When Things Fall Apart.....

I rarely post here about my own things I'm struggling with. Usually other's expect a moderator to have her act all together...but I guess I am an exeption to that. Today was the strangest day I can remember in a while.

Sunday was quite a traumatic upsetting day for me...for reasons I'll leave blank. AllI can say is that I'm hurting...badly. And, for the first time in about 8 yrs I wanted to Si. I was browning meat for tonights supper while still in my night clothes. My sleeve almost caught on fire and for a moment I wanted it to burn me badly. Then I snapped out of it and got on with my day. Maybe the pain of the burning would lesson the emotional pain I was in. But I knew better enough than to go down that dead end street.

I had an appointment with my therapist this afternoon...and I almost missed it. On the way there I remember driving up to a certain point and then I blacked out...no memory...no nothing. When I came to my senses I wasn't sure where I was and how was I going to make it to my T appoinement on time. I began to frantically look for streets that looked familiar to me...finally I found one that led me directly to the building my T works out of.

I just don't know what to make of all this.

Kathy

Hi Kathy,

I'm SO sorry that you are going through this. I wish I had answers for you, but sadly, I don't. Just wanted to reach out as a link of support to you.

I'm SO proud of you for resisting that strong urge to self-harm. You may not yet recognize where you got the strength to resist let alone understand why you felt the temptation in the first place...but you resisted...that's MUCH to be proud of.

For your blacking out...simply don't have answers on that and I know your situation is much different then mine...so I don't want to venture a guess when I could be WAY off base. Just that it is a concern, of course, and i hope you...well I'm sure you did!...talk about this w/ your therapist today.

I don't have more to offer ...'cept a friendly hug in show of support. Keep talking as long as it helps....

well...I do have this much....I HATE the idea that people here just don't understand the role of mods. on the boards. It's not our jobs here to be 100% well and guide the people on the board...we are NOT professionals...we don't pretend or profess to be....we volunteer our time to help watch the boards to make sure they are running smooth and offer an environment where people feel safe and at ease in their posts....we shouldn't be expected to have answers...that's not what our title is supposed to imply...we all came here w/ things on our plate....same as anyone else posting who is not currently in "mod" status. I was on the boards a year and a half...I finally just decided I wanted to do more on the boards then post and I approached our administrator to see if I could be of help anywhere. But eeessshhhh...I just hate that people see "moderator" and right away assume we have answers or that we are like counselors or something. Sure...some of the mods here are GREAT w/ providing resources to check out on various mental health issues....some have great things to offer beyond their realm of personal experiences that brought them here...but man...where does it state that mods can't share of themselves and have things that hurt and bring us down too?!!!
(just me venting in general Kathy and not a direct thing to you!) So don't feel you owe people an apology Kathy ok?! You need to talk...I bet you'll find a huge circle of support ready to help carry you along!!!!!! My arms are out!

Hey, you're a mod, you aren't God, and no one expects you to have a perfect life!! So when you're feeling down or upset, POST ABOUT IT!! You've been very sweet to me lately, and I want to be there for you when things aren't going well.

I'm glad you resisted the temptaion to SI, I'm not as strong when it comes to resisting.

*hugz*

And even though I'm just a kid, I could maybe make you feel a little better, if you want to pm me or something.

as element said, you are not god (though you did set a good example for others because you resisted SI *is proud of you*

you can always come to us if youre down, thats the least we can do for all that you do for us.

Thank your for your replies Angel, element and TM.

I really appreciate your encouraging words. Today I feel more centered and in control over myself. Yesterday my therapist was concerned at my blackout only because I have a past history of DID. For the most part I am integrated..but I can now see quite clearly that it is possible to dissociate without forming an alter.

I plan on having a better day today. I won't just let today happen...I will aggressively make it a better day.

Again Thanks for your replies. They are most heartily appreciated.

((((Hugs to All))))
Kathy

I'm glad you're feeling better!!

youre welcom SnG

Today is definetly better than yesterday..just as I knew it would be. I did my usual ladies Bible study in the morning....met my youngest son at a coffee house ( Had a great time with him )
Now I will be off to work in about 45 mins....just in time to see my second oldest son as he returns from work.

Kathy

glad to hear youre doing so good brings a smile to every face.