Living hell, and maybe finding an answer

First off, an advisory for those who don't like reading long posts: this will be one of them. I'm here because I'm really really tired of searching. For the last 10 years I've been living a progressively worse and worse version of hell. It would seem that bipolar might explain it. This is why I am posting on this forum.

Ten years ago: I’m 18, I go see my family doctor and tell him I can’t do anything, that I feel completely empty and always crying. I’m prescribed antidepressants. Within 3 months of taking them I have my first suicide attempt. I remember it being very mechanical and unplanned. Like I just decided one evening that tonight would be a good night to kill myself. Prescription pills, including the anti-depressants and about half a bottle of tequilla.

I end up in a hospital, stay there for one week. A psychiatrist there prescribed me round #2 of AD, which I took diligently thinking it would help me. Within one month of taking them, suicide attempt #2. At the time, my best friend was staying in my apartment with me to be sure I wouldn't do anything. We were sleeping, or she was anyway, and I suddenly decide tonight would be a good night to kill myself again. I go to the washroom and snapped the razor open and just cut and cut and screamed. She wakes up. 911. Blood everywhere and me screaming my lungs out. I cut about 20 times on each arm. I end up in the hospital again and I tell them I don't know how I did this. This time I stay 2 weeks. I remember very clearly telling these doctors that I felt out of control.

I’m prescribed round #3. During this time I was already beginning to not trust doctors because I felt they weren’t listening to me. My best friend who was undergoing a psychoanalysis tells me of the benefits of it, and suggests I do the same. I figure why not since I’ve already tried the meds and doesn’t seem like they’re working for me. For the next 6 years I see a psychoanalyst on a weekly basis and stop taking meds. I stop believing in meds because I can’t comprehend that a psychoanalysis could make me feel better if the cause was brain chem imbalance. I vowed never to take them again. I start thinking in terms of conspiracy and the pharmaceutical industry. I don’t talk about it because whenever I do I’m told my theories are exaggerated.

Throughout this time I describe time and time again this "switching" thing. One day I'm happy, the next day I'm doomed. I've always been pretty good at controlling it, or at least not let it control me. I told myself that this was all in my head and that trying to find the root causes in my own behaviour was the way to go. In retrospect however, I see a very clear cycle of up and downs, phases usually lasting a few weeks until the "switch".

November of last year: The bad phase becomes too hard to handle, and really interferes in my life. I'm starting to break down. I'm completing my bachelor's degree (I've dropped so many classes during the "bad phase" which explain why at 28 I'm still not done). I feel like I can't handle it anymore, like I might actually be going nuts. Sometimes I think I’ll hear a big cracking sound in my brain and that will be it, I’ll have imploded on myself. I finally get myself to go see the doctor again, upon recommendation of the psychoanalyst as well. I accept round #4 of AD. The side effects were too important, "brain tremors", figgityness, zapping feelings in my fingers. I go back within two weeks and am prescribed round #5. I really don’t think it’s going to help me. At this time I still haven’t noticed that my past suicidal behaviour only happened while I was on AD.

January: I wake up one day and decide that's it, I can't take it anymore. Alcohol, razor blades. The whole scenario all over again. I called a friend telling him "it was God, it was God". I don't remember. Apparently I decided God was some evil thing and began a process of destroying everything related to God in my house: I had the Christmas tree up still, took all the little nativity scene characters and destroyed them one by one. I got a bible and put it on the stove, nearly burned the house down. I destroyed my first communion cross which has always been over the door in my bedroom. This "episode" was really different from all the others. It felt like a force inside me took over. I end up in the hospital, I tell the doctors exactly this. What do they do? Prescribe ADs; I refuse to take them. I return home the next day and can not believe the extent of destruction I caused. I have no clear recollection of it, only parts.

Over the last few months: I go on the net, start researching all the meds I took. All of them (and as I would find out later, all ADs) list "suicide or suicidal ideas" as a possible side-effect. I'm flabbergasted. I find out there are class action suits in the US regarding this precise issue, but as it applies to children. I discover multiple studies that demonstrate a correlation between suicide rates, AD use, and users under the age of 18. I go back to my family doctor and tell him this. He agrees that there is no way I should be taking these meds as he also realised the pattern of my suicidal behaviour, always in the context of AD. I tell him exactly what is going on in my head, that I'm always always thinking, I'm always getting theories and I can't shut them out.

Over the years he mentioned a few times "bipolar". Every time I told him no, that was impossible because I don't get those urges to spend money or be promiscuous. He never pressed it, probably because he’s a family doctor and not a psychiatrist. This time, I tell him about the obsessive aspect of my thinking, in high times and in low times. I tell him also that I spend half my time thinking I don't exist, that reality doesn't exist. He decides to prescribe something for "mania". As I recall, this drug was primarily used as an anti-convulsion, but research found that it was helpful in phases of mania. I go home, look the meds up on the net. I find exactly what I found about ADs; suicidal behaviour. I do not take the meds by shear fear. I do not go back to my doctor thinking there is something very very wrong in the pharmaceutical industry and these drugs might me the cause of my destructive behaviour toward myself. I decide I want to do an epystemology of the pharmaceutical industry to address how it is that the most profitable drug in the world rests on theory not empirical evidence. To address how it is that on each bottle of ADs it says "we believe a chemical imbalance causes depression" as opposed to "we know". I can't get this idea that we're being screwed by the system out of my head.

I look up this out-of-reality symptom I get all the time as well. I discover the term "depersonalization" and I fit the profile exactly. For the first time I find something that really describes me. I post about my experience, people agree this is exactly like what they have. I don't know what to do with the information as I refuse to see my doctor. The theory-thinking gets worse and worse and the more I talk about it the more I see no one understand, the more I think something might be really really wrong with me. I'm totally scared.

Yesterday: Somehow I end up on a website that links increased cycling in bipolar with AD use. Again, strong correlation that AD might CAUSE the suicidal behavior. But this time it goes further. It's suggested that people with bipolar are rarely diagnosed as such because they only see their doctor when they feel down. It's also suggested that AD might make and underlying bipolar condition worse. I start thinking about bipolar and why I’ve refused to think that I might have it: 1-psychiatrists never suggested it, 2-I don’t fit the exact profile. I decide to write down what I feel. I come up with this:

I spend my time evenly, half the time thinking this is out of control, and half the time feeling absolutely fine. I switch between phases all the time, sometimes on a daily basis.

The bad: I'm in emotion-neutral. I don't feel joy or pain. I feel very detached from everything. I look around my apartment and I feel kind of like "I can believe this is my life, my furniture, my cat, etc". I get episodes of depersonalization throughout the day which are sometimes really intense and highly existential in nature (main theme being what is reality because I don’t feel like I’m a part of it). I buy a lot of alcohol or pot to get rid of the feeling. Every evening I drink (usually) or smoke (much less often). My ideas are like things on a conveyor belt, a new one is passing by every minute and I can’t stop them. When I watch tv I see links to society, politics, power, all sort of political science theory (I study political science incidentally). I write these things down. I write a lot. I don’t tell my friends about the theories because they always react negatively, like I’m an oddball. I'm not able however to concentrate on class, my attention keeps shifting from the prof to some totally unrelated thing. I have difficulty following any conversation, sometimes I zone out and miss whole parts of it. I'm absorbed in thought. I'll do many things at the same time, and I can't finish one because I have an idea for another. I'm figgity. . I'm not very hungry and don't care to eat anyway. I feel like I'm in odd place where you can't move forward. It's never like this all at once and all the time but usually at least a few hours a day, and for a few days, not weeks. I don't really feel depressed, just numb, anxious, and obsessive.

the good: after all of the above, some superhuman force somewhere kicks in and kicks my butt back into correct action. I'm very attentive in class, I see my goals better and they feel within reach, I plan what I'm going to do more. People think I am confident. I feel more, I'm more likely to go out with my friends and want to spend time with people generally (in the above I never go out, except to university). I don't drink unless with friend, and I don't smoke. I'm more talkative, and better able to hold a conversation without loosing track of it. I'm still having a ton of ideas and theories, but they are easier to control and address one at a time. I write excellent papers. I feel on top of things. When this happens I'm always confident that I've finally seen the light and all will be fine now. But every time the bad phase kicks in again, almost like clockwork. And after that the good phase comes back and I forget about the bad. And it goes on and on.

It seems to me that the only thing about bipolar I have no described is the promiscuity and spending. Are these things really necessary for a diagnosis? Are obsessive thoughts about the bigger picture in the world an aspect that you get as well? Am I leaning more toward the psychosis end of the spectrum? I really believe my theories make sense but no one gets them. I've become completely obsessed by them.

I feel so out of control. When I was 18 I’d have maybe two shifts a year. Today, it's almost every day. I can’t stop it. I never told anyone the full extent of what a day in my head is like. Everyone thinks I'm this totally in-control person. I feel like I'm a fraud.

I’d really appreciate feedback. All this is nuts.

Nancy

Dear Nancy,

I can relate to much of your post. I am bipolar, and your symptoms sound a lot like mine. For years, I have had periods of great ambition and confidence, alternating with times of no energy or goals. I used to swing very high and very low. Today, although my swings are often frequent, they do not go up or down too much. When I am low, I just ride it out by lying around for a day or so watching TV or listening to music. I do not fight my moods the way I use to. When I am high, I get a lot done.

I agree with your ideas about the drug industry. This industry makes billions by keeping people hooked on lots of medication for the rest of their lives. Some people definitly need the drugs for a while, but I do not think so many people need to be on meds for the rest of their lives. I was on meds for many years. It was hell getting off of them. At present, I've been off of my bipolar medication for years. The doctors all said that I would need to take them for the rest of my life.

However, I am one of the luckly people who was blessed with alcholism along with mental illness. So after I went to AA, the people and the program took care of my drinking and all the rest of my problems as well. It is a wonderful program. On my website I have some links and some information about coping with bipolar illness. I am proof that a full life is possible even with mental illness.
Good Luck,
Jim S

your looking for a diagnosis but your not being fair to people or yourself,

many of the symptoms you discribe could be caused with the consumption of alcohol or weed

iv said this in other threads time and again
stop with all the drugs including prescribed ones

then in eighteen months have a self assessment.

I agree with asmo. Asmo's suggestions make a lot of sense. Try them, what do you have to lose?
Jim S

asmo wrote:your looking for a diagnosis but your not being fair to people or yourself,

many of the symptoms you discribe could be caused with the consumption of alcohol or weed

iv said this in other threads time and again
stop with all the drugs including prescribed ones

then in eighteen months have a self assessment.

Could be, but are not always. From the description it seems like the use of alchohol and weed began after onset of the symptoms.

However, the use of alchohol which is a depressant, and weed, in this state can certainly exacerbate the condition. Your advice is sound.

N: Try quitting, or at least cutting down. Make sure you have a strong support network. This will give you and your doc an opportunity to isolate the problem.

I think this is an important subject.... I'm not surprised by some of your responses, Jims and asmo's in particular. But let me respectfully disagree with your perspectives.

I posted the above because I wanted to be honest about everything for once. That included the alcohol, pot, and everything else. The way I see it, the “everything else” part is the bigger concern, and the drinking is a symptom of that. I'm not going to try to defend my behaviour. It's not the point, after all I did write because I wanted advice. But... If it was alcoholism, I think things would be a little different. For instance, I wouldn't spend weeks or months without needing to "tame" the feelings I get with some numbing substance. The feeling definitely precedes the alcohol. I use it maily to calm myself down, and enable myself to sleep. I use it to counter the feeling of crazyness I have in my whole being.

I wonder if drug and alcohol abuse may not fall in the same category as promiscuity and uncontrolled spending, which I do not exhibit. In the past I did have bouts of uncontrolled spending, which were of concern to my doctor (to the point where he made me promise to "not buy on the same day" as homework). As I recall, that was one of the first times he mentioned bipolar. Perhaps the only reason I'm not doing the spending thing anymore is because the finances are different. All three behaviours fall in the addiction category. For people who have bipolar, it seems they have these behaviours at some times, others not. I notice the same trend with myself. It’s something you do despite knowing its wrong, that you don’t do all the time, and that try as you may you can’t seem to control.

I consider myself a smart person. I excel in my studies and am regarded by my peers and professors as a highly intellectual individual. I'm aware that there's a problem, that's why I'm talking about it. But I just dont see it, as some of you, as the cause of everything else. I'd actually consider an AA meeting, or some form of group therapy if it wasn't for some concerns I have about the constitution of such groups. I do believe in the healing power of groups. Talking about alcohol use with a psychoanalyst or a doctor (as both are aware of) is not the same thing as talking about it with people who are living it. There's no way to compare, to see the lows and the highs of everyone else and situate oneself. With medical practitioners, there's just advice based not on experience but on books and other patient experience. After reading your post Jims, I did a search on google to find something like an AA in my area. I called a central number, and asked if there was such a thing as AA minus the spiritual or God component. The big problem here is that I do not believe in God, and I don't believe my submitting or committing to Him (or, as the person on the phone tried to convince me, submitting to my "notion of God") will make my situation better. I'd have to have a notion of God to begin with. I believe rather that it is in human nature to have a sense of morality, of good and wrong, without a supreme order looming over our heads. Because of this, AA's constitution makes me cringe. I feel it borders proselytizing. And as I've discovered, there are no similar program that are not based on God or whatever spiritual being you believe in. This irks me a little. Someone should really consider starting up such a group based on the notion of human experience rather than divine knowledge. If there was such a group, people like me, and I'm not the only atheist around, would probably be more likely to attend. Until then, I’ll consider this forum my form of group therapy.

That being said, I am seeing my doctor on Wednesday and am bringing with me the post above. The biggest problem as I see it, has been my inability to say it like it really is. Speaking here, in a sense, is taking care of that problem. A baby step perhaps, but an important one. I think this withholding of information comes because I don't want to be categorized, or as it seems to have started on this forum, labelled as something relating only to the alcohol and nothing else.

My main concern is the thinking patterns. I can not stop thinking of links to society and politics, no matter how much I try. I'm concerned with my conspiracy-theory personality. I'm concerned with the fact that I jump from on idea to the other, incessantly. I'm concerned that if this aspect gets worse, I'm on my way to total loss of control. I have two friends that have been diagnosed with schizophrenia in the last ten years. I'm not near that level, I'm not paranoid, but there are similarities. For one, the idea that no one else is aware of what's really happening. If I feel on edge a lot of the time, it's often because I think I'm seeing/understanding phenomena that others don't see. Until very recently, I always considered this a good thing. It's very similar to what scientists have, this contemplative disposition to the world. My professors have often taken note of this "ability", and pushed me to expand on my ideas, have shown interest to hear more. I'm currently working with one prof to elaborate my master's thesis, which most of my friends think is nuts. I don't think my ideas are that crazy. I'm concerned however that I'm not able to think of anything else, that I'm unable to talk about daily things with friends, and that I'm not able to connect emotionally with people. My best friend told me last week that she wished I could talk about my feelings instead of all these malicious external forces. If I did, she would understand me better, more like herself she told me. I told her that I'm not able to talk about my feelings because I don't feel. She's the one that pushed me most to talk about all this because she is worried I'm going to a place where I won't be able to come back.

This is way bigger than having a few beers at night when I'm fidgety, although yes, the drinking is of concern, and yes, it probably exasperates the problem. I wrote a poem here http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=3121 that tries to convey what it’s like on those days I do turn to alcohol for numbing, if you'd like to get a better idea of how it feels to be me. When it happens, I feel like I’m not in control. When the suicide attempts happened I felt like I was not in control. Half my life I feel like I’m not in control. I posted here because I realised how similar what I'm living is to what people with bipolar live.

I will keep you posted. Thank you so much for all your responses.


Nancy

Thanks for posting. I know you do not think you have a problem with alcohol, but you sound a lot like an alcoholic. Many who read the posts might have said, "Gee maybe I should try going without alcohol and other drugs for a year or so to see what happens." But every alcoholic without faii would come back with a long post telling us why they can't have a probelm and will not go to AA.

It seems that almost all AA members have a great deal of trouble with anything involving God. AA generally asks us to believe in some power greater than ourselves. The only requirement for this God is that he or she can't be ourselves. That is we can't think that we know all the answers all the time. A start would be an open mind that at least some of the people in an AA meeting know more than we do about staying sober.

I could go on and on, but I know you are sensitive about any mention of God. I do want you to know that there are a few organizations that use everything in AA except the God part. There is at least one book they wrote. They have many members who claim to be sober for years. I believe the AA program is great, even without the God part. So I can see these alternatives working. I do not know off the top of my head what the names of these organizations are. I would try one of these groups, but I'm lazy. AA is close at hand for me. I'm not too good with computer searches, but I will try to find some contact information for you. I have a link on my website that might work--it gives the times and places for self-help groups all over the world.
Jim S

Here is some information about althernatives to AA that I found on my website.
Good Luck,
Jim S


Although Alcoholics Anonymous and the other 12 Step groups like Narcotics Anonymous, Cocaine Anonymous, etc. are the best known recovery organizations, there are alternatives to the 12 Step Movement. Most of these were created out of the recognition that one size does not fit all. Many of them use a more psychological approach than the 12 Step programs do; most have some sort of group support model with regular group meetings for members. Some are actively opposed to the religious or spiritual tone found in 12 Step groups, while a few embrace a specific kind of spirituality.

Each organization has its own flavor and methods.

Best known alternatives to the 12 Step groups include: Smart Recovery, Rational Recovery, LifeRing Secular Recovery, Secular Organization for Recovery (SOS), the Lenaire Technique, etc.

All of these groups, and others, have websites and are often listed in the white pages of the phone book in areas where they are active.

Jims,

If you actually read my posts instead of just scanning them for the word alcohol, you might have seen that I already admitted I had a problem with alcohol and that I also took the initiative myself to call around and find help. If this is the typical denial you are referring to, I guess I must actually be nuts since I don't recall ever denying anything. As I stated, both my doctor and therapist have been aware of the alcohol intake, and both, as I have talked of abuse. Perhaps they are in denial as well. So with respect to your firm belief that I'm an alcoholic, not knowing me or actually knowing anything about how much of it, or when, I consume it, basing your conclusions on a set of assumptions you have about me, and perhaps coming up with those assumptions because you are hard set on saving anyone who displays similar behavior to you, and thus alcoholics, I seriously have to disagree. I know I'm abusing alcohol. Thank you. I also know that I don't use it all the time, not even most of the time. But you wouldn't know that. Surely you will tell me I'm still in denial as you know all the signs and symptoms of such a skewed state of mind, and that the anger you might sense in this post is a reflection of that. Jims, I came here because I was under the impression it was an open forum on mental illness, not intended to lay judgment or divert attention to personal i-was-saved websites. I came here because I was worried about the dynamics of my thought process, and because a personal friend was worried as well. I came here because I sat down and read the symptoms of bipolar, and saw huge similarities with what I'm living, of which alcohol or drug abuse often tag along. I came here because I wanted to see if people related to what I was saying. I came here in full honesty, never denying anything, laying it all on the table for everyone to see. I guess I was wrong, or perhaps unlucky for having you read, misread me. Thanks for your interest on my alcohol intake and disinterest in all the rest.

n.

Poster "guest" above and I are the same person. I had not realised I wasn't logged on.

nancy