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Postby 987654321 » Wed Jun 15, 2005 8:25 pm

Thanks. I'll join you in being angry, I was so pissed last night it was incredible. The day isn't that bad because I spend time with friends at school
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Postby element » Wed Jun 15, 2005 11:00 pm

I feel really BAD!!!! I have so much school work to do. My mom says I'll probably finish NEXT week!! I thought I'd finish this week!! I'm so sick of school!! I can't take any more. I hate it!! I hate it!! I'm sooooo frustrated!! I just want to beat my head across my shelf (my wall isn't hard enough)!! I'm feeling miserable!!!! I'm depressed. I'm stressed out, and I'm agitated to the point of wanting to scream and break something. I want to bang my head into the wall until it goes through!! I'm so upset!!!! I'm so sick of this freakin' junk!! I'd rather smash my head into the wall 50 times then finish my school work. I have SOOOO much of it!! LIFE SUX RIGHT NOW!!!! I haven't SI-ed in a while, but I think I'm going to now. I'm not sure if I can resist. I'm so angry and just really upset. I want to beat my head. Gah, I want to hurt myself!!! I'm probably going to feel like this u ntil i do it. I'm not sleeping well at night, and everything sux right now.

I got hardly any sleep last night. I had a series of bad dreams, and I kept waking up and then it'd take me forever to get back to sleep. And I kept feeling paranoid because the dreams were so bad. I kept seeing this hideous image in my mind, and I'm assuming it came from my deram, but I can't remember what was going on in the dream, but that image kept playing back in my head. It was so ugly and scary.

I'm so tired and sick of school. I don't feel like doing any more of it. every day just gets harder. I want a decent summer!!!!!!!!!! My sister and I have all sorts of things planned to do, but it's going to be forever until I can do them. I'm so tired of school, and my mom just doesn't seem to understand. I'm so agitated. I'm mad and I'm getting more upset by the second. I'm so frustrated. I could bite nails. Ever get the stong desire to destroy something? Shatter something into a million pieves? I really want to break something!!! Preferable my arm!!!!!! oh, well.

I'M SICK OF LIFE IN GENERAL!!!!! I'm sure it will get better though. But living like this for another week sounds like hell on earth to me.
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Postby Tortured Mind » Wed Jun 15, 2005 11:19 pm

the only advice besides telling you that you should bang your head against something would be, when you do work and its getting hard.. try to breathe trough your eyes (ofcoarse you breath through you nose and mouth) but try to do it anywhays, it really helps me focus, makes my mind clear again and it might help you study

now try to hang in there, i know you can do it, but if you need to get some anger/frustration out of you, imagine hitting me..

take care Em
“The goal of all life is death.”
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oh!! I feel your pain

Postby NietzscheWisdom* » Wed Jun 15, 2005 11:24 pm

:x school sucks ass :evil: ...I have gone from a 3.8gpa to a 1.16gpa this year cause of my psychosis outbreaks...my english teacher calls me her "handicapped poet"...I'm failing all my classes except for my 5 art* classes :x DAMN THEM!!!!can you believe me being a freaking junior still ow a whole semester of p.e that I have to do this summer :x perhaps you can't believe someone could actually fell huh?...but I've always gotten a D- cause I refuse to do that gay $#%^ :twisted: ###$ I'm so screwed...next year I'll be a senior though WOOHOO!!! CAN'T WAIT TO GET AWAY

whenever I get frustrated like that I go find some weakling to brake...or just runaway :roll:
a world abandoned by its creator, a universe in chaos, this wasteland, this killingfield, an eternity of. rotten despair..
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Postby 987654321 » Wed Jun 15, 2005 11:49 pm

element, when I feel like you do I wish I could hurt someone, but not myself. But i wouldn't go through with it, I'd probably settle on something teeny :)

It was so weird, I was watching the Food network and there was this show called RISE AND SHINE and there was this cheery couple cooking with Alton Brown and off to the side of the screen there was this Asian lady on the show staring into the screen like she was listening. But they were oblivious to each other. It was unsettling...Did anyone else see this so I don't think I'm the only one?
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Postby element » Thu Jun 16, 2005 1:30 pm

the only advice besides telling you that you should bang your head against something would be, when you do work and its getting hard.. try to breathe trough your eyes (ofcoarse you breath through you nose and mouth) but try to do it anywhays, it really helps me focus, makes my mind clear again and it might help you study

now try to hang in there, i know you can do it, but if you need to get some anger/frustration out of you, imagine hitting me..

take care Em


Thanx, Tm. You're a sweetheart. I would never want to imaging hitting you!!! That would just make me sad. And besides, I don't know what you look like. :) Well, you described yourself, but I've never seen a picture. You don't happen to have a myspace account do you?

Anyway. Thanks for being there for me.


school sucks ass ...I have gone from a 3.8gpa to a 1.16gpa this year cause of my psychosis outbreaks...my english teacher calls me her "handicapped poet"...I'm failing all my classes except for my 5 art* classes DAMN THEM!!!!can you believe me being a freaking junior still ow a whole semester of p.e that I have to do this summer perhaps you can't believe someone could actually fell huh?...but I've always gotten a D- cause I refuse to do that gay $#%^ ###$ I'm so screwed...next year I'll be a senior though WOOHOO!!! CAN'T WAIT TO GET AWAY

whenever I get frustrated like that I go find some weakling to brake...or just runaway


I'm sorry about your gpa!! I hope p.e. will go well. Do they have weight lifting at your school? That's what I"m planning to do next year, when I go to public school. I think it would be better suited for me. You don't lift them so that you become a huge ugly muscular woman (like on napoleon dynamite), but you just lift them to get stronger, but not huge muscles, if you know what I mean.

I generally don't want to hurt other people. I dont' know why, but I usually don't. Unless someone makes me really angry or semething. Then I want to hurt them, but anyway. Thanx for the reply!!

element, when I feel like you do I wish I could hurt someone, but not myself. But i wouldn't go through with it, I'd probably settle on something teeny

It was so weird, I was watching the Food network and there was this show called RISE AND SHINE and there was this cheery couple cooking with Alton Brown and off to the side of the screen there was this Asian lady on the show staring into the screen like she was listening. But they were oblivious to each other. It was unsettling...Did anyone else see this so I don't think I'm the only one?


Yeah. Thankfull I never did hurt myself. The desire finally went away. I got extremely depressed last night. I layed in my bed feeling like a mild version of hell. It was no fun at all. I'm still having trouble sleeping.

Okay, that's weird about Food network. I don't understand what that has to do with life in general, but that's okay. :) I didn't watch it, so anyway.

THanx, Andrew. :)

~element
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Postby quiet-loner » Thu Jun 16, 2005 1:55 pm

I'm glad to hear that you plan to take up weight lifting. It's one of the healthiest, most beneficial sports that any woman could do.
It increases your lean body mass (muscle) and so boosts your metabolism, which means that it gets really difficult to gain excess weight. It also increases bone density so you are protecting yourself from osteoporsis when you are older.
You don't need to be concerned about getting huge muscles either. Most women do not have enough testosterone to gain a lot of muscle mass, and the proffesional women bodybuilders you see need to eat up to 6000 kcalories a day to maintain their weight.
If you aren't starting your weightlifting until next year why not do press-ups and body-weight squats to get a head start on things. Wouldn't it be preferable if you did this instead of all the self-destructive stuff?
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Postby element » Thu Jun 16, 2005 4:15 pm

Thanx for the nice reply. :)

Yeah, I think I willl work on some weightlifting and such this summer, as soon as I finish school. I think weightlifting is probably healthier than p.e.. I think it'd suit me better too. I enjoy lifting weights, and my legs are very strong. I can lift over a lot of weight with my legs. I used to go walking every morning too, before my dad went to work we'd get up and go walking (running) and then he'd go to work, and I'd go home to do school. It was fun!! I like riding my bike too.

Thanx. :)

~element
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Postby 987654321 » Fri Jun 17, 2005 10:52 pm

The food network thing was nothing. That's good that you didn't hurt yourself
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Postby element » Fri Jun 24, 2005 2:10 am

Well, apparently my moodswings didn't go away with school. I'm really depressed. I mean extremely depressed. Don't worry I'm not going to kill myself. But I really don't feel like living right now. I had a nice day for the most part, but now I feel like a zombie and I don't feel a live at all. I just wish that I could really be dead. I'm sure I don't really want that, but it's how I feel right now. I just really want to feel better.

i'm getting that distant feeling again. I don't feel close to anyone or anything right now. I just feel so dead. I want to be happy, but I'm just not. I had a pretty nice day today, but now I feel really bad. My sister and I went to a Christian coffee shop, and that was fun and everything. I got my hair cut too. Everything was okay, but now I'm really depressed. Nothing is really making me happy right now.


BTW, this has nothing to do with anything really, but I saw something when we were coming up my driveway today, and it was probably just a root, but I thougth it was a huge spider. It scared me badly!! I'm terrified of spiders. I even jumped and almost screamed. My brain was kind of on off mode (in other words, I was exhausted), and it just looked relaly scary. A spider crawled on my foot today too!!! It scared me so bad.

I'm already feeling better than I was. So that's good. But I'm still not great. It seems like I get depressed whenever I go to bed.

I had a nightmare again last night. I keep having them, over and over. I wish they'd stop. I hate them.

I guess that's all I have to say for now. I'm really tired and I need some rest.

~element
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