Help me analyze my resistance to medication?

I wouldn't really categorize myself as depressed, more often than not I'm not depressed. That said there's times when I slip into cycles of negativity and slip into some kind of 'empty' depression when I don't have something that motivates me or smth to look forward to. But anyway, I've always known SSRI's would be a really easy thing for me to try if I wanted to, but the idea of them makes me very angry and I'm trying to get to the bottom of that feeling. Anger is the key here. There's all sorts of reasons I don't want to take them, the idea of being dulled or never wanting to stop them, the effort that it takes to find a good drug, etc etc. But I've noticed I also feel that about therapy in general, that it will make me happy (aka my emotions dulled) and ‘take me off of peoples hands’ so that they don’t need to think about me anymore and can distance themselves from me, can be ‘easy’ friends with me and not really love me. that i’ll be ‘taken care of’ and can cruise through life lonely and slightly unhappy and dull, and I'll just be forgotten by others. What negative self-beliefs do I have to unpack here? I guess it's something to do with the idea that I'm not lovable unless I'm in need, and struggling is the only way that people love me aka I want to be loved and I believe that pity is the closest I can get?