struggling

by **quiet-loner** » Mon Oct 17, 2005 1:25 pm

Guest wrote:Avoiding anything that cause's you unhealthy stress is a wise thing to do. When change is the cause of unhealthy stress it is usually because the change is out of your control, others are imposing the change. The best thing to do is ensure that YOU control the change.

Example, turn your back on them and walk. Change your life to what’s comfortable for you, to hell with anything that causes unhealthy stress.

Running away from stressful situations is counterproductive in the long term. You can run but you can't hide forever. Whatever you do in life you will be confronted with stressful situations which are beyond your control.
If you payed any attention in biology you will realise that throughout history it was the human ability to adapt to changes which allowed us to survive as a species. Those species which failed to adapt to stressful changes became extinct
We have an innate ability to adapt and cope with almost anything life throws at us but it takes practice to develop this ability to it's fullest potential.
This is where our childhood plays an important role. It is as a child and a young adult that we learn to face stressful situations and deal with them succesfully. Stress only becomes unhealthy if we do not have the skills necessary to cope with it.
If, as you suggest, we learn only to run away and hide we will never be able to learn the coping strategies to deal succesfully with the stresses that adult life will inevitabley throw at us.

Run/walk, whats the difference? Either way you aren't facing your problems. O.k. there may be times when leaving a bad situation is the smart thing to do but leaving is also a stressful change. What do you do then?
It's not being able to deal with change that makes people afraid to take chances and face life head on. Quiet-loner is right, you have to learn to face your fears and the best time to do that is while you are young and you have your families support for those times when you get it wrong. For everyone there will come a point when you have to make your own decisions and if you haven't learned how to confront tough choices you will suffer for your indecision.

by **Guest** » Tue Oct 18, 2005 1:36 pm

Developing skills in avoiding crap can give you a great edge on the rest of the population. While they are "facing their problems" your off having a ball and doing what you want to do.

Lifes to short to fill it up with futile dealings with problems.

Nietzsche actively and deliberately did not react to the crap you advocate should be reacted to.

Avoiding crap/stress and living well is a great revenge.

All I'm saying is element is a free human being and her choices and feelings are as legitimate as anyone elses. Element, live life on your terms, don't feel bad about walking away, if it feels wrong avoid it. Theres plenty more fish in the ocean.

And somebody's aliase's are very obvious!

by **Angel** » Tue Oct 18, 2005 5:09 pm

I guess every situation deemed "stressful" needs to be weighed. It isn't necessarily as cut and dry as walking or running away and not facing fears, etc. I think there are right times to face things and other times where depending on what the situation is....I think sometimes knowing when to walk away IS dealing w/ the situation. Some situations are left unconfronted....you only create more havok and stress for yourself.

for example.....I have so much HATE for my brothers and their wives. One could argue that I'm running from the sitaution because I don't sit down and talk things through w/ the 4 of them...get all touchy feeling and lay myself on the line w/ them. However, my just choosing to avoid them actually makes my situation better for me. There is no resolve between my brothers and I...and no...there won't be if I choose to walk away from that particular problem in my life. However....I recognize the situation w/ my brothers for what it is. I know them well enough to know that if I tried to sit down w/ them....they simply are not ever going to see their faults in the situation and change won't come forth. I will end up walking away w/ the current hurts as well as now having to take on new hurts from them. I know that in this situation....it's best for me to come to terms w/ my anger and feelings about them on my own. Accept the sitaution for what it is, grieve it for what it is, and move on. That is my positive way of dealing w/ it...as opposed to letting the anger fester, etc. and bring me down further. I don't necessarily have to deal w/ them head on to deal w/ my problem. W/ my brothers and that situation.....yep...it's best and a healthier option for me to "walk away". That doesn't mean I do this w/ all situations. part of all this is knowing when it's best to face something and get it out in the open and stand up for yourself....and when to let things go and move on. Moving on doesn't have to be flat out walking away from or avoiding problems. I just don't see it as that cut and dry.

........not that I think you need to change your opinion here and agree w/ me....it's just my take is all.

by **Guest** » Tue Oct 18, 2005 11:24 pm

One size does not fit all.

If I had stayed put in my twenties and faced up to my problems I would never have known recovery and happiness.

What I learnt by walking away from dysfunctional relationships, family, school and job is that it's much better to look into a smiling face then looking into the face of condemnation.

If it's your thing to stay in a miserable social environment because it is teaching you, what you perceive is a valuable life lesson, then go for it and good luck. I got better things to do. :wink:

I don't think advising people that staying in a horrible situation is a norm that must be adhered to be correct. Some people are into s sadomasochistic sex ??? They get off on pain. That isn’t my bag either. :lol:

by **element** » Wed Oct 19, 2005 8:57 pm

I don't think you guys are trying to give me advice with all of these posts anymore. lol

But that's okay with me. Please just don't make this a huge arguement though. And if you want to know what advice I'm going to listen to or what I think I should listen to, it's this. I'm going to try to learn to deal wtih my stressfull "issues" and if there's something stressful that I can avoid without any problems then I probably will. LIke for instance, I play piano for the junior chior at my church. I rarely ahve time for that, and it's taking my family time and study time away on wednesdays, so I may quit doing it. My church has several piano players and I'm sure they could replace me without any problems. ANd it would help me to have a little bit more time and it would help me to be able to relax a little more.

by **element** » Thu Nov 03, 2005 2:22 am

I typed this yesterday:

I'm so upset I can't stand it!! I had to teach piano tonight, and the place is about 30 minutes from my house. So I go to the car, and my sister's in the front seat, so I got in the back and realized that the seat belt was messed up and I couldn't get it out. We spent about 20-30 minutes trying to get it out. My mom kept saying in a mean voice that we'd just have to go home without it, and I kept telling her that I wouldn't do that, and she kept screaming that we'd do what she said. And Finally she made us get in the car so she could drive home with me in the back seat with no seat belt. Well, I've been in two wrecks in 6 months, and I'm scared. So I started crying and she kept screaming at us and she kept screaming at me to shut up which just made it worse. And she kept screaming at my sister. And my sister got mad and was yelling back, and my mom told her that she was gonna beat the fool at of her, and she kept saying she'd beat her or knock her teeth out of her face, and I know she'd never do it, but it was awful. And she kept screaming and I was so upset and I was just crying and she wouldn't stop screaming, and I was scared to death that we'd be in a car accident. And now we just got home, and she called us in the living room and she told us that we deserved to be chewed out and she screamed at us some more, and told me that I bettter not ever cry like that again, and she told my sister that she better not ever be disrespectful again. She scared me today. I've never been that scared of my mom. But she really scared me. I was scared she might her my sister, even though she never has before. She looked so mean and scary. And then she told us "I love ya'll", I just mumbled "i love you 2". I surely didn't feel loved. I felt like she hated me. I kept asking her to just call someone to come and get us, but she wouldn't. She tried my dad but couldn't get him. And she woldn't call my other sister because she didn't want to bother her. Tonight has sucked so bad. I feel so awful, I just want to die or I just wanna wake up and find out that I was just dreaming it. I'm so upset, I want my daddy. I want my daddy so bad. And I want my mommy, not this thing that she was tonight. I wish my daddy was hear to hug me and tell me it's okay, but he's gone to his band's practice. I probably won't be able to post this until tomorrow 'cuz I'm way to scared to ask to get on the internet. I have to go and do my homework. Good night.

~element

I'm feeling mostly better now. I feel bad for making my mom upset, adn I got fussed at alot more and I cried a lot more, and I had a bad day at school which involved a lot of crying, but I'm finally about to be through with this one I think. I'm just worried about what's gonna happen next. something else will happen most likely. I really am working on making things better, but it's just not working very well for me.I just need everyone's support and prayers right now, if you guys don't mind. life is like really stressful for me right now.

~element

by **quiet-loner** » Thu Nov 03, 2005 2:30 pm

Element, I think your mother was seriously out of line on this one. She shouldn't have made you travel in a car without wearing a seatbelt. As you know from recent experience accidents do happen and she shouldn't have put you at risk in this way.

I wouldn't be too harsh on her for losing her temper though. We are all human and even the most loving parent can snap occasionally (as long as it is only occasionally).

You are right to say that something else will probably happen but there is no reason why it will be bad as there is an equal chance that something good will happen.
Life is about dealing with things as they arise and there is little point worrying about what might happen in the future. You just have to deal with things one day at a time.

struggling

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