struggling

Hi everyone. You know how I told you that I'd be starting public school? Well, I started it yesterday. First day in a real school ever, and I hated it!! Of course it was the first day and things may get a lot better, but I really hated it. I'm not just here to complain though. I want to ask for advice.

Yeah. I really hope school gets better soon.I cried about last night, in my bed, before I went to sleep. I want to go to school, but I just don't like it very much. There are just sooo many people, I can't stand it. I hate for anyone to touch me and there are all sorts of people running into me and everything. When i got out of homeroom, the hallway was full, and it was scary. I hate being around that many people!! And I'm scared to death that I'll do something wrong. Some of it is just irrational fears, but i can't seem to get over them. I've had that problem for a long time. Like when I go into a public restroom, I look at the sign on the door way more times than is necessarry, because I'm so scared of going into the wrong bathroom. It's crazy!! I've always had this problem where I have to not just double check things but check them over and over again. I used to keep checking my tests to make sure I put my name on them correctly. I would keep looking at certain questions to make sure the answer was right, even though I just checked them two seconds ago. I keep checking my alarm clock over and over to make sure it's right. I just can't hardly take school!! This is overwhelming to me. I hate being around that many people, and I hate worrying so much.

And they have this stupid rule that you can't leave class to go to the bathroom, 'cept maybe once or twice per class, per somester. It's crazy!!! That bothers me. Because even if I don't have to go to the bathroom, sometimes something's bothering me, and I really want to just go away to be by myself for a minute and calm down. And I don't want to use the bathroom in between classes because I'm scared to death of being late for a class. It's all scary and overwhelming to me!! I just want to cry. This is so hard for me!!! And I'm about to have to start teaching piano and continueing my own lessons after labor day. And that will add even more stress. On mondays, I'll most likely have to leave right after school, like RIGHT AFTER, and then I want get home 'til 8:30 or later to do my homework, which equals like no computer that day. And tuesdays will be bad too. And wednesdays, I have to go play the piano at church for the junior chior. And I have thursday through saturday, and then sunday I have to play in the mornings and go to church and everything. it's just so much!! I can hardly take the stress of one day at school, with hardly anything to do after, and no homework; so how the heck am i supposed to take that much stress?

It's just really overwhelming to me. My parents told me that if it gets a lot worse, then they can homeschool me again. But I really do want to go to school. I want to like it, but it's scary!!! I'm scared to death of doing something wrong. And even if I know in my head it's silly, I can't help it. It's just like when you're a little kid, and you know that when you turn out the light, nothing bad is going to happen, but you're still scared. Well even if I know that I'm not going to do certain things, it's still scary.

I know that I'll get used to some things and maybe everything at school. After all, I've only been one day. But I was just wondering if anyone has any advice. I just want to be able to relax. But it's really scary. I'm scared to death to do anything wrong, and I"m scared of being with that many people. I hated it so much!!

~element

element,

That does sound horrible and scary.

I used to feel just like you when I was your age and had to do stuff like that.

Getting out of that stuff and living by my rules worked for me. I live in the mountains as a hermit. I spend 99.9% of the time by myself, it's bliss, I love it. I never picked myself as the hermit type when I was younger. Ive been a hermit for 10 years and I cant believe how peaceful it is. I'm lucky I can do this. I haven't had a job for 26 years, I've been on disability all that time. I hate crowds, I avoid them.

I can just empathise element.

Element, you are not the only one there who will be feeling like this. Everybody else is feeling the same thing to a greater or lesser degree. I'll let you in a secret, adults all feel the same way too! We all go through life with some degree of anxiety about fitting in or looking foolish.
If you are having serious problems coping there will probably be a teacher you can talk too about your worries. Don't be embarassed to ask them for help as they will have heard it all before.
It does sound as though you may be taking on a little too much all at once though, so if you really start to struggle don't be afraid to cut back on some of your other commitments. Everybody understands that school involves a lot of time and effort, so nobody will mind letting you prioritize your schoolwork over other activities. The people who count will even respect you for having the sense to know where your priorities should be!

Dear Guest,
Thanx for the thought, and I"m glad you've found peace, but I relaly don't want to be a hermit. Maybe I do want to be an outcast who everyone calls anti-social. Well, no I don't want to be that either, but my point is, maybe I don't really want friends right now, at least not those kids. But I do want to learn to deal with being in situations like this. I don't want to run away from it, unless I end up needing to. It's just really hard right now.

Quiet-loner,
Thanx so much for the encouragement!! I think this is somewhat harder for me than for everyone else, because I'm totally new to school. I was homeschooled up until this point, and it's really hard. Even now that I have a few people that I can talk to and sit with, it's still hard for me, because I hate crowds. Even if it's all nice people, I hate crowds. I get so nervous in them!!! But it would help some to have friends, I'm just not sure if I want to make friends with these people.


Well, today wasn't great either. SOme of it was okay, some of it was sort of good, and some of it just sucked!!! This morning, I got to school a little early, so we had to go to the gym. Everyone was sitting on the bleachers, and I felt really upset being around everyone, so I stood beside the bleachers. So then the rotc leader points at me and gives me a sign to "git over to the bleachers--yes g-i-t, git". So anyway. And he looked mad as heck!! So I went over and by the time I got ready to sit on the bleachers, they sent us out to first block. As I was walking back, I felt crowded and there were too many people and I wanted to scream or cry or pass out, but I kept going. So then I walked really fast to get away from the mass multitude of loud students, so I reached the A hall before anyone else. I got tears in my eyes becuase I felt so upset and overwhelmed with all of the people. So I went to the bathroom to wipe my eyes, and I stayed there for a minute. when I got out, there were still hardly any people in the hall, so I went and sat in my homeroom. second block rolled around pretty soon, and I am taking a weight lifting class. So we went to the gym first, and everyone had to be introduced to there new locks and codes and all. So the coach finally gave me mine and I took it in the locker room, but couldn't get it open. I took it back out to him, and he just did it and opened it, so then I took it back to the locker room but I still couldn't get it, and this other girl tried to help me with it, but I still couldn't get it. It was really old and about to fall apart, so she told me to go give it to him and he'd probably give me another. I went back out there and he just acted pissed of, and showed me again, which didn't really help me much. So I went back to the locker room and worked at the lock. Everyone else was done and had left, but I still couldn't get it. So I started crying, sitting there alone in the locker room. I was really upset, and I just wanted someone that I new to be there for me, and I was so upset. I just wanted to go home. So finally I got the lock, and then I changed my clothes and went out to the weight room. The excersize was extremely hard!! When i got done, I was having trouble breathing, and I was trying not to draw attention to myself, but my partner boy noticed and asked me if I smoke? I was like "no, I have asthma", but I dont' have it bad, I just couldn't breath very well. And I wanted some water, but they didnt' have any there for us. I felt like I was going to faint. It was really hard!!! I keep talking to my parents and people like that about it, and everyone just keeps saying things like "you'll make friends", or 'it'll get better", or "it isn't about making friends it's about getting an education". They're sympathetic but they don't quite understand. It isn't just about not being able to make friends!! I'm upset because I don't know anyone, yes, but I'm also upset about all of this anxiety that I'm dealing with. I'm upset about not knowing what to do half of the time. i'm upset about a lot of things. It's just scary and stressful to me. And I just feel so crowded and I hate crowds!! I feel like I can't breathe when I'm around all of those people. I hate to be touched and they all keep bumping into me. It's just scary and I don't like it. I really don't like being around a lot of people. I know people think I'm anti-social, but I can't help it. I wasn't raised around many people, of course neither was my sister, and she has no trouble with large groups of people, but I get so nervous and overwhelmed. I try to prevent it, but I just can't help it. I just want to dissapear when i'm around all of those people. Even if it is nice people that I know, I still don't like such large crowds.

I understand about some of that! Like I get nervous because they might not let us leave class for water or go to the bathroom...that's stressful for me. Same with tests and assemblies. But think about it, there's always an escape. No matter what.

maybe there is an escape, but I feel trapped. I think I can really relate to you with what you were going through at the movies and everything. I'm having some of the same problems. I just feel so upset and overwhlemed when I'm around a large amount of people. It scares me. I hate it!! I don't know why I hate it so much, but it just really bothers me to the point that I can hardly even deal with it at times.

Thanx Andrew.

How are you doing?

~element

element wrote:Well, today wasn't great either. Some of it was okay, some of it was sort of good, and some of it just sucked!!!

You've just described what life is like for everybody, Element!

What people are telling you about making friends taking time is true. I am as schizoid as a person can get, a total loner. I don't want people near me, I don't want to see them, talk to them or hear them but I still had a couple of friends at school.
It is inevitable that if you have to be around so many people you will pair up with a like-minded person. It's still early days in your school life but it will happen.
I wouldn't presume that after one or two days people have labeled you as anti-social. Unless you've got tattoos and facial piercings they probably just think you're a little shy. Anyway shyness can be quite endearing to some people, so don't worry about it!

I am glad to hear that you've taken up weight lifting. Getting physically stronger can only help improve your confidence but, like making friends, it will take a little time.
Don't worry about it being hard to start with. At first it's all about learning correct tecnique, strength and fitness comes later. It's like when you were learning the piano, you've got to get the basics right before you start on the tricky stuff!
Don't pay attention to what other people can lift, just concentrate on getting your tecnique correct from the start. The ones who can lift huge weights from the start always get sloppy in their lifts and injure themselves.
You should tell your coach if you have trouble breathing because of slight asthmatic problems. Weight lifting will help improve your breathing as it helps strengthen your diaphram, but your coach needs to know if you start having problems.
Also, when you discuss this with him ask if you can take a water bottle into class with you. I've always used a cyclists water bottle because they don't leak if you knock them over.

Anyway, I'm sure next week will be better as you start to get into the routine of school life.

element wrote:maybe there is an escape, but I feel trapped. I think I can really relate to you with what you were going through at the movies and everything. I'm having some of the same problems. I just feel so upset and overwhlemed when I'm around a large amount of people. It scares me. I hate it!! I don't know why I hate it so much, but it just really bothers me to the point that I can hardly even deal with it at times.

Thanx Andrew.

How are you doing?

~element

I'm getting better, I think. My psychologist is helping me, I'm letting my friends drive me around (before I was scared for no reason). I've also taken up weight lifting.

Thanx so much for taking time to encourage me and give me advice!!! I really do appreciate that!!

Yeah. i liked your name from the first time that I read it. Quiet loner--it sort of reminds me of myself at times. I'm not a big fan of people. I like some of them, but I just hate crowds and sometimes I don't want to be around anyone at all. People make me feel nervous and uncomfortable and overwhelmed and upset.

So far, I haven't found anyone that's much like me. I'm just so different than everyone else. I have met this one really sweet guy though. He's got a lot of problem, he's smoked since he was eleven, and he went to an alternative school for a while and he failed to grades, but he's really sweet!! Issues or none, he's a nice guy and I like him. He isn't so immature like the others, and he seems so sweet.

Unfortunately, I have had people ask me why I stand off to the side, and why I don't participate in optional group activities at camp and other places like that. And I did have a kid ask me if I was anti-social (not at school), I just want to scream. It isn't my faul thtat I'm not a big people person. Not everyone is a social butterfly. I guess I'm just a non-social worm hoping to evolve, but at the same time I don't want to be a big people person.

Yeah. We haven't actually started lifting weights yet, just a bunch of stretches and stuff to get us ready. I pulled something today and it hurts pretty bad. I have some back problems, but I don't have a doctor's excuse, so the coach doesn't really care. You have to have a doctor's excuse or no one gives a rip. My abs hurt too, but it actually feels really good!!! It feels awesome!! lol But the pain in my back doesn't feel good, it just hurts and I know I pulled something.

Once again, thanx sooo much for the encouragement!!! That was nice of you to take time to help me out some. I really appreciate everyone (or mostly everyone ) here on the forums.

~element


And andrew, I'm glad to hear you're doing well. I will still try to remember to pray for you (sorry, but I have a lot of people that I'm trying to pray for and it gets confusing at times. lol) and I hope things continue to get better for ya!! And I bet you'll be good at weight lifting!!

You're welcome, thank you! I prayed for you just now