Ashamed of being Bisexual

I wasn't sure where to put this. I didn't want to put it in the Sexual Disorders sub-forum because bisexuality/homosexuality is NOT a mental disorder. Don't argue with me about this, I go by the changes in the DSM.

Anyway, I guess I need some advice. I'm Bisexual with a large leaning towards women. I've never been with a woman before. I'm feeling increasingly disgusted by myself & guilty about being attracted to women. I know they probably don't see me the same way. It's one thing to be emotionally attached to women, which I mostly am. But.. those rare moments when I'm sexually attracted & feel my eyes start to roam their body. I feel so... sick. For example, tonight my yoga teacher was doing a posture right in front of me on my mat. She was curving her body & urging everyone to look in her hip area. I felt myself blushing because I was slightly attracted to her body.

UGH. I just... well, I FEEL disordered. I really want a woman. But at the same time, I feel like I shouldn't. Sometimes I just wish I lived on Lesbos in the mythological age when it was full of lesbians. Then I wouldn't have to feel disordered.

Any advice?

Hi MMonroe,

There is a Sexuality forum, but I don't think it gets as much traffic as in here.

Ooh my, I imagine yoga classes could be quite arousing then!

I don't think you should feel ashamed. Can you think of any logical reason why you should?

There's no good reason why a person should feel disgusted by being attracted to a woman is there? I like to think I can be attractive and lovable. I'm sure you are too MMonroe. Don't say it's wrong for someone to want us!

Nurture your sexuality - it's part of what makes you, you!

HI M,

(((hugs)))).....don't feel ashamed of yourself. I think you are such a loving, generous person, and you see the beauty in other people that maybe most people in your life fail to see in you. There's no shame in admiring a body that is beautiful - be it male/female/a bit of both.

At the moment you seem to be feeling more lonely than normal and you yearn for loving human contact. Women are naturally more caring (in my opinion) and intuitive, which is what you "need" most in your life right now. I am not bisexual, but I know that in recent months I have considered the idea that if a woman met my emotional needs then I could easily find myself falling in love with her. I think that's maybe what's happening with you? And there's no shame - it's the soul that you fall in love with, not the outer form. You know where I am if you ever need to PM and have a rant or chat.

I’m also bisexual. I used to have feelings of guilt and disgust when I was younger. This was probably because I didn’t like myself. I also didn’t know anyone else who was bi or lesbian. Whenever I found a girl attractive I immediately felt disgusted with myself because there was an automatic sense of rejection. I thought if that girl knew what I was thinking, she would be grossed out and horrified.

Those feelings of guilt and weirdness dissolved the moment I started experimenting with other women. If you’re able to surround yourself with more queer friendly people and even experiment with other like-minded women, you might feel less weird about your bisexuality.

I don’t think you should feel bad or guilty about having these thoughts. Hell, there are straight women who find their female yoga instructors hot. As women we’re kind of built that way; we’re aroused by other women as much as we’re aroused by other men. I know a few lesbians who actually find male/male porn erotic.

Thanks for the responses everyone!

I guess a logical reason for me to feel ashamed is the word "ashamed". The outer world is putting this sense of shame on me. My society the US, is so against homosexuality that I was raised thinking it was a gross thing. Even though my mother is fully accepting of my sexuality, (even encouraging me to go for the "pretty women") I still feel as though this is "wrong". Its just an inner conditioning.

I think if I did experience with some other lesbians maybe I would feel more accepting of it as the norm for me & the partner, like you said agirlybyanyothername. It's just.. I'd feel awkward joining some sort of lesbian or gay group. I tried that once & I felt so out of place because everyone was stereotypically gay, I simply couldn't take it. I like girls that look "normal". Normal pretty women. I don't even like to the use word "femmes" because thats so stereotypical of gays.

Isoko, I guess you've been reading my posts, "sick of being alone" & "loving from afar". LOL. Yeah, I'm feeling so darn lonely at the moment. It's simply been too long. Way too long, since I've felt loved by another. Even longer since I felt any human touch. (I had a boyfriend before but all we succeeded to was hugging, he moved.)

Like JPKAS warned me, forcing myself to find women to fall in love with isn't the right way to go about it. It will just be a superficial, forced relationship. I need to wait until its "real", like it was with Cathy, my riding partner. That was real. I didn't even know I was bisexual at that point. But it was the signal that I was.

Thanks for the responses everyone. I love you guys. <3

I'm sorry you're dealing with these feelings about yourself.... I was there not so long ago.
I realized as a young teen that I was attracted to women, but I just blew it off. At 21 I slept with a woman for the first time, and it was quite lovely. But afterward, I had horrible feelings of guilt, and, "what the hell did I just do???!!!", etc. It took me a few years to come to terms with the reality of it all. I was deeply in love with this woman, and though I haven't seen her in a few years, she is still very special to me. I wasn't with a woman again until about a year and a half ago (I'm 26 now). It was then that I found myself completely comfortable with it all. I was in a committed relationship with a young lady my age, and being a lesbian all her life, she was able to show me that it really is Ok.

I know for many people it's hard to come to terms with sexual feelings that aren't considered to be the norm. Many things can play into this; personal upbringing, religion, political stance, as well as the dynamics of the immediate culture you live in. But you have to remember; your sexual orientation isn't causing harm to anyone (pissing people off doesn't count ), and if it makes you happy, that's the bottom line. Try not to focus too much on it. Like anything else in life, if you put too much thought into it, your mind can play dirty tricks on you. Do you have any gay/bi friends you can talk to for support? (I mean, aside from on here) Don't be afraid to get to know folks in the gay community if you want, you might be surprised at the many different kinds of people you come across. My bff (a lesbian) calls me a walking contradiction for many reasons, one of which is because I'm bisexual and a republican LOL. But I assure you, there's nothing wrong with feeling the way you do. I hope you can come to believe that yourself.

[quote="MMonroe"]Thanks for the responses everyone!

I think if I did experience with some other lesbians maybe I would feel more accepting of it as the norm for me & the partner, like you said agirlybyanyothername. It's just.. I'd feel awkward joining some sort of lesbian or gay group. I tried that once & I felt so out of place because everyone was stereotypically gay, I simply couldn't take it. I like girls that look "normal". Normal pretty women. I don't even like to the use word "femmes" because thats so stereotypical of gays.

I just went back and read this part........ I've recently joined a gay-straight group at the college; they're all nice kids, but yes, very stereotypical. I don't dislike them at all; they're sweet, goofy and fun. But, I can only be around them for short periods, lol. I tend to go for girls that look like me in a way, just very, kinda toned-down I suppose. Not over-the-top in any fashion. Natural beauty. I've never been attracted to the "butch" types, except for one of my ex's. She was very masculine looking, but I thought she was absolutely beautiful. Don't feel like you have to be a stereotype. It's not a requirement All gays/bi/lesbians/trannys etc are not the stereotype, just be patient and I'm sure you'll come across plenty of folks that better suit your personality and preference.

Thanks Maddy.

I don't have any gay friends however. Actually, I don't have any friends at all except you guys.

It's just so hard to accept who I am. First of all, I don't even believe any woman would want to be with me because of my self-esteem issues. Looking in the mirror is so hard. Plus, I feel like I don't have any personality. I'm a blank slate. Which helps with the dream of being a therapist because it means I can fully listen to the other person without myself coming into it. That's the only "benefit". Apart from that, total blank slate.

Sorry for going off on a tangent there. LOL.

I know it's typical of people to say "go experiment" but I just wanted to note that's really unsafe...to experiment either with a man or woman. You can get into a lot of trouble...you know. My psychiatrist told me to experiment once, but thankfully I didn't...I think it was pretty irresponsible for some psychiatrist to tell me that without even figuring out what's REALLY going on with me. You know I had people invite me to go to gay clubs when I Was younger, and I'm not even gay! I wish I were one of those normal girls you were talking about
The shame thing idk I feel that way towards all sexual relationships! I've been abused and unless it's my idea of the perfect guy I don't really want anything to do with him...not even look at him haha
Sorry for sounding like a prude haha...

Totally not a prude, Baby!

I'm not going to "experiment". I'm so socially anxious I would never be able to do that. I'm taking their advice as more, try to gain more "experience". After, you know... getting to know someone & liking them.