my masks

i hide behide masks to cope with my depression , on the outside i keep the smiles going , but on the inside im wanting to srceam at the top of my voice " someone talk to me , help me " my depression started when my girlfriend finished with me via text message, to say i lost it would be a under statement. my head was spinning and i wanted to die... i was in work at the time and had just had a crash on my bike a few days before, so i had pain killers in my locker........ i took the lot..... ended up in hospital for 2 days .
some days i wish that i had not made it through . i have tried a couple of times since ,but im still here... my life just seems pointless.
people tell me that these feelings will pass , but when.... untill that day comes i will be hiding behind my masks

When did your girlfriend leave you? If it was within a few months ago then I guess you're going through the 'grieving process' (don't know what they call the process for a relationship, it probably feels like grieving though). If not, maybe it's become something worse. I sympathise either way, knowing it will pass doesn't make it any easier at the time, I'd imagine.

Either way though, you have obviously taken it very hard and no-one around you understands just how much it's hurt you. If it's any comfort, you're not alone there. It seems most people who become depressed to such an extent desperately need help, but no-one notices. Maybe it's hard for people to face up to the fact that it happens to people they know, not just people in magazines or on TV.

Could you go to a doc and ask for help? Counselling or anti-depressants might help ease the pain.

I would definitely seek some counseling, at least for the short term. There is nothing wrong with getting some professional help when traumatic things happen in your life. If you are sick you see a doctor, right? When things are unbalanced in your mental world, see a couselor or psychologist...especially if you have felt rotten enough to even think about suicide. A breakup is definitely the same as losing someone in death..you are grieving the death of the relationship. Find a good friend or family member too for support...or get on these boards more. There is help out there if you just reach out and don't give up.

thank you for your words it is nice to just talk to someone!
i have tried to talk to family members but they are not interested they have there own problems. my girlfriend dumped me back in july and im still hurting.
it does feel like iv lost a loved one to death, but sa i see her in the street everyday its worse
i have tried to kill myself twice more since i posted this tread , but as im so stupid i have failed.
i had a apointment with a cpn , she thinks im on the wrong meds , so they are changing them in the new year ( if i make it that far )
but again thanx for your words of support xxxxx

Come on, now. There is NO ONE who is worth killing yourself over. It's a long-term solution to a short-term problem. You have to think of all the other people who would be hurt if you did succeed. Whether you think so or not, there are lots of people who would feel really awful if you actually manage to do that (some of us right here on this board as a matter of fact ). And you won't be around for that special person whom you will meet someday who will REALLY love you for you. Hang in there....things really will get better.

i do hear what your saying but i just feel this is my only way out iv tried living a lie and i got hurt. i dont want to get hurt again.
the people that i will leave behind will survive just as well if not better without me.
i havent been the best dad or husband and they have a right to be happy , and if im around they are never going to be.

I know how you feel, man, I hit a low like that myself last night. I really hate feeling that bad. But even so, it's not really the answer. I don't know sometimes what the answer is myself, but I do know that if you don't give up and just keep on going, this too will pass. If you have been living a lie, learn to live the truth. First you have to figure out what your truth is. You can't do that if your dead. And the trauma to your family if you die by your own hand will curse them the rest of their lives.

thanks again devanna you seem to understand some of what im going through , today has been a good day .... (i dont get many)
your words are helping me, i just hope me troubles arent making you worse

have you read my poems ?? they are a bit dark but they are from my heart.

No, your aren't making my troubles any worse. It's always nice to have someone to talk to, even if it's just on a forum. I am struggling myself with a depression caused by all my husband's BS. I too have been thinking about my past and how much I wish I could have done so many things differently...been a better mother to my kids, been a better daughter to my dad ( who nearly died last weekend, and then with the stuff my husband did Monday night, well, that was just too much). I look back and have done so many stupid, thoughtless and selfish things in my life. But you know , everyone has. Hopefully we recognize them and then stop that kind of behavior in the future. Unfortuantely, changing our own behavior has to be one of the hardest things in the world to do. Most of us would rather turn our focus out and try to change the people around us, which of course never works. I just makes more problems. I have a poem over there , too. I may post one or two more that I have written since all this BS started. They are dark, too. SOmetimes it helps just to express yourself that way. Hang in there, friend.

my ex dumped me almost a year ago to this date (15 days to go) and i am not over him yet i just feel so crap without him and its not helping that he is talking to me about his gf and his problems as they have been arguing, all i want to say is "leave her, take me back!" but i know then he would never want to talk to me again and a life without kris is not worth the hassle of living. I just really miss him!