Rather confused...

OK, well, I don't even really know how to get out what I'm feeling. I mean... it's like every time I try to explain something, I contradict myself. The two truths can't really coincide, but hey, I'll give it a shot. Maybe some of you know what the heck is wrong with me.

I'm a 26 year old woman, with a great husband and two wonderful children. I'm disabled, so I don't have a career or anything, just my two children to look after, an endless source of joy, I'm proud to say that I get a pretty good joy-to-frustration level with these two, they're like 95% angel.

Now, lately, I've been having these issues... I don't know what else to call them. I guess... it always did used to happen around the Christmas holidays for as long as I can remember... but for some reason, this past Christmas holiday came and went, and this... issue... came, but refused to go with the holiday.

What I'm talking about is.. well.. brooding. About my past. I hated my childhood, I can remember every bad thing that ever happened to me in vivid detail. I usually just never think about it, but these days, I think about all of them more and more.

There was my first disillusionment with religion, and the fact that I lived my entire youth to impress my mom and she never noticed... that I cried after school every day and no one noticed... on and on... everything.

I think I can safely say I probably was a Major Depressive when I was young, but I was never diagnosed or treated, I suffered through all the feelings and desires for death (to this day I maintain the only reason I never killed myself, was because I was too scared that it would hurt). Nothing out of the ordinary happened at Christmas. In fact, this was the best christmas so far with my 'new' family. My children are 4 and 5 years old.

I don't get it, why am I dwelling on all this crap that can't be changed, and that doesn't really have anything to do with how amazing my life is now? I lose sleep over it... I... I never want to go to bed until I am dead tired so that my mind doesn't have time to wander places I don't want it to go. Tonight, I was up until 4:00am, then decided I should try to get SOME sleep. All I did was lay there and think about how disattached I feel to my family (I am the youngest child, my next oldest sibling is 9 years older). An hour and a half of thoughts that did nothing but make me feel horrible. So horrible that I ended up looking at websites about depression and ended up here.

Reading diagnoses, I don't think I am Major Depressive. It's not constant... heh.. only when I lay down to sleep, really. I don't know. Maybe it is constant for all I can tell. No one else seems to know... but then again, they didn't know when I was a kid, either, and I cried all the time back then. I only cry now when it gets really bad.

Sorry for the long, drawn-out post... I just.. don't know where else to go.

--Mandolin

Thanks for sharing. I can relate to your feelings about the past. Much of my childhood was terrible because my dad was an alcoholic; we were poor; and I had learning problems so school was awfully difficult.

I've come to terms with most of my past through friends in 12 step felowships, especially Al-Anon and ACOA. The expert opinion says that when we feel comfortable, these bad memories and experiences will come back to haunt us--probably because we feel safe and stable enough to relook our past.

A counselor could probably help you. Many professionals might just put you on medication which will make your sadness disappear. But that will not help the cause. Also, you may need to take the medicine for the rest of your life, or you will start feeling bad again. I get a lot of help from writing in a journal and from sharing on this forum. There are a ton of books on this topic. I've read many. You can find them at Amazon.com or by just walking around in a bookstore.
Good Luck,
Jim S