by element » Mon May 23, 2005 1:08 pm
***********COULD BE TRIGGERING***********
I'm still not feeling very well. I hit myself several times in a row yesterday. I did it very quickly, almost like it was out of an impulse or something. I know I could have controled it, but I didn't feel like I could. I didn't think about it at all before I did it, I just did it. I didn't feel guilty this time though. I did wish that I had not done it, but I didn't feel much shame. I never feel as bad after banging my head as I did after cutting. And just now, after my shower, I noticed that I'm getting sort of fat (I weigh 131 now!!) and it made me upset so I punched my ugly stomach. I want to hurt myself more right now. But I want to quit, too.
I'm not happy at all with myself right now. I feel fat. I hate my personality. I hate me right now. I'm very unhappy with everything. I hate myself for that too. I feel so upset and sad. I just wish this would all go away. I'm so sick of it. I can't take much more. I really can't. I don't know how I"m going to handle it. I need to get out somehow. I feel so upset. I just want to get out of this. I hate this. I hate it.
I just hit my arm very quickly several times just like I did with my head yesterday. I'm really upest. I want to hurt myself a lot.
I'm so depressed. So many things are going wrong right now, and I blame myself for it. It's my fault and I hate myself. And I'm too stupid to be happyu for the good things that are happening. I just feel so upset right now. It really does seem like everything is going wrong.
Yesterday, my sister finally got paid, but she owed me money. So she came in to my room and said something like this "I finally get paid and I have to give all but 3 dollars of it to you." She handed me the money and i gave her, her 3 dollars. Oh, and I said "I'm sorry" when she said that. I said sympathetically too, because I can understand why she'd be dissapointed. Then she said "I was just excited because I finally had some money and now I have to give it to you". She looked like she was going to cry. I told her that if she wanted to, she could just pay me back later. And she said no because she'd forget. And then she said "and then you'd dangle it over my head that I owe you money". That really hurt my feelings. I said "I've never done that." She didn't say much else. She just left my room. It really hurt my feelings though. She acts like I'm such a mean person, but I'm not. I don't like myself, but I wouldn't do something like that. I've enver dangled it over her head that hse owes me money. I don't know if she thought I should just tell her that she didn't owe me anything or what. I usually just let things like that go, but this time I told my mom what she said and that she hurt my feelings, and my mom said that I should call her into my room and tell her that she hurt my feelings. Well, I don't know if you remember or not, but only a few days ago, when I hurt her feelings, my mom came in and told me that I had hurt my sister's feelings. So I went and apologized. But now when she says something mean to me, I'm expected to tell her that it hurt my feelings. Well, I didn't really want to do that. I just feel like when I"m having a problem with my sister, I'm supposed to handle it. But when she has a problem with me, my parents handle it. And she's older than me!!! It's not like she's a little kid who's more sensative than I am. She's flippin' older than me. And she's mean to me a lot. We're also best friends, but lately she's been mean to me a lot. She's snappy and she acts like I' stupid all of the time. She makes fun of me constantly. The way I talk, the way I walk, the things that I say. And if I'm on the comp and she wants to use it, I usually let her. But the few times that I don't, she tells me how mean and hateful I am and how i never let her do anything. If I ask to use the comp when she's on it, she takes forever to let me check my mail. And after I check my mail, I usually let her back on anyway. She always acts like I'm a mean hateful person. And keep in mind that she never apologized for telling me how mean I was for not letting her get on-line, but I had to apologize for hurting her feelings when I told her to leave. Well, I didn't have to, but my mom made me feel bad, and that made me apologize. I know they don't love her more, and I dont' think they like her more, but I feel like they're on her side lately. And that hurts my feeligns. I already feel distanced from everyone, and this isnt' helping. I feel like lately, they don't like me as much or something. I don't argue with my parents much, but I just feel like they are upset with me about something. It's really bothering me though. And my dad keeps talking about how I don't spend as much time with him. But he rarely has time to spend with me. And when my sister goes out to the shop with him, I feel like she wants that time with just him. And when my cousin's out there, I don't feel like I"m really spending time with my dad. And I'm busy a lot. This summer, I'll spend more time with him. But anyway. He makes me feel really bad when he says that I"m not spending much time with him, because he makes it sound like I just don't want to. ANd that's not true. I've always been close to both of my parents. We don't argue hardly at all anymore, and I really love them both, but I don't know why they are like they are lately. I know that money is tight, and I believe that has them stressed out, but it just hurts my feelings when they act like my sister is better than me because she's spent more time with my dad lately. And she's doing so well in school, that I just feel like they don't have time to worry about me. I know I'm just being selfish, but this is how I feel.
Tomorrow, I'm going to go on a strict diet. I'm sick of feeling fat. I want to lose all the way down to 120 this time. I never quite reached that goal. Tomorrow, I'm only going to eat cereal for breakfast (and not a lot of it) or maybe just a piece of toast with nothing on it. And for lunch, I'm going to eat cucumbers or salad. And for supper, I'll eat whatever my mom makes, but I want eat much of it. And I"m going to count the calories. And I won't go above 900. That's all I'm going to have. That's not at all starving myself. But that way I can lose some weight. And I'm going to try not to eat anything sweet or fattening for a long time. And if I do well, then I may eat a little more on the weekend, but not much.
I hate school. I just wish it would be over. I want to hurt myself. I still have about 10 weeks in some subjects, and even more in others. I really want to die. I hate myself so much. I want to kill myself. Life sux, and I hate myself so much. It's all my fault. Everyone else will be done before I am. I'm an idiot. I hate myself. I'm so stupid. I should have done something differently. I want to beat myself to death.
I wish had not eaten anything for breakfast, so I could start my diet today and start it like I want to start it. Oh, well. Maybe I'm just spending too much time feelings sorry for myself. I dont' know. I just know that I hate myself and I want to cut myself up and beat my head.
~element
OH, and btw, I don't have a mental illness. I'm not going to a doctor. And even if I did have a mental illness, I don't care. But I don't have one, so it doesn' t matter.
I would like one right now!!
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