard to find, but once you do find that doc,things will be SO much easier.Again, sorry for rambling, the meds issue frustrates me greatly. I wish you the best!

I was diagnosed with Bipolar last year and they put me on Risperadol which was great for helping me sleep but made me put on a lot of weight...which i hated. That and i couldn't ejaculate...so i got rid of it quick smart, so i went down the Lithium road and then this year decided to halve my medication because Lithium can make you apathetic, it still seems to be working and not putting as big a toll on my body and i've increased my exercise because being fat is just depressing and only adds to your woes.

figured id give an update.

theres two words to describe this.. HOLY $#%^! i was put on lamictal. perfect! i feel fine, great even. better than i have since.. well i cant remember. i feel normal, im happy, im productive at work, i can cope with people and my relationships better without jumping to anger. depression is GONE. social anxiety is 90% gone. compulsions are gone, obsessive behavior is gone. it makes me a bit lazy, so i just have to force myself to exercise and get out sometimes. it gives me a headache, but who cares, headaches are small potatoes compared to being off medication.

the one thing.. im hyper sexual now. i could go 10 times and still want more. im mentally ready for sex even if my body is not. im sure its annoying my girlfriend, but it seems like quite a weird side effect for a psych medication!

but there you go. im "cured".