Not doing so well...

not to be offensive but it almost sounds as though your addicted to the b12 and need it to feel ok

isnt it possible that b12 gives bad side affects? and you think those are normal and take the b12 to get them away?

though these symptoms are just telling you you need to get new b12 like i get when i dont smoke, i get shakey and $#%^ until i get my nicotine?

thanx for the carrot info, might try to eat more of the little suckers

and thanx for clearing up my confusion bout the b12.

sorry to hear bout the brain damage, but im glad some dude thought made those b12 vitamines to help you

I just think things are hard right now. they are going to be really hard when my sister is out of school, and I'm not. That's going to make me feel so bad I'll want to throw up. I hate to even think about it. It makes me want to hurt myself.

~element

***COULD BE TRIGGERING***


As of last night, I began feeling a lot better. I felt much happier than before. I'm still feeling pretty nice. sort of. I'm praying that this will last though, because I'm already starting to feel myself going downhill again, and I'm not looking foward to it. I'm having a little bit of trouble with school. I'm just not motivated to do it, yet I have to do it anyway, and it's becoming tiring. And it's overwhleming to know that I have so very much to do. My sister was talking about how excited she is that she only has eleven days left. I felt like throwing up. I sort of feel like puking right now. I'm not depressed yet, but I believe I"m on my way. And I don't know how to fight it. It's driving me insane. I would post this right now, but I'm not allowed to get on-line right now. So when I actually post it, I'll probably be severely depressed again. i'm not sure though. I'm really trying to fight it. I just don't know how. All I can do is pray. That's it. 'cuz I don't k now how to control this junk.

I went to wal-mart last night, and I honestly believe that that's a lot of the reason that I was feeling better. I got to see two people that I really wanted to see. And I had a nice time. It's so sad that wal-mart is the highlight of my week or day or whatever. I guess that's just how it is when you're homeschooled in a small town. And Consider_this, no I didn't get the B12 things. I forgot about it. Maybe I"ll get some enxt time. I'm really in no hurry though. I don't really think my problem is a lack of B12. I was reading about that in the health book, and it said it's rare for someone under 40 to get that problem anyway. IDK.

Okay, I tried to fight it, but I just can't. I'm feeling down again. Not too bad, but not good either.

I guess I'll have to put off my diet for another day, because my mom made pancakes this morning, and I could not resist. I had to have one. I only ate one with sugar free syrup, but still. I think I'll just wait another day to diet, and maybe I can start a healthy diet then.

I planned on taking a bubble bath this morning. I took a shower last night and everything (I did that so my hair would be clean 'cuz I don't like to wash it in the bath tub). And then this morning, I wanted to take my bubble bath and have some me time, but my sister had to take her shower. And then I didn't feel like getting out of my bed later to do it, because I was really sleepy. So I slept a little while longer, and then got up and ate breakfast and went with my mom to take my nephew to school. So I didn't get my bubble bath. Maybe some other day. I have a new nephew, btw. I can't wait to see him. He was born at 1:50 PM yesterday and I can't wait to hold the little guy. I'll bet he's precious.

I guess that's all I have to say for now. I hope I'll feel better soon.

Oh, and one more thing, it sux, because I really need my mom to help me with school but she has like no time to. And I'm getting hardly anything done. I'm just getting farther and farther behind. It makes me angry and it makes me want to hurt myself.

I feel horrible right now. I have so much to do and it's killing me. I hate it. It's too much. I have a stupid research paper that I haven't even started on, 'cuz I'm an idiot, and I had so many other things and I kept forgetting about it about putting it off. I have way too many book reports. I have way too much to do. And it's so overwhelming. It makes me just want to die at times. I'm not going to kill myself over this, but I'm just terribly upset. And it's just going to get worse and worse until I"m done with school, which could be forever at this horrible rate.

Our youth group and two other youth groups are having some even thing this Friday. They're supposed to have hotdogs and hamburgers and play games and stuff. I dont' want to go. I don't know why, but I have no desire to go. I'm not sure what my mom and sister will think about this, but I just flat out do not want to go. I get nervous and uncomfortable around large crowds of people, and I don't want to go. And I just don' tfeel like it. There's no one there that I really want to see anyway. That one guy probably won't be there because he's in college now and not in the youth group. I know my mom will probably tell me that I should go because I'll have a good time, but I don't want to go at all.

I feel soooo terrible right now. I'm falling and there's no one here to save me. I'm begging for help, but it isn't being given to me. And I can't help but ask myself, what am I doing wrong? how can I prevent this? I'm just falling farther and farther down. I hate being alive right now. I'm miserable right now. I guess I deseve it, but it doesn't make it any easier to konw that I deserve it. Actually, it just makes it worse. I'm don't deserve any sympathy or compassion, yet I'm coming to this forum to get some. I'm so screwed up. I can't stand myself. I just want to feel better. When does this get to be over. Will it be over when I'm done with school. Will it be over when I'm living on my own. Will it last forever. Will it be over next school year? How much more of this can I take? I just want to run away and hid from the world. But I can't do that. And it wouldn't solve any of my problems anyway. I don't know what I"m going to do. But I need to come up with something quickly, because this is really hard and it's getting worse and worse.

Dang I feel bad. I just need to get out of this. I want to die right now. I can't quit thinking about shooting myself in the head or stabbing myself in the chest or something like that. I won't do it though.I just want to hurt myself so bad. I hate being alive. i'm not the same person as I used to be. I hate the new me. She sux. Sometimes I want to kill her and hurt her.

~element

i have a way to solve some of your problems in one little thing...exercising...first off it could help you lose some weight, make you stronger, let you forget about things while your doing it, and give you something to do...whenever i feel bad about myself just lifting some weights helps me not worry about things and then i physically feel better about myself at the same time... (it doesn't have to be weights, could be running, walking, any type of exercise)

just a suggestion...

also if you feel bad about yourself pick up something that you can do (or learn to do), drawing, painting, anything and when you feel bad you could make yourself something (for me i make things on the computer, like toy story (but not as good ))

about that party, thats friday and its tuesday today, just wait a while and decide if your going or not when the time comes, maybe youll feel better?

you shouldnt hate yourself, waste of energy, try hating something else (i usually hate my dad or step mom, school kids at school, anything) go outside and scream really hard run a couple of laps around the house, jump up and down and go back inside..

maybe it will make you feel better maybe it wont, i hope it does..

you said you dont disserve compassion.. ofcoarse you do, what makes you think you dont? and even if you dont think you do, i think you do so HA *great big hugz* if things get worse you know where to find me, if they get better... you know where to find me

P.S dont do the stab in the chest thing... it sucks and its painfull as hell.. anyways youll need a frikin sharp knife and a long one

i have a way to solve some of your problems in one little thing...exercising...first off it could help you lose some weight, make you stronger, let you forget about things while your doing it, and give you something to do...whenever i feel bad about myself just lifting some weights helps me not worry about things and then i physically feel better about myself at the same time... (it doesn't have to be weights, could be running, walking, any type of exercise)

just a suggestion...

also if you feel bad about yourself pick up something that you can do (or learn to do), drawing, painting, anything and when you feel bad you could make yourself something (for me i make things on the computer, like toy story (but not as good ))

Thanks for the ideas. I have something that I"m good at--piano--but I still feel bad about myself. But thanks.
I would love to excersize, but I can't right now. I really miss doing that though. I haven't gotten to in a while.

about that party, thats friday and its tuesday today, just wait a while and decide if your going or not when the time comes, maybe youll feel better?

you shouldnt hate yourself, waste of energy, try hating something else (i usually hate my dad or step mom, school kids at school, anything) go outside and scream really hard run a couple of laps around the house, jump up and down and go back inside..

maybe it will make you feel better maybe it wont, i hope it does..

you said you dont disserve compassion.. ofcoarse you do, what makes you think you dont? and even if you dont think you do, i think you do so HA *great big hugz* if things get worse you know where to find me, if they get better... you know where to find me

P.S dont do the stab in the chest thing... it sucks and its painfull as hell.. anyways youll need a frikin sharp knife and a long one

Thanks.

I think I'll take your advice about the party. I just don't see myself wanting to go.

I would love to go outside and scream!! And jump up and down and just get rid of all the enrgy that i want to use to hurt myself. My dad's outside though, so I can't do that right now. But maybe later.

The reason that I don't believe I deserve compassion, is because I've brought my problems on myself. Now I'm payin for what I've done, and I just don't think I deserve compassion or mercy, but I'm still begging for both or I wouldn't be on this forum. THanks for giving me some.

I may be private messaging you soon. I'm not doing well at all right now.

I want stab myself in the chest. The pain is the basic point though, that and the possibility of bleeding to death, but that's probably not really what i want. I just think I want it. IDK.

Thanks for being sweet, and that goes for both Pancake and TM.

~element