Not doing so well...

Thanks!!

Element,

Everytime my depression acts up I get these psychotic symptoms. For example: I live with my son and at night when I am in my living room watching TV I keep hearing the footsteps of a stranger walking up my basement stairs. It really freaks me out!!!

Sending positive thoughts your way Element

Kathy

You know, I wonder if I'm having some kind of psychotic thing. Because you know about my little problem with the demon thing a while back (i believe I told you about it), and I get paranoid a lot at night. Occasionally I hear things, and I'm not always sure if it was really there or not. Makes me feel so crazy. I don't think I'm ever going to go to a psychiatrist. I had considered it before, but now I'm not even really considering it, even though I think I may need to go.

~element

sometimes is see people or things in the cornor of my eyes, things moving in the shadows... stuff

it sux.. im 2 depressed and confused to go on...

I don't intend on pushing meds on people who are determined to stay off meds, but...if given the right meds they can make a huge world of difference. I used to hear the most scary sounds at night...and I used to "feel" that someone was right next to me...although I knew they weren't. I've had other psychotic symptoms too. It always seems to happen when I'm really depressed.

I hope that both of you are feeling some relief from your depression very soon. Just think soon school will be over and you won't have to carry around the burden of it for 3 whole blessed months

Hugs to both of you!
Kathy

I get weird feelings like that too, although I know no one is there, I feel like there is. And, I see things occastionally too. Like last night, I thought I saw a black bug flying around, and I let out a small scream, but nothing was really there. My dad asked what was wrong, and I just looked at him with a slight smile and said "Nothing." I hate to see or hear things that aren't there. You know how, when you're thinking something, it's almost like you hear yourself saying it? And when you think of someone else saying something, you can hear their voice in your mind. Well, sometimes when I'm really, really tired, I hear a lot of voices in my head, and I think they are all from people that I know, but it's really weird. And I"ll be so tired that soemtimes I talk back to them, and sometimes I just do it mentally....just thought I'd share.

Thanks Kathy,

I'm not quite as depressed right now. Today will probably be a long day though.

~element

Everyone, please be thinking about me today, even more than you did saturday. I have a lot to do today, this week, the next few weeks. I have a lot to do. And it's really stressing me out. I'm going to try to just take it one thing at a time, but I know I'm still going to get terribly stressed out, and that can lead to depression, and that can lead to si, which I'm really trying to avoid right now!! And I already know that my mom will most likely be pissed off at me today. And when she gets like that, I beat myself up even more than I was doing before. She acts like I don't really care about school. She acts like I don't care about how behind I am, or that I'd rather do other things than catch up. And yes, I would rather do other things, but I am trying to get done. one of my problems, is that some days I get so depressed, that I can't hardly do anything. I try. I really do try!! I just can't do it sometimes. It really drives me crazy!!

ill be thinking of you.

element,
You most certainly will be in my thoughts today.

Take Care,
Kathy

Thanks to both of you!!!

Today didn't start off so well. My whole family overslept, so I had to rush rush rush go get to school on time. Don't forget that I"m homeschooled, but I had to take a test today, at public school. I've been doing end of the years testing, at public school, since Wednesday. So that sucked that I had to rush so much. Then I got to school, and I was walking through the hallway, and I saw this girl that is in my class. Well, I don't really like her, but I thought I'd be nice and smile and say hey. She didn't say anything back though. She just looked away and continued to walk with a stuck up look on her face. She's always acting stuck up. She gets on my nerves so bad. If I see her tomorrow, I'm not going to smile or say hello, unless she does first. That made me so angry. But I decided not to let her know that. I saw another girl, and I said hello to her, but she didn't say anything back either. I sort of excused it though, because she was talking to someone, so I just didn't worry about it. I don't really like her either though. One of the girls talks to me a little more now. Not a lot, but at least she tries to make a little conversation. I try my best to find something to say to her, too, because I appreciate anyone putting forth effort to make me feel comfortable. I'm still not sure if I'm going to school next year. I just keep having second thoughts. I would sort of like to just wait until the next year. I'll probably just go this coming year. I've been kind of depressed today. I'm just not in the greatest mood. Nothing is really amusing to me right now, and I just feel blah, I guess. I have a lot of school work to do, and I don' treally feel like it, but I don't want to have to wait until July to finish!!

I know I sound silly, but I really miss my crush right now!! I wish I could just get over him. He's driving me insane without even knowing it. I sent him a happy birthday e-mail, but I wonder if he'll even get it. He probably won't say anything about it even if he does get it. Wow, I like him so much. He can make my day by doing the simplest things. If he doesn't talk to me all day, or if I get the feeling that he doesn't care about what i"m saying, I feel terrible that day. And then one day he gave me a tin of mints because I love thme, and he didn't really like them. Well, I felt like I was on the top of the world right then. And when I got my haircut last summer, he told me that it looked really good. He and his twin brother were both going on about how nice it looked, and it made me feel so special. I know I that sounds silly, but I don't care. I just wish he didn't have so much control over how I feel when I see him. or maybe it's that I wish I had more control on how I feel when I'm around him.

So anyway. I'm not having the greatest day. mondays suck anyway!! I wish it was friday again!! I feel really lonely right now. Everything seems so pointless right now. i don't know why, but it does. I just feel like there's no point in anything right now. And nothing is making me happy. Only a few things could make me happy right now. And I know none of those things will happen. I'm not like suicidal depressed, but I'm just depressed. I feel sort of apathetic, like I don't really care about anything. I don't understand anything anymore. Or at least not today. I don't really feel like doing anything.

I used to have a shadow in my old house, and I would talk to it at night. I may have even had a name for it, but I don't remember. Anyway, I talked to it, and it helped me when I was scared at night. I don't think I ever really told anyone about it, probably because I didn't think about it during the day. Well, last night I looked for a shadow, but I couldn't find one that I really liked. I know that sounds crazy, but some kids have imaginary friends, I had a shadow. Reminds me of that song, "unwell", by Matchbox20. "all day, starin' at the ceiling, makin' friends with the shadows on my wall, All night hearin' voices tellin' me that I should get some sleep, because tomorrow might be good for something. Hold on, feelin' like I"m headin' for the...breakdown, and I don't know why. I"m not crazy I'm just a littl unwell, I know right now you can't tell. But stay a while and baby then you'll see a different side of me. I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired, I know right now you don't care. But soon enough you're gonna think of me, and how I used to be.....me". Sorry. I was going to stop, but I got carried away, because I love that song so much. It's definately one of my favorites!!

Sorry for the long post!!

I just needed to talk!!!!

~element

I typed this earlier...not too long ago. I'm feeling a good bit better now, but I'm still not doing great.

I don't feel well. I'm not having a good day. I want to cut myself. I wish I didn't have any desire whatsoever to do that anymore, but oh well. I think I'll always want it when I get badly depressed or upset. I'm very angry at myself right now. I'm so stupid. I'm too depressed and just draggy to do anything. Therefore I"m not getting much school done, and I want to beat myself. I'm sleepy. I don' tfeel like doing anything. LIfe sucks right now. I'm such a loser!!! Man I want to cut myself so bad. I'm really craving it right now. I want it so bad. I just want to cut myself. I hate it, yet I want it. I want to punish myself. I'm mad at myself. I hate myself right now. I want to hurt myself so bad. I really deserve it. I hate myself so much. I hate myself. Man I hate myself. I'm a bad person. I'm a loser. I'm so disgusted with myself. I'm so frustrated. I'm angry, I'm sad. I just want to cut so bad. I need to get away from here. I just want to die sometimes. I don't want to go to Heaven right now though. I don't want to go to hell either. I want to kill my soul. I hate myself. I'm so terrible. I'm awful. I wish I was better. God, please forgive me. I hate myself. I want to cut so bad. I just want today to be over. I hate this. I hate everything right now. I'm so upset and so frustrated. I'm such an idiot and such a loser. I'm going to be doing school for a long time this summer. I'm such an idiot. I want to hurt myself. I want to punish myself. I deserve it. I hate this so much. I hate it so much. I'm a loser.

I'm only on lesson 107 in math, out of 180 lesssons. And I'm not doing much better in my other classes. I have a few book reports to do. I have a friggin' research paper to do. I have more to do with my science prodject. I have so much to do. This sucks so bad. I just want to hurt myself. I'm so unhappy. My breathing is starting to get heavy, which means I'm getting very upset, and I'll probably hurt myself very soon. I'm so upset. I hate myself sometimes. My muscles are tensing up, and I'm trying to avoid hitting or cutting myself. I'm rocking my chair back and forth also. I hate this. i can't stand this. I"m such a loser. Gah this hurts. I hate being me. I hate who I am. Sadly enough, i'm trying to think of a good place to hurt myself, where no one can see it. I like doing it to my hands and arms though, but I'm afraid someone will notice. And I'm scared to do it to my wrists. AI would really like to, but I'm not going to, I don't think.

I just hit my arm several times, really hard. I'm still really upset. And now I wish I had not done that. My mom and dad would be so dissapointed in me if they new. I'm such a bad person. I hope they never find out. I'm such a bad person. I don't even feel like I was being myself right then. I feel like I have some kind of demon inside of me.I know it isn't true, but that's the way I feel at times. How could I do something like that. I looked at myself in the mirror, and I wanted to throw up. I'm not me anymore. I just want to die right now. I wish I could die and no one would remember me, so I wouldn't hurt anyone. I'm so upset. I don't really mean that. I'm so sick and tired of everything. I can't this anymore. I've just got too much right now. I just can't take it anymore. I don't know what I'm going to do. I wish I could just throw up. I'm so sick. I'm sick of everything. I'm sick in the head. I'm just sick. I'm evil too. I don't know why I do the things that I do. I wish I could just stop. I never ever want to hurt myself again. I just want all of this to stop. I'm so sick of it. I'm sick of being depressed. I'm sick of hurting myself. I'm sick of feeling ashamed of it. I'm sick of everything. I feel very uncomfortable right now. I just want to hide. I hate this feeling. I want to throw up so bad. I feel terrible. I'm tired too. And now, I want to hrut myself again. i'm hopefully not going to though. I need help. I hate this.

~element