Not doing so well...

Thanks Tortured_mine. Sounds like a good idea.

I feel sad.

My sister was bugging me when I was trying to search the web, and she started ticking her fingers on my chair, and I said "stop it", and she did it again. And I told her to just go in yonder that she was getting on my nerves, so she said "good", and left. Then my mom came and told me that I hurt her feelings. So I told her I was sorry that I hurt her feelings, and now she acts like all is well. But I feel really bad. I just feel like everyone is against me right now. My sister is CONSTANTLY picking on me and just pushing my buttons and she's always making fun of every little thing that I do to the point that I'm terribly self-conscious. But I do one little thing and it hurts her feelings, and I feel like my parents are all upset at me. This isn't a little sister either. This is my older sister. I'm sure you all think I'm twisting the story a little, but I'm not. My parents aren't mad at me, but I feel like they think I was being mean. And she said something about whenever she wants to spend time with me, I'm on the comp. Well, she didn't want to spend time with me then, she wanted to use the comp herself. And I'm not always on-line. It's just that every time I try to do something on-line, someone needs the phone or something. So I try to get on over and over so I can just finish what I was trying to do.

I feel really sad right now. I feel bad for hurting her feelings, but on the other hand it bothers me that she constantly hurts my feelings and my self-esteem, and gets away with it. That's what bothers me. I don't like myself anymore. I can't do anything right. I think I hurt my mom's feeling today also. I hate myself. I don't want to hurt people's feelings, but I'm just really frustrated today, and I'm kind of feeling like I'll pop if the least little thing goes wrong.

I feel so sad right now. I feel like a complete and total loser. I really don't like myself. I really just can't stand myself. And I think my dad thinks I don't want to spend time with him anymore, which isnt' true. The truth is that I miss him and my mom and my sister a lot right now. I don't feel close to them right now. I feel distant from everyone and everything. And it hurts. It's my hell on earth. My life is hell on earth right now. And now I'm mad at myself, because there are a lot of people who have problems way worse than mine. But I really am hurting right now. And my family just doens't see it.

i just really miss being me. I hate the monster that I am now. I want to be kind and loving. Because deep down inside, I know that' who I am, but lately, I just can't get the "deep down inside of me" out. I dont' know what's wrong with me. I just want to cry.

I typed that yesterday. I can't believe i was so upset. I started feeling a lot better last night. Who knows how I'll be later today. I'm very unpredictible!!

I am glad to hear that last night got better for you! I had a pretty lousy night myself, but that isn't abnormal. I too am hoping that today will be a good day. Hope your day continues to bring you smiles.

Thanks RAINDROP!!

I'm feeling wonderful this morning!! I don't know if it's because it's Friday or what, but I feel so much better!! My outlook on life is a lot different to day than it was yesterday. I feel so happy!!! I love this. I hope it lasts for a long, long time. I got to get out of the house this morning, too. I went to wal-mart, and saw two people that I like to see when I'm there. lol I feel so great. I'll probably be feeling bad later, but I'm not going to worry abou tlater, I'm just going to be thankful for now.

I'm listening to yellowcard. What an awesome band!! They have some really sad music, but right now, it's not depressing me. Any rock band that plays violins are good in my book!!

I beat myself up pretty bad yesterday. Emtionally, not physicall although I did take part in a little SI, but not too much. I do have a mark on my wrist, but It's covered with my watch, so that's good. I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself. Right now I'm happy. I don't hate myself either. I feel happy about who I am. I feel like the real me is here today. The happy, loving, caring me. I feel so great!! This is incredible.

Life really isn't so bad after all. I'll probably be hating myself again on Monday. But I'm gonna try to avoid it. I just wish I could know what causes it, so I could maybe prevent it. Unfortunately, I have a feeling that it's just teenage hormones, therefore, there isn't much that I can do about it. Oh,well. If it is hormones, I love my hormones today!! lol I'm in a crazy happy mood.

I hope everyone else is feeling okay today. And if you aren't, pm me and I'll try to encourage you!!

~element

I am glad to hear that you are doing so well today.
Walmart is that greatest. I really think that I may have some type of addiction to that place.
You keep mentioning that you know that you will feel worse later, etc.. Don't think that way!!! Think only positive, you are feeling great today and today is going to be a good day for you, I just know it.
Have you ever talked to someone about bipolar disorder? I have that and it sounsd like you have alot of those symptoms. Extreme ups and downs, etc... SI does come in to that too. I take meds for mine, which I know not everyone is for, but it really helps even me out! Maybe you should think about that possibility.
I am sorry to hear that you cut. But thats okay, we are here for you no matter what! Keep smiling, I love reading positive posts!

Wal-mart is Heaven on earth. lol, okay not quite.

When i first came to this place, I thought I was bipolar, but then I thought it was just depression> I really don't know. It's confusing> I guess I should go to a doctor, but I'm scared.

I'm not upset about the possibility and likeliness that I"ll feel bad Monday, but I'm just trying to accept it. Because I've been having alot of mood swings, and I'm pretty sure that I'm going to emotionally fall into a pit of depression again, but as for right now, i'm not even worried about it. i feel grand!!

Thanks for being such an encouragement to me!! I appreciate it!!

Being scared is normal. But people that suffer from depression are usually down all the time or at least most of the time, you seem to have some pretty extreme highs. That is why I mentioned bipolar.

I myself was scared to death to go to the doctor. I was scared for many reasons. But I got tired of living the way I was living and made myself go. Now I consider it to be the best thing that I ever did for myself. Granted I have my days, everyone does. But I control them alot better than I did without medicine.

Anyways, I am glad that you are doign good and that I have helped in whatever way it is that I have. I am here for you. Good days or bad days.

I'm not really scared to go to the doctor, but I'm scared to ask my mom to take me, and I'm only a teenager, so I can't really go by myself. I don't even have a liscence to drive. I really want to go to the doctor in a way, but every time I try to bring it up to my mom, I just can't do it. Maybe on one of these days when I'm feeling dangerously happy (had to throw and adjective in!!), I will be able to talk to her about it. I think it would benefit me to go to the doctor, but I'm just so nervous about asking her to take me. I wish I could just go and get help without her knowing, but that won't exactly work for me.

I'm starting to think there is a chance that I may be bipolar. I'm not sure. I had stopped thinking that, but now I"m wondering again. I'm so hyper right now, and I just feel incredible, like I"m on top of the world. And I'm typing faster and just doing everything a lot faster!! I feel GREAT!! I'm so happy. But I guess the only way that I can know if I'm bipolar, is to go to the doctor. Maybe one of these days I'll be able to get the strength to ask my mom.

I feel so energetic right now. I feel like I could do almost anything. I think I could do a ton of jumping jacks, and I could run really fast. Too bad it's rainy outside. If it was sunny I'd go try it out.

~element

THanks!!

im glad youre feeling that good, id like to try that myself sometime

you should try to tell your mum that you want to go to the doc, tell her and then let her make up her mind about it, if she agrees, then thats ok, if she dont then thats ok 2, cuz we would be happy to be the doc for you (though we cant prescribe any meds )

take care sweetie, maybe we can run together sometime

I'm not feelign quite as good now. I'm just a little sad because one of my friends is on this online journal thing, and we've been talking on there for a few months. He's really sweet, and I like him a lot, but now he decided to delete his journal (which means he can't talk to me anymore, because I only know him from the internet) , and he says he's changed. THat makes me sad, because I liked him just the way he was. He had no need to change. And I miss him very bad right now. Maybe through the day I will cheer up. Ihope so, but right now I'm really missing this guy. I just want to tell him how much I'm going to miss him, but I can't see him getting it really. And how am I supposed to talk to him now?? I can't!! All I can do is talk on my journal and hope he reads it!!

Sorry. I guess I just needed to get all of that out.

I'm scared to ask my mom. I'm not going to, I dont' think. A lot of things have me thinking right now, and I'm beginning to come to the conclusion that nothing at all is wrong with me. And I don't know why I was convinced that it was.

You take care too. I'd love to run with you sometime. That would be a lot of fun. Only, if it was a race, you'd probably beat me because you're a tall guy, and I'm a tall girl, but not that tall!! I would love to meet you someday. There was this guy on a tv show that we used to watch (the show was called "the Brendan Leonard Show", and it was pretty much just a bunch of teenagers with a video camera, so you can imagine how great this show was!! I LOVED it. But anyway, there was this guy that was 6'6" and I always thought he was cool. But I wondered how I'd look standing beside him. I'm tall, but I could just imagine him making me look REALLY short!! lol

My fav tv show now is smallville. Once, on smallville, this guy and his friend that was a girl (not to be confused with girlfriend, 'cuz she wasn't YET) were upset about something so they decided to just stand out, outside, and scream their lungs out. I want to do that right now!! And if I ever meet you, you can join me, and we will scream our lungs out!!! Wouldn't that feel good. Sometimes it just feels great to scream. NOt at someone, but just to scream and let your emotions fly away.

*hugz*

~element

I'm really sad today. I'm sad becasue I didn't get to play in my recital yesterday. I'm sad because I may never be able to talk to one of my best friends ever again, because he "changed". I'm sad becasue I have more school to do than I can handle. I'm sad becasue my sister will be out of school for a while before I will. And I'm so sick of people telling me that I can get it done in the time that I want it done in. It's just not possible!! People told me before that I could do it, and look what happened!! I am way behind. I was talking to a girl about it today, and she said that i was right. I can't finish 10 weeks of school in 2 weeks, but that I hsouldn't even try because it'll overwhelm me and stress me out. Why doesn't anyone else say that?!!! She's the only one that actually knows what she's talking about. I just feel really upset right now. I feel sad and just really upset.

And that one guy made me feel sad today. I asked him if he had a good birthday. He said yes and thanks but that was pretty much it. I felt so dissapointed. I wish he liked me more. Not necessarily as a girlfriend but just as a friend. But he doesn't pay me any attention. He rarely talks to me, and he just makes me feel terrible. It's driving me insane. He can make me feel so happy just by telling me that he likes my haircut, or by giving me a tin of mints because I like that kind but he doesn't. He can make me smile so big, and then he can make me want to cry. And it sux.

I'm just really down today. I didnt' feel like sitting through church. I felt like I was on the verge of crying already because I'm just not doing well, and then I talked to that guy for a minute, and then I felt even worse. And I was trying to smile and hide how much pain I was in.

Life is really hard right now. I"m not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. If I'm not better this summer, I'm going to...well I dont' know what I'll do. That's my problem. I don't know what to do. I feel lost and empty and alone. I feel distant from everyone and everything. I just feel so alone. And I just want to feel better. I'm so tired and sick of everything. My body is tired. My soul is tired. My mind is tired. I'm altogether exhausted, and I don't think I can take much more. This is killing me. Sometimes I wonder if the answer is right in front of me, but I'm just so blinded that I can't see it. I just want out. I feel trapped right now, and I want out. I don't feel like living right now. I just want to go somewhere far far away and forget about all of my troubles, at least for a little while. But I have not exotic place awaiting me. I'm just stuck in this crumby old town, waiting for life to get better. That's how I feel right now anyway. I have all of these places in my imagination where I want to go. I picture myself in all of these places, and I wonder if anything like them really exists. And then there are those places that I"ve seen in books, and I'd love to visit them. Like Germany, Ireland, Italy, Jamaica, Japan, Korea, More of US, The Bahamas, England, The Netherlands (yes, Tortured Mind, I want to go to your country), France, and so many other places. I just want to be anywhere but here right now. And I mean that about the place I am physically and emotionally. But honestly, I think if I felt better emotionally, I wouldn't mind this place so bad. I don't really mind living here to much, but I want to go other places.

I just feel so bad right now.

I don't think anything is wrong with me anymore. I don't think I'm bipolar or depressed (medically speaking). I'm not mentally ill, and even if I was, I dont' think I really care right now. I'm not going to a doctor because I don't need one. I don't know what I need right now. But I know that I"m definately longing for something.

~element