No idea which subforum to post in...

...so I figured I'd pick this one. Moderators, feel free to move this thread if it turns out there's a specific subforum that better fits the topic.

Ehm, I don't really know how to start, but let's just say that I think I may have a mental disorder, but I have been unable to find any specific disorder that covers the problems I'm experiencing. Given that I'm pretty much out of options, I was hoping some of you people here may be able to give me some advice.

Basically, my problem is that I don't have a personality. Or, perhaps more properly, I *do* have one, but it virtually always is a reflection of a specific fictional character I've been reading about/seen a movie from/made up. If a certain character affects me enough (and that happens quite quickly), I 'absorb' that characters personality, and start living my life as if I felt the same way as that character. This is not just pretending, I *really* feel the way that character feels, which makes it all very confusing.

For example, I've recently finished a computer game called Final Fantasy VIII. The main protagonist in that game is very blunt and insensitive, and an extreme loner. Ergo, my personality now has the same traits. I *know* that I shouldn't just be different than I am (whatever that is), and I'm *aware* that I'm taking over traits of a fictional character that isn't me, but... there's just nothing I can do about it. As much as I can deny it, I now simply feel this way, and there's nothing I can do about it until I 'absorb' another character and again become a different person.

Because of the aforementioned, it has been impossible for me to be treated by a psychologist, and I believe I have so far gone through 4 psychologists and a number of a psychiatrists, and none of them have been able to help me. Although I'm sure they mean well, they always end up focusing on a specific set of personality problems, and when those problems suddenly disappear (because I've become a different character), they think 'problem solved' and tell me to come back if ever I start feeling depressed/blue/antisocial again. I hope you can see how frustrating this is for me. :/

I have a few clues about why I might be this way. I've been bullied in elementary school, though I never thought it ended up affecting me that much, and I've also noticed that if there's a 'romantic' background to a story, I am more likely to become that character. Other than that, I have no idea. I have no idea what to ask, and no idea how people might be able to help me out. I don't even know if I really want help. I just hope some of you might be able to give me some useful pointers on how to deal with whatever it is that I am.

What is your memory like? Do you have any gaps in time? Can you remember your childhood for example?

ALOQ wrote:they always end up focusing on a specific set of personality problems, and when those problems suddenly disappear (because I've become a different character)

Once the characters have been created, do they remain within you? Do they come out again later and have the same set of consistent feelings and behaviours that they had before? That then when that character goes away again, you can't really remember how it felt to be that character?

Obviously it's good to get a professional to be able to diagnose you of course and we can't do any of that here but I think it might help you to be talking here because you will become more familiar with describing your symptoms and will gain a better handle on the extent of your symptoms and how to describe them. This will help you if you decide to go back to a professional at some stage because you will have more idea about how to talk about the problem so that they are able to understand enough to be able to help you.

salted lipstick wrote:What is your memory like? Do you have any gaps in time? Can you remember your childhood for example?

My memory is, well, maybe not flawless, but it's working well enough. I can remember my childhood, and am quite sure I remember most things just as well as everyone else.

salted lipstick wrote:Once the characters have been created, do they remain within you? Do they come out again later and have the same set of consistent feelings and behaviours that they had before? That then when that character goes away again, you can't really remember how it felt to be that character?

It depends. I've had times when I reread a book or play a game for the second time and have that character come out again, but generally characters don't 'just' come out for no particular reason. When a character goes away again, I can still remember how it felt to be that character, but I no longer have the same motivations, so I often feel extremely stupid afterwards.

salted lipstick wrote:Obviously it's good to get a professional to be able to diagnose you of course and we can't do any of that here but I think it might help you to be talking here because you will become more familiar with describing your symptoms and will gain a better handle on the extent of your symptoms and how to describe them. This will help you if you decide to go back to a professional at some stage because you will have more idea about how to talk about the problem so that they are able to understand enough to be able to help you.

Thank you. I hope so, too.

When you are being the character, do you still have an awareness of who you usually are? Can you recognise at the time that the character is not your actual true reality of who you are?

This sounds like a fairly unusual problem...

What types of disorders have you looked into so far that you have related to (even if it was only a little bit)?

salted lipstick wrote:When you are being the character, do you still have an awareness of who you usually are? Can you recognise at the time that the character is not your actual true reality of who you are?

Not quite. I *am* aware that certain personality traits are caused by taking over those of (fictional) characters, but I can't quite figure out what my real personality is supposed to be like. To be completely honest, since I've been so many different personalities, I don't really know whether I *have* a true personality.

salted lipstick wrote:What types of disorders have you looked into so far that you have related to (even if it was only a little bit)?

I used to think it might be DID, Bipolar or Borderline. None of them seem to fit, though. Although DID is about different personalities, I was always under the impression that it concerned multiple clear-defined ones (I might be wrong here). I, personally, don't really have a specific set of personalities to 'choose' from, I get new ones all the time. Bipolar and borderline seemed like a good fit because of the unpredictability, but none of them have much to do with different personalities.

My best bet right now, for what it's worth (and don't laugh at me), is that I may be unconsciously doing this because I like the circumstances these characters end up with, or because I'm not really sure what direction to choose for my own life. But, well, it seems like an unusual reaction to this problem. (Also, it remains to be determined whether I'm having so many personalities because of these problems, OR I'm having these problems because of all the personalities. Both seem equally likely to me.)

I apologize for double posting, but I just thought of a few things that may be relevant, and may be able to, well, give you people a few more things to be able to figure out what's wrong with me.

My roommate just mentioned that I've not been doing anything very 'social' for the last year and a half, and he's right. I've dropped out of college more than a year ago, and since then I've never really been to any social events or anything. I've seen some friends a couple of times (once every few months or so), but other than my roommates and the people I meet when I go shop for food I haven't really met anyone. On the one hand, this doesn't really bother me. I've had times where I could be alone for months and was feeling, well, alright, I guess. On the other hand, I've also had plenty of times where this loneliness caused me to almost lose my mind. It's not as if I don't have social skills or anything, but I just can't be bothered to find people to contact with, and, you know, maybe form some sort of relationship. Maybe I'm just afraid the pain would hurt too much if things don't work out, I don't know.

So, uhm, maybe this helps a bit?

Hun, of course no one can diagnose here on the forum. You may have become reclusive, if this is out of character for you, because of depression, and it's important to speak to your doctor about this. Depression isn't always manifested by a feeling of sadness. It can also manifest by feelings of lethargy, apathy and a reluctance to engage with people.

The lack of a feeling of identity could be due to events that have happened in your childhood, in which you may have had to compromise who you REALLY are in order to fit in and please your parents, siblings or peers. These feelings and maladaptive ways of acting can then become ingrained in a person's personality, and with the help of therapy, and challenging the negative assumptions and patterns, a person can eventually discover who they really are, who they would have been if the events in childhood hadn't happened. You don't have to have been "abused" in the obvious sense in order for maladaptive thinking patterns to occur. Deaths in the family, divorces, moving house, bullying, feeling left out or unheard etc can all have an impact. I heard of a person who developed full blown HPD, not because of abuse, but because he was the middle child in a family of nine children, and as such, never got heard and often felt as if he was overlooked. He developed an attention seeking disorder in order to "compensate"

Please speak with a doctor for the depression, and a therapist for the identity issues.

I think you are doing a really good job in talking about what is going on for you and working on trying to explain it. It sounds like this stuff is really effecting you, especially if it's meaning you've become a bit socially withdrawn. I think it would be worth you trying to continue to seek help from a therapist until you can find someone who you feel can help you, especially if it might be depression that has caused you to become more socially withdrawn...

ALOQ wrote:I used to think it might be DID, Bipolar or Borderline. None of them seem to fit, though. Although DID is about different personalities, I was always under the impression that it concerned multiple clear-defined ones (I might be wrong here).

I think in DID it can seem a bit not-clearly defined once you are no longer "in" the different personality, but instead viewing it from your normal state. I reckon you could come to the DID forum and ask about this if you want to, I think there will be different opinions from everyone on how clearly defined everyone perceives their personalities once those personalities are not "out". Even if DID isn't the forum where you ultimately belong, at least you will have some people to talk to who might be able to relate to you a little better than here.

Obviously no-one can diagnose you here, but you may as well have a look around the different sections of the forum and feel free to talk and read where ever you feel might be helpful to you. I think that at the very least, opening up about your problems will help you to be able to better get used to describing what is going on for you and this will help if you decide to seek professional help again...