At an impasse (or whatever that saying goes)

Umm well everyone, I'm Sam and I'm 21 yrs old.

I recently got my two year degree in community college but I'm so afraid to move onto the next level. My only and best friend got sent to prison for 2.5 years. My dad had a stroke and it just bothered me cause I'm afraid it will happen to me and...I'm afraid I'll end up like him and push people away my entire life and not build any relationships and rely on somebody else to take care of me.

I'm really shy around other people and I cry a lot...I'm very sensitive for a guy. I'm also gay and I feel rejected by other gay men 'cause ...they want somebody butch or whatever and that's just not me. I'm too scared to do much of anything, I've been housebound for two weeks now. I know, it's really bad.

I'm going to talk to somebody in real life soon, I have to...I don't know what else to do. I feel just so full of fear. I never got my driver's license and well...I'm so afraid of being independent and being in control of something. I've been passive for as long as I can remember...and the only thing that really gave me happniess was joking around with my best friend but she's gone now and well. I'm just so sad and I feel hopeless.

I tried group therapy before but it didn't help at all 'cause nobody had my same problem and they couldn't relate they'd just give me weird looks. I really need some good one on one help...I just feel so conflicting and negative right now.

I don't feel suicdial and I'm still eating okay. I just...I'm totally stuck right now.

Anyway thanks for listening. I'm really interested in psychology. I know I have to change my thinking and values to really beat this thing not just my behavior. Sometimes I'll 'conquer my fears' but I'll just go through the motions with it. I really want to get rid of this problem for good but I know it will take a lot of hard work. I think it all started when I was a very small child and I was instantly shot down and rejected by my peers ever since kindgergarten.

It was like I was so afraid I wasn't going to fit in and my fear happened. I wasn't really shy or afraid then I don't think...I was so full of life and happiness. Then...I 'cause I just allowed people to crush my spirits, I don't know...I was just a boy then so maybe I should forgive myself. I really want to feel like a 'man' though I mean this can't continue for a long time.

Anyway, so yeah...I don't think I EVER got over being bullied at high school. It's like still with me...I still think I'm going to be that hurt and afraid little boy I was in social situations. I need professional help, everytime I try to talk to other people around here they'll just say 'get over it.'

BTW if anybody knows any good pyschologists or helpy-type people in the downriver Michigan area that specializes in my types of problems please let me know. I really am scared about getting help but I know I need to do it.

I wish I knew someone in that area, but no luck, Im in Georgia. Try calling your local public mental health for a start. Good luck, you sound like a good guy.