Not doing so well...

Vacation was great...until yesterday. yesterday, we were coming home, and we stopped at my uncle's house (about an hour and a half from home), and my mom tripped on some lose gravel and fell. She broke her ankle in two different places. Now she'll most likely need surgery and my dad has to have surgery on his elbow. So my sister and I aren't going to be able to get away much this summer, and money will be soooo tight!! I feel bad for my parents. Things are really going to be hard for a while.

So I will once again be stressed out!! My grandma is coming back today, which means it will be even harder to help my mom out. I have a piano lesson today, and church tonight. So my sister will have to take me.

I know my mom is still here, but I really miss her because, she isn't feeling well, and I almost feel like she isn't even here.

So now, i'm stressed out again. And I probably will be for a while. This is pretty much my last summer with my sister, and i don't think we're going to get to do much together. I don't blame it on my mom at all, but I just wish things had gone the way we planned them.

So vacation was great, but now we're back to the real world, and the real world has just gotten even tougher than it was before.

I really wish I just had a friend around right now. I have my sister, but someone else, also. I just need a friend right now. But then again, I've done fine without one for this long, why change anything. I'm so used to keeping things to myself, that I'm starting to wonder...if I had a good friend that lived aroudn here, would I open up to him/her? I can't see myself really doign that much. I open up to you guys, but sometimes i can't even do that. I'm really rambling right now, huh? Wow, three R's. Yes, so I should stop rambling now.

I guess I'm done for now. Okay maybe not. It just seems like, when things are finally getting good, soemthing happens to ruin it. And I feel like it's my fault. Like I'm doing something wrong to bring this on myself. I just can't figure it out. I thought things were finally getting better for at least a little while, but a little while turned out to be less than a week.

The bad thing is, I've had a feelign that something bad was going to happen. The feeling has not left me yet, so I'm afraid that the worst is yet to come.

Random note: I don't know if I have a mental illness or not. I know I said that I don't believe I do, but I keep contradicting myself over and over and over. I'm so sick of it. It doesn't make much of a difference whether I have one or not, though. I'm miserable, and then I'm happier than imagineable, and then I'm miserable, and it's a constant cycle that gets so old. So it isn't going to make much difference if it's bipolar, or if it's just being a teenager, or what.

My back is all bruised up. Don't ask why, because I don't know why. I just know that it hurts really bad. But I dont' want to complain about it anymore, because I'm sure a broken ankle hurts worse. But I do sort of wish I had my mom to pet me. She's here, but she's miserable, and I don't want her to worry about my back. I feel like I'm split so many ways. Part of me wants to be a mature adult, and part of me wants to be a child, and part of me wants to just be a teen, but I'm not sure what just being a teen is. I guess it's wanting to be both and adult and a child. I dont' really want to be a child, but I have soem "childish desires". Or maybe they aren't childish. I want more attention, and hugs and everything. But I've decided to be content without for now. I get hugs pretty often, and I don't really need more. I guess it's just that there's a part of me that doens' t want to grow up, because I don't want thigns to change. And now it's all so clear to me, that everything is changing. I'm changing and my world is changing. And there's not a thing that i can do about it, but to accpet it. And at tiems I do, but at times it's hard to. This was my last real vacation that I'll have with my family. Next summer, everything will be different. Where did all of the time go? How did it slip away before I had time to grasp it? How did something so precious slip away so quickly.

Sorry for my rambling.

Oh, and btw, I feel like I've lost one of my friends, and my other friends never want to talk to me. I don't know why, but I guess it's okay. I don't want to get closed to anyone who relaly doesn't even want to talk to me. I"ll probably make friends next year anyway.

~element

Welcome back .
I'm sorry to hear that your parents are having some bad luck but there is little point in you getting stressed about things that are beyond your control. Sometimes $#%^ happens and it's nobodies fault and worrying won't fix things.
I know what you mean about wanting to be child again. Nobody wants to grow up really because being an adult sucks! I'm 37 and I still want to climb trees or spend all day riding my bike just because it's fun. Last time I tried climbing a tree I almost got kicked out of the park by a bunch of irate mothers!
As an adult you have to have a reason for climbing a tree, you can't just climb one because it looks like a good tree to climb.
Sometimes I think that all adults feel like they have to pretend to be adults, to be responsible and mature etc. If one of us admits that really we'd rather be climbing trees than going to work it causes all the other adults to go into a serious bout of denial about their own "childish" desires.
Rather than admit that they feel the same way they attack those of us who still climb trees.

Damn, I've lost track of where I'm going with this whole metaphor!
Maybe what I'm trying to say is "don't worry be happy" and don't stop climbing trees just because your a "grown up".

thanx, and I thought you were a teen or in your early 20's.

Everything is going wrong right now. Things aren't getting better, they're only getting worse. Life sucks right now!! I want to beat my head on my shelf until the shelf shatters into a thousand pieces, or until I get a cuncussion. I'll try to resist the urge though. Maybe I should put off trying to stop SI, because right now certainly does not seem like a good time. It's amazing how much life sucks right now.

I'm fat again. I've gained a little more weight, and I'm sick of it. So I've decided to start dieting tomorrow. I will really do it this time.I have no excuse. I will start excersizing also. I'm sick of being overweight and feeling ugly.

I really wish I had a friend right now. I feel so incredibly alone. I really want to bang my head hard.

My sisters birthday is tomorrow, and guess what? She'll have no gifts to open, because no one can go get her anything. So she'll have to celebrate her birthday some other day. I know that sux for her. I hate it for her. Everything sux right now!! Everything. Why can't I bask my head in? It sounds so nice. I'm just a freakin' loser. No one cares about my problems, and I should learn to get over it. The world doesn't revolve around me, it revolves around the sun. I wish someone would kick me in the back, right where my bruises are until they turned purple. Sorry. I don't know what my problem is. I just no that these desires are completely abnormal and stupid. But it really doesn't matter. Who cares? Who cares if I have some stupid mental illness? Who gives a dang? I could always sit here and feel sorry for myself. I could just cry my eyes out until I created a pool of tears to drown in, but how would that benefit anyone? I'm just a loser. And I don't really care. I'm not feeling sorry for myself right now. I'm just thinking of a million ways that I'd love to hurt myself. I want to cut my arms to pieces. I want to bleed. I want to have ugly scars that stick with me for life to remind me of how stupid I am. I want to be an outcast, a loner, a sucker with no self-esteem. ROAD OF LIFE SIGN: You aren't the most important thign in the world, so start thinking of something more important than yourself!! I'm sick of myself!! I don't crare if I havea friend right now or not. I don't need a friend. I've made it this far without them, why would I need them now? I am such a selfish jerk!!

Please leave replies to point out all of my bad qualities and everything that is wrong with me. I want to hear it all. please try to make me feel as bad as I can feel.

So much for no SI, I hit myself and scratched myself, and at this moment, I don't really care. I deserved it, and I will probably do it some more. I also rubbed my blister with a rough towel, because it hurts so much. The skin is raw now, so I thought it would hurt a lot. I was right. I'm glad. I don't give a dang right now.


MUCH LATER

I hit my head some more until I got a headache. I beat my arm too. My sister took me to piano. She told me how upset she is about her birthday, and I can't blame her one bit. Taking care of my mom and everything else has already gotten old really fast. And we'll have to keep doing this for another 2 and half weeks or so. By by summer.

I got choked a few minutes ago, so now my head is really pounding. It hurts soooo bad. It hurts behind my eye, and my ear hurts, and the back of my head hurts. I just want to shoot myself in the head. I'm so tired, and I'm so sick of everything. And my sister and I are getting aggravated at each other because we're both upset, but we're trying not to be. And I"m scared that I'm going to hurt my mom's feelings. And my cousin is here and he won't leave, and I don't mean this wrong, but I wish he would, so we could get some more work done. I won't be able to post this now, because I can't get on-line.

I just feel so bad. My life officially sux!!! I'm so uspet!! Things just keep getting worse. My mom is constantly calling us to do this and to do that. And I want to do it, and I don't want to be mad about it, but I'm just so frustrated, and I feel bad anyway. It's hard to everything that you're mom is supposed to do, especially when you have a pounding headache. And my grandma is here, which means things are even harder. I just wish I could escape for a while. I know that we just went on vacation, but that was ruined, and I just feel so upset. Nothing can go well, can it? And I know I should be thankful that things aren't worse, but it's just hard to do that right now. I'm emotionally and physically drained and stressed. And this is making life sooo much harder. I thought it was "healing time", but I guess I was wrong. I thought my summer would be a time to relax some, and to do some fun things and to have my last normal summer. I thought wrong. I know I have things a lot better than many people, but it's sooo hard to look at it that way. I see my "friends" and they are off having fun without me (never even inviting me to come along), and I don't see why they get to. I'll have to get off of here pretty soon, to help my sister with supper. I stopped for a few minutes, because my head was pounding to hard to do anything.

You know, even if I wanted to get help right now, who the heck would take me to the doctor? But it doesn't matter, because I wouldn't get help anyway. They can't give me what I want anyway.

EVEN MORE LATER:

I FEEL GREAT!!

~element

I feel bad that you feel bad. You do not have the kind of life that you want. You think many other people have it better; maybe that life is not fair. Well, that's the way I used to feel when I lived at home and had to help out with so many things when my frinds were having a good time every day. One summer we dug up all the dirt in our lot and sifted it to get rid of all stones. I hated that. The project continued into the fall. I used to come home from school, change into my work clothes, and sift the dirt until dark-- day after day. Then I hated having to cut firewood every day for weeks. During blackberry season we would go with several buckets and not come home until everything was full--many, many hours later.

All that I could do was exist until I went to college and moved out of the home. That may be about all that you can do. Can you carve out any time during the day to do what you want to do? Not going to regular school and being around lots of people your age is a hardship. There is no doubt about that. It looks like you do not have too many options at this point in your life. You may just have to hang in there for a while until your school or living situation changes. Be careful about running away from you life--you could create something worse than you are in now.

On a personal note, I just returned from Toronto where I was with about 80,000 friends, members of AA attending a convention. I had to give a 3 minute speech before about 2,000 people. It was real scary, but I got through it and feel good that I shared. I used to think I was all alone with my problems, yet this weekend there were thousands of people just like me. It was quite a rush. You could stop and talk to anyone. Everyone was so friendly. Image going to a party with thousands of people whom you could talk to.

Jim S

Thanx for caring Jim!! And thanx for being nice. I'm doing okay right now. Nothing's really going wrong, but I'm just depressed off and on, for no apparent reason. I don't know what's bothering me, I just know that it's drvingin me crazy. I think it's a little bit of everything, and not a lot of anything. Sometimes, I feel like I'm on top of the world, and sometimes I feel like I might as well be dead.

I hope you're feeling good right now
I hope you're not hurting yourself, whatever you did, you didn't deserve getting hurt.

Element,
Please take proper care of yourself. You are loved and cared about by a number of people here at this site.
(((Hugs)))
Kathy

thanx for the encouragement!!! You guys don't know how much you help me!!

Hi. I decided to give you all an update on the life of element.

I'm doing okay right now. Not much has changed. I'm still having major mood swings. I've been extra busy trying to help my sister clean up the house 'cuz my mom can't do it because of her broken leg. She's also baby-sitting, which means we have to help out with that too. So I'm really tired, and I'm still stressed out, but I can handle this stress better than being behind in school. Speaking of school, I'm a little nervous about next year and everything.

I really wish these mood swings would just go away. I swear sometimes I feel like everything would be better if I just shot and killed myself. And other days, I think life is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I just feel guilty for feeling so bad at times, when others have it a lot worse than I do.

I went to two youth events this week, and I was ignored at both. No one pays me any attention, and if they do it's negative attention!! I don't know why people don't like me. Then again I do see why they don't like me. I just wish I could fit in, and be accepted. Sometimes I pretend that I don't care, but let's face it, it isn't fun to watch everyone around you laughing and smiling and having a good time, while you're sitting in a corner pretending or trying to have a good time. And I've tried to include myself in their conversations, but it never works. I'll start talking to them about whatever, but half of the time they don't even hear me!! And no one ever wants to sit with me. And my x second best friend (it's the best term that I could come up with) acts like I'm not even there. And she looks at me like I'm an idiot, but when no one's around, she acts like we're best friends or something. And I dont' know what to think about it. Is it really so bad to be seen talking to me?!! Sometimes I really just hate myself. And sometimes I don't like anyone else. I don't know. I'm just lost right now. I don't know if it's my fault or their fault or what. I just want a friend. I'm glad I at least have this board to go to!! I've made some good friends here!!

I keep having nightmares. I don't know what's up with that, but it's leaving me really tired during the day. I haven't slept well at night in a long time. My mom asked me if I had prayed about it. Yes, I've prayed about it. Almost every night. But I'm still having nightmares!!

I guess that's all. I'm being called to do more work.

~element