where do I go from here

Hi there, i am new to all this and have been reading lots of stuff that I can relate to and was hoping someone might have some advice for my situation.
I am a 39 year old guy, married for six years with two small kids and my own business, so my problems havent stopped me from getting to this point...its just I need to know why for the past ten years or so certain chain of events have happened.
I was a recreational drug user for about 10 years, through the late eighties and the crazy acid house 90's, and as a result had some dealings with paranoia and low self esteem, but it seems i have been pushing self destruct buttons over this period. I am convinced people dont like me and only put up with me, so as not to hurt other people around me (if that makes sense!)
I have lost a number of close friendships over the years that have I have let just drift as I wonder why they would want to be friends with me, and these are with people I really love. It seems the further they are away and the less I have to do with them the better I feel, I know this cannot be right.
The problem now is that I now think my wife has had enough of me and is now wondering why she married me in the first place. Over the last 10 years I have always been able to deal with these situations when they arise and move on, but now..with 2 kids the who scenario is different and I feel I need someone to say..."yeah, you know I understand you have.........."
My family and our lives together mean everything to me, but it seems I am determined to ruin it one way or another! Please help

ok, people probably form friendships because *they* get something out of it, and they maintain them because each person has an emotional investment in them.

If you have doubts about your friendships, or they have questions about you or don't understand you, then you will probably lose those friendships.

Some people, if they sense you might be having problems, will make it a point to stay away from you, because they don't want to have to make such a large investment of their time if they started offering help. I'm guessing that that keeps most people away.

Your drug use, that did not help you, what goes up, must eventually come down, and I think you can wear your body and mind out from them. The paranoia and nervousness are probably caused by the long term effects of cocaine, or whatever it was you were on.

You say you want to value your family. I think the thing you need to do is to go to a doctor, a therapist, and start working on things.
I'm sure you probably won't enjoy it at first. Most people don't like to receive help, it's humbling, and temporarily kills self-esteem.
If you force yourself to do it and make a good effort, your wife might see you are serious and are willing to take concrete actions to prevent problems down the road, and improve family life.

A good doctor will have seen hundreds or thousands of people in similar situations to yours, and they know what works and what doesn't, and what might make things worse. If you're in a hole, first thing: stop digging.

Thanks for replying to my post, I appreciate it...I tried my GP of twenty years, and explained the situation to him, but he thought I needed drug councelling. He gave me numbers to call, when I called them they all wanted to what drugs I took and how much. When I told them I didnt have a drug habit it was sort of like well why are you calling us then?
Maybe I should source some councilling privately?
I would really like to put this problem behind me so that it doesnt take over my life completely.