Whats wrong with me?

As someone who is very suggestable I have decided to instead of guessing what catagory I belong in (I know they are just labels but I still need to be able to explain and yes label my problems) I am going to talk about some of the main things that have bothered me over my life and ask for other people to tell me what they think it sounds most like. This way I hope to avoid accidentally mimicing the thing I think I have.

Firstly I am currently 19 years old female, I have had very good physical health throughout my life.
When I was a child I was inquisitive and talkative although I tended to talk excessivly and without taking note of if the other person was paying attention. My mother says I spoke like an adult at age 3 and could read before I went to school. Once I went to school I had very little success socially but I was very good at schoolwork with the exception of handwriting and PE. I did get told off a lot for masturbating in class although I was never told why I was told off so I didn't realised that's what it was about until I was a lot older. I was always the outsider in school and with same age "peers" and in many ways still am.
Once I got to secondary school when I was 11 I would often be told off for things without actually knowing why I was being told off. I also read books in class instead of paying attention and insisted on doing group work by myself. At one point I was given the beginning of an asessment for adhd (I know because my mum has a book on it and I recognised the questions) and I basically showed them a book I was reading on quantum physics and answered their questions (somewhat angrily) in the negative. I also was in the dyslexia class for a while when I was younger and tended to bite people who tried to "borrow" things I was using.
For the first few years in secondary school I was often sent to the nurses office to talk without any clue of why I thought I was in trouble for something but again no-one ever explained to me what and I generally resisted her attempts to communicate with me.
Academically I was very successful until I reached the age of around 15 when the work, almost suddenly, became quite different and far more difficult for me. It took me until only a few weeks ago to work out why - that I have difficulty determining the steps it takes to solve a problem, so that unless I have a record in my mind or on paper of the exact method to follow I get confused and zone out. When I was younger and most things were a matter of only one step or mere memorisation that was not an aparant problem.

Ok thats the background, now the present day:
Occasionally, now being one of those times I experience a great deal of regret over my inability to relate to others the way it appears they relate to one another. I often become quite lonely and seek people out but a few hours in their company is usually enough to remind me why I isolate myself and I once again retreat to somewhere I can be alone. Still it sadens me sometimes that I am missing out on experiences. I don't understand a lot of peoples motivations for things, boy\girlfreinds for instance, I don't see the point, why endure all that, whats the reward, why do people do it, why are people interested in it and in the lives of others?
I also feel some small degree of guilt that I don't actually care about anyone, I care enough to not want to cause others pain, but if I am alone in a room nothing that happens to anyone is of the slightest bother or even interest to me. When people tell me about their lives and interests unless it directly relates to my life or interests bores me totally and is of no interest to me whatsoever. I also find it next to impossible to talk to people in group rather than one to one situations.
I have contemplated suicide often, but I don't think I'd ever do it, I've made a few attempts but they were halfharted. All my suicide attempts and much of my thinking about it were less related to depression than to anxiety. I have felt very afraid much of the time with little explination. When anxiety was not the cause the cause was usually purely because I found the idea aesthetically apealling and was fixated on it.
I often wondered why I freeze in social situations, people would tell me I shouldn't care what people think of me and I'd think "I don't" over time I have come to realise it relates to predictability, unless I can predict people I can't talk. If I can predict them it doesn't stop me saying things, but I just need to know. This means it can take years to get comfortable enough with someone to have a conversation.
I never go out of my house or speak to people off the internet except my parents but in the autum I will go to university to study chemistry I am afraid but also excited. I like to think it will be a fresh start. It has some problems though, I am not sure I can share a shower\bath, I never remeber to do things like brush my teeth (in fact until this year I never did at all but I have to have a tooth out and they say 3 more are getting that way and it freaked me out). I don't sleep with a sheet on my bed, I sleep in my clothes and wear them for weeks without taking them off and just little things like that that might prove problematic. I also worry about doing a group project at the end of my degree (my dad said he had to do one but he just didn't bother and ended up getting a bad degree as a result).
In the past I have had a few "irrational" stints where I beleived silly things, but I think all those can be mostly chalked up to my trying to explain my alienation using faulty axioms, all were logically coherant within themselves.
I don't need much sleep I have had a few drug abuse phases but most were cut short by my inabilities to interact with others for long periods and resultant losses of contact with drug people.
Sometimes I think that no-one is capable of relating to anyone else really but I still see other people having apparant relationships I just can't seem to make happen.
Oh another thing loud noises startle me, as does anything unexpected and I will scream which then startles people and I get a lot of dirty looks if I go to the shops or whatever because of this. I also overheard a woman in my school say to the dinner lady at school "that girl just wanders the hallways in a daze, do you think it could be drugs" so its not just me that thinks something is off about me.

Oh yeah and I need to constantly have something in my mouth to chew\suck\play with or i will bite myself till I bleed or suck myself till I bruise and stuff. Currently I have a dummy though so if I remeber it its no problem.

xandir wrote:Whats wrong with me?

hi xandir

your right when you say ailments are just labels, because behind them labels are people and personalities that are not always visible and seen.

i dont have to answer your question as i dont know you, and if i did may not answer

but

let me ask you one, please!

are you happy with yourself, as to not care what problems you may have and not care how people may perceive you?

that depends on my mood, today no, I am not, I am intensly angry because I feel like society is set up in such a way as its difficult for me as an individual more than most people and I resent that to a degree that is highly distressing. I am also unhappy with myself because I don't understand why I don't care about anyone else but myself and I am unhappy that I cannot make a connection with other people that is meaningful to me (rather than just an attempt at getting something I want - usually knowlage as I can do most other things for myself).
Sometimes I am fairly content with myself although its a longstanding bitterness I have over being forced to go to school where my desire to learn things was suppressed by the teachers and my natural exuberance was suppressed by the children. I mean its hard to be totally happy with just being the observer, for once I would like to participate in something but everything I try seems stilted and dull and I would rather return to the familiar comforting glow of the computer monitor where no-one makes fun of me and I can express myself without freezing up and listen to nice music instead of being bombarded with sounds that make me go into a trance and seem like an idiot who can't speak or move.
I guess what I mean to say is I am fairly happy with who I am except that I feel it is causing me to miss out on experiences I would enjoy if it weren't for obsticals caused by my mode of being.

im seeing if the pm system works and have sent you a test one. if you recieved one please respond.

didnt work

well
you can see if my email works!

ok... mail sent got mail