First time poster&reader ~ A letter of frustration and hopes

Hey, just thought I would post a litte note here. I have been diagnosed with borderling personality disorder, and I have recently ended a 4 month treatment program and I am now currently in a follow up group therapy that is a hour an a half each week.

I am sick of feeling all so insecure about life and all. Seems I never get to talk to people like I "want to". I feel a need to discuss how I am, how I feel, and what I am thinking wich is directly related to my "condition". All I am able to, unfortunatly is to talk jibberish with others, and even with my girlfriend I no longer feel I can talk heart2heart with about how I am doing... I feel as long as I talk about myself I am only whimpering...but I really have a need to do this.. My girlfriend has many times assured me that she is ok with my talking about myself and my troubles..but I can`t allow myself to open up like I need/want to. I take it so far, but no further.

I truly hope that this forum can help me, by getting me intouch with others with similar issues.

Through therapy, one thing I have experienced, is that the more open one can be about ones problemes..and the greater one dares to show ones vulnerability the greater the gain through connecting with others, respect for and from other people generally, and a positive self awarness and confidence... but getting across barriers like social anxiaty and the "Superman" complex (nothing is wrong with my, I shall hide my inner feelings and only show a strong, worry-free apperance) is though my dear fellow readers...

I have now almost 2 years of trying and failing behind me, but still I am battling these same barrieres...goes fine for a little while, but as soon as I am free of myself, I get trapped again.

Often considered taken medication, in the hope of getting a rest for all my worries and troubles, maybe they would make my life a happier one...making me more positive perhaps and not over analyzing everyone and everthing (also a strike of paranoia here). But I am, so far, resisting the urge and are following a Docters advice that through group therapy I shall find the same salvation..

Even considered religion as an escape...I mean imagine living all your worries to a higher power, like Jesus if that is your cup of tea. But I am not a religious type, even though I am slighty superstitious and do belive there is a higher power...I have just choosen to belive that we are only as great as we allow ourselfes to be..and there will be no rescue if you decide to not give a flying f**k about what you are going to do about your life, and the direction you whish to go. You reap what you sow is a good saying here.

Jealousy drives me mad..I am unable to trust my girlfriend also. Need reassures that she will not be unfaithfull, that she only has a certain contact with men that does not threaten our relationship..but how do I define that..is a friendly kiss on the cheek, a warm hug..a "I care for you" by sms a threat?? I do have a sense of reality ofcourse, but this examples and more really bug me and in the end always end up by getting me and my loved one in a fight. This saddens me...I only wish for us to be happy and in addition to be a happy couple also have succsessfull relationships with other as friends. A bird held thight is more likely to fly away given the oppertunity, then a bird held freely is another good saying here.

Work.. I got canned a year and a half ago because of downsizing, this was the second time in two years and hit me hard..since then I have been unemployed, then on sickleave and I am still sitting on the fence waiting for better times... I recently wrote a few half-hearted job applications, and hope that maybe a new job will sort me out, but I have my strong doubts. Time will tell...I really am anxious about what the h*ll I am going to tell an interviewer about what I have been up to these last months.." well, actually..you see..hm-hm..I got stuck in a hole, and havent been able before now to start digging my way out..." :-S Wow, now that will really impress him/her and the will die to give me a job...

I sincerly hope that through this forum I can mees similiar people, and be able to vent a bit her without anyone feeling irritated or otherwise provoked by my post. I am not usally a whimping bastard, but sometimes life gets a little bit tough even for me, and eventhough there might not be any nearby logic reason for it. I am just me, and trying to make the best of what I can.

...I`ll stop here..I became a lot more than that little note I started out to write...but I would really enjoy reading any replies. Please share your stories with me, comment mine or just rant out any frustration you might have.. or hopes and what has helped you conquer yourself and you fears.


Best regards,

Your 'note' touched me immensely. It is amazing that you had the courage to submit the things you did, and at the risk of sounding sexist: especially as you're male. As a deeply caring female, I often wonder how guys cope with things. My brother, father, and male friends have given me some insight into this, and it seems that it's just not the done thing to break out of your 'macho' fascade and vent a little. It's lucky technology's more advanced these days, I guess, to allow the opportunities to do so anonymously.
You may be surprised how much 'whimpering' people, especially women, can take. Don't be afraid to speak up about what's in your heart. You will only ever gain respect for doing this...and only from people who are worth gaining it from.
While men may take out their frustrations on the sports field, females tend to talk more. Do talk to your girlfriend, especially about the things you're most concerned with. It is VERY therapeutic to talk with people, but as you touched on, it is hard to find the balance between complaining too much, and letting go of your inhibitions in order to let other people relate to you and your world.
I don't know whether there is a higher power or not, but up until now, I've found more peace and understanding of the world when I believe than when I don't. Even if there isn't a God; if praying is nothing more than talking to yourself; I believe it can still help, because you're, to some extent, meditating, saying affirmations, and focussing on what your troubles really are (you can't find answers if you don't know the questions). So my point is - if it gets you through the night, it's alright.
As for the jealousy thing....wow. Hits me where it hurts. I found my ex BF cheating on me. Not the nicest thing. But after a year or two, my forgiveness and continuation of that friendship led to us trying again. The second time, he was almost more faithful than is humanly possible. Wouldn't even talk to a female without my permission. (Okay, maybe that's a slight exaggeration, but not much!) My point...(I am getting there!) I ended up being so insecure, DESPITE all these obvious signs that he was devoted to me.
We only argued once. And do you know what it was about? He thought I was being too flirty with other guys. I blatantly refused to agree with him. But after he left my house that day, I strained my brain, and saw it from his eyes, then again through mine. I asked myself...if he was acting with females how I've been acting around males, how would I feel? And it made me realise that I was, in fact, flirting...but only when he was around! I was so scared that he didn't love me, that I thought by making him jealous, it may make him like me more. That day taught me that it doesn't.
So don't give her the same treatment back. The best way to make someone love you is to do things YOU enjoy, that would still remain the same with or without her...don't rely on her to be the only good thing in your life. Once you enjoy your life more, she will do anything to make certain she doesn't lose you...and if it doesn't work out for you both...it'll be because the real you doesn't bond with the real her...not because of insecurities and lack of communication.
I am actually in the same boat in regards to your work situation at the moment. But it's not that I (and you, too, I'm sure) am incapable of most jobs, it's more the fact that I don't know what it is I really want to dive into. Work, study, travel, etc. Which does tend to make other issues in your life harder to deal with...it's harder to relax and enjoy pleasurable things when you're constantly worried about where you're headed. And it gives you more time to get lost amongst your thoughts and fears.
Anyway, I'm sure there is something special just around the corner for both of us. All we have to do is turn the steering wheel slowly and steadily, and avoid as many bumps as we can along the way. Good luck. And stay cool.



P.S. Sorry for my lengthy 'note'. Maybe we could invent a new disorder to diagnose ourselves with....finger diarrhoea? LOL!

I am glad you took the time to read, and post a reply here. Makes me somehow feel less alone... I can relate to your posting alot, and thank you for some good tips. Writing this post I recived a call from a job I have applied to...they asked what I have been up to since my last job a year and a half ago...told them I have been to group therapy..but am now willing an eable to get back in the workforce...his responce was "we`ll get back to you"..Strike 1? Ahwell, what is meant to be...is.

Hi again, Chiller! You may find this hard to comprehend, but I actually find it therapeutic to worry about someone else for a change. I would be thrilled if any of my ramblings ever helped anyone even a minuscule!

By the way, CONGRATULATIONS! I don't know what the situation is like where you come from, but I know that in my town, it's literally a full-time job for months to even be granted an interview! No wonder people become half-hearted with job applications!

About your 'group therapy' response. You seem highly intelligent and quite capable of working out an appropriate action plan yourself. However, my finger-diarrhoea disorder compels me to comment, so take it or leave it, (obviously!)

If you're anything like me, you regard honesty as one of life's most important values. However, occasionally the only way of getting ahead is to 'bend the truth a little'. As I said earlier, I don't know what it's like where you are, (I'm from Australia myself) so it's hard to know just what obstacles you are facing, exactly.

Over here, I'm pretty certain that prospective employers are unable to access your medical/psych files. If I were forced to explain what I'd been doing over a certain period of time, (a year and a half is quite a challenge though, I agree) I would probably consider the following options, which I shall ask of you:

Have you done much travelling? Often this is an exceptional time-filler, as employers love people who have 'broadened their horizons'.

Have you done any courses/picked up any new skills during this time?

Do you have a close friend/relative that would be a willing referee to say that you'd helped them out in their store/on their farm, etc?

Please don't get me wrong - I am not telling you to pull something out of thin air. Remember that they may be intrigued, and want to know more. And also, if you get the job, you will be forced to live out that lie for the entirety of the position. So the closer to reality, the better.

Above all, you need to believe in yourself. I know this becomes increasingly harder as time goes on, but confidence wins out in the majority of cases. Confront each job as though YOU are the BEST person for that job. And if you aren't hired, then THEY are the ones who are missing out.

Anyway, I hope things work out for you... And remember; although it may feel like it at times, you are NEVER alone! There are plenty of people who care about you, believe in you, and are praying for you. G'Luck with everything.

Again, thank you RainingBow for your reply and your insights. I guess I was kind of prepared for questions about my leave of absence for the work force...but not nearly good enough.

A big part of my rut..is that I do have difficulty admitting to myself that I do in fact have a problem in the way I am currently handeling my life. So instead of faceing my problems head on.. I tend to pretend things are really ok... and that reality is something that it is not. I need to come to terms with in fact being unemployed, and that I have actually been in treatment for my mental state.

If I was in fact so honest with myself, I think that I would`nt be so intimitaded by others remarks and thoughts about me "if the only knew".. that meaning I am keen to hide the fact that I have been in treatment, and that I only have taken a "breather"... my girlfriend is well aware of my treatment, and a few close friends...(this was a necessity..if I wanted to have any kind of contact with them during this time, and had nothing to do with the fact that I wanted to tell them... I mean, what could I talk about each time they would ask "what you been up to then"...) Being ashamed has also made it very difficult to maintain any kind of social network...and has made my isolation even greater than it has been. My parents and siblings also being unaware of what has been going on...

Fortunatly I do have a great girlfriend, and have had good help and support from her.. but this has also been a strain on our relationship.

I am thinking now that starting to be honest with myself, I would be more enabled to get that job that I would want... and be less worried about how to go around it... and get less picky about where I am actually going to start employment.

Discovering for a fact...that my self image has deteriorated because of what I consider being weakness is helping me accept my "faith" and try to embrace it and get going along with it, by doing the right things to get a good life going again, rather then hiding from it and staying right where I am.. I have met many others it similair situations, but still...ashamed to admit it..but I actually have felt better than many of them..and have jugded them the same way as I have jugded my self.. thinking to myself that they should get up and get on with there life..when I have been no better myself..and have in many cases a much easier "situation and background" then what many of them have endured.

..ranting on here (again)..but writing down my thoughts like this also helps my clear my head and get a good direction of where I want to go..I`ll give it a rest her

ps! Liked your signature "key in the bunch".. made me smile.

A BIG hello again, Mr. Chill. You are increasingly confirming my initial gut instincts, which told me you are a very intelligent and capable individual. Your girlfriend also sounds like a top chic. I have great respect for those who help others through hard patches.

Just a quick note on an earlier comment you made about 'resisting the urge' to take medication. I have always been sceptical about taking meds, as I often think that maybe it is our own 'fault' when we feel unhappy, and that we should just 'snap out of it', hold tightly to our ego and try sorting it out ourselves. But on the other hand, I think; well, why WOULDN'T anyone want to stop being unhappy!?! It's a constant battle with these thoughts, but I look at it this way;
Other people are required to have regular injections for diabetes, or are forced to wear glasses in order to see correctly. Why should it be any different to need meds in order to function properly when it comes to mental illnesses? And like all things in life; if it doesn't work (over the correct time span) then stop! And if it helps even a bit, what's the harm?
You didn't actually say your doctor didn't advise you not to take them, but if they think group therapy alone is sufficient for you, then maybe they're right...or maybe you should get a 2nd opinion? Do you see a therapist, or just a GP? Maybe that’s another option worth checking out. I think you may find it beneficial to vent to someone who is more qualified to help you. (But don't stop venting on this site, by any means!)

I know EXACTLY how you feel when you say you are ashamed when confronted with the 'what have you been up to?' question. It is not that people want to intimidate you or judge you; it is because (unfortunately for us) most conversations revolve around, or at least start, with details of our current life. That's why mental illnesses can be extremely tough...you are, in a way, limited to talking about your past and future. And that’s where it’s difficult to dwell for any length of time.

Please don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re obviously going through a rough patch. I’m praying for you buddy, and I’ll leave you with this thought;

If you’re going through hell……DON’T STOP!!!

Spot on when you say I am going through a tough spot... and I will take your advice to not stop while I am going through my own personal trials....

I really appreciate the reply`s. Right now I am a little short of time, but I hope I can get back to this forum shortly. Seems to be a lot of usefull information and many people how dont seem very content with what is going on in there life, and this I can relate to...

..for a later time. G`bye and thank your for your prays