Not doing so well...

element,

I hope & pray that you can get the help you need. SI'ing can be a long lived issue if nothing is done for it. Would you like to go for therapy for this, or is it something you have already tried? I ask because I began to SI at around age 12. I had my good and not so good times with it. Eventually my self esteem improved and I was able to slowly let go of SI'ing. It didn't happen in a week, month or months...it took a while. But once I liked myself enough I no longer wanted to take every negative emotion out on myself.

I really believe that teen years are the most incredibly difficult years for someone to go through. I've watched my own kids go through them and at times they were in and out of profesional counseling. Nothing long term...just enough to help them over a hurdle.

I do so hope that your days will get better. And I believe they can...but hon...you need to lighten up on yourself. Stop beating up on yourself....and be kind to yourself. That's what I hope for you!
Kathy

Thanks Kathy!!

Element is feeling a lot better this morning!! I don't why but I just keep getting depressed. I'm way better than I was a few months ago, but I'm still not completely...great or whatever. IDK. I keep getting depressed and sometimes I don't know why or what I'm feeling depressed about. it SUX!!

I sort of want to go to therapy. And then again I don't even want to think about it. But I can't go, because I simply can not ask my parents. Kathy, if they did take me to a therapist for my depression, and I told the therapist about my cutting, would they tell my parents? Heck, even if they'd keep it a secret, I can't go to therapy. I just can't do it. But thanks for the suggestion, because I'm sure if I did go, they could help me, or help me to help myself.

I'm frustrated!! I can't concentrate when i'm trying to read my school text books. And yesterday, when I was taking a test, I had to read the same question over and over and still didn't completely get it. This is really discouraging!! I'm so stressed out with school. I'm sick of it, I hate it, and I just want the summer to be here!! I have a ton of Bible passages to memorize (because I get my school stuff from a Christian school), I have a research paper to write, I have science prodject junk to worry about, I have book reports, I have poems to memorize, I have so much to do. And I have an overwhelming amount of lessons left to do. I can't take this much longer. I am so stressed out. i hate school. I hate it!! I wouldn't mind it so bad if I didn't have SOOOO much of it to do. I'm exhausted emotionally, mentally, and physically. I'm just so tired. I can't take it anymore.

I just have way too much stress on me right now, and I feel like I'm about to crack. I'm really losing it right now. I just want to cry, but I can't. I hate this feeling. I really want to shed some tears, but they aren't coming. And I don't know how to release some of my emotions. I really don't want to SI, but I can't cry. And typing this out isn't really helping this time. I need a back massage and a hug. I'm hungry too. I've been so hungry lately, and I'm trying not to eat too much, but it's really hard when I'm hungry all of the time. Once again, I weigh 128 pounds, and I want to lose down to120, but I don't think I'll be able to pull that off until summer time. I'll be able to excersize more then. I hate weighing 128. Even if I'm not fat, I feel fat when I way this much. I'm just really aggravated right now.

I've been arguing with myself a lot lately, also. I'm just really tired right now, and I don't feel good. I want to go to sleep, but I'm not allowed too right now. Gosh, I'm so upset. I hate this feeling.

I keep getting really depressed, and it's driving me crazy. I feel like everything is going wrong right now. I miss spending time with my family. And I'm just not doing very well lately. The weirdest things are making me depressed right now. I have the music from phantom of the opera, stuck in my head, and it's making me feel sad. And Just every little thing. I looked at my coffee cup today, and it made me sad because I miss my dad and he gave it to me. Sometimes I miss my family when they are right there beside me. Everything is changing, and it's changing quickly, and sometimes I wish I could just make it slow down. My best friend, who already lives 6 hours away, is going to another country for college this autumn, and everything is changing, an dit's really hard on me. I can accept it, but it's just hard. I don't know what to think of anything. I don't know how to feel about anything. I'm just jaded and depressed. I don't feel like doing anything. i'm sick of the same routines, yet I don't want change. I"m not making any sense. i guess I want some change, but some of it I'm not so happy about. I really don't know. I don't understand myself at all.

~element

element,

You have all of the symptoms of depression. How you feel is exactly how I feel when depressed. Now this is just me...but I take the meds prescribed by my pdoc. They make me feel sane when I would otherwise feel insane,.

It does sound like you have way too much school related things to do. Is this your normal load of things to be done? Can some of them not be done and you would still get a passing grade? I'm just brainstorming here....trying to come up with ideas.

If I think of anything else I'll pm you.
((((Giant Hugs)))) and a shoulder to lean on...
Kathy

Well, I just got behind this year, because I had so much to do. And I kept getting depressed, and then I could hardly work at all. So now all of my work is piled up, and I have to do all of it!!! I can't take this, Kathy. It's driving me crazy. I just feel tired and sick of everything.

I wouldn't be surprized if I went to a psychiatrist and they told me that I have depression. But I dont' think I'm going to go to a psych. anytime soon. Antidepressant sound sort of good because they could help me to feel happy. But I just don't think I want to tak ethem. I don't want the side effects (especially from thes ones that cause weigh gain). And I just don't like the thought of a medicine controlling my emotions, but then again, if I have a mental illness, it's controling me/my emotions. So maybe it's just a lose lose situation. I don't know. I think anti depressents (or some kind of med) probably would help me. But I can't go to a doctor, so anyway.

Feel free to PM me. I like using the private messanger thing.

~element

you should take a few days off, relax a bit that might help.. go to school and do schoolwork when you feel like it but do something apart from it?

*big hugz* ill pm you and feel free to pm me

Tortured Mind, I'll get back to what you said as soon as I can. I wrote all of this earlier, so I wanted to go ahead and post it, but I have to go really soon.



I'm really upset. I accidentally fell asleep while I was suppposed to be doing school. I didn't plan on going to sleep, but I did. And my mom came in so she knows that I was asleep. I'm not in trouble but I'm scared that she's going to think that I'm behind in school because I've been sleeping and junk all day. And I haven't!! I'm just really tired. And I didn't mean to. I really needed to be working on school. I'm so mad at myself for going to sleep!!! And now my mom is going to town, and I want to go with her, but she said no. I was going to bring my school and everything, but she said no. probably because my grandma is here. I don't know. Maybe she's just mad at me for falling asleep. I don't feel good at all. I hate myself. I'm so stupid. Why did I have to fall asleep? Gah, I"m so stupid. I shouldn't have laid down at all!! I'm an idiot. I hate myself.

I don't feel well at all today and things are only getting worse. I want to go somewhere and get out of here. I feel so bad!! I bet my mom will go to wal-mart, and that's one of the only fun things that I ever get to do anymore. Maybe it's stupid to consider going to wal-mart as one of the highlights of your week or day, but when you've been me for one week, you'll understand. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself!!! I'm so stupid. I hate myself.

I bet my mom is mad at me. I deserve it too. i'm so stupid, I should have known that if I layed down even for a few minutes, that I'd fall asleep.

This day has sucked so much. I feel like everything on earth is going wrong, and nobody can see how much I'm hurting. In the words of Dashboard Confessional "so this is odd, the painful realization that all has gone wrong, and nobody care at all". That's just how I feel at times.

Well, if nothing good has come out of today, at least I've finally had a good cry. I just cried my eyes out. Of course, no one knows. NO one would care anyway. I'm so stupid--drowning in my pathetic pool of self pity. I really hate myself. Why would anyone on earth like me? I'm a pathetic idiot.

I just called my mom and she said she isn't mad at me at all. I think she knows that I'm tired. That makes me feel slightly better, but I still hate myself and I'm still feeling like heck.

~element

Your mom may have just wanted you to get things done--school work--instead of going to town. She also may have had some other reason for not wanting you to go to town. We can't always know what someone is thinking. We do not have that power. She may have just wanted to give you a mild punishment or maybe let you stay home to get some rest.

You are not stupid. The more you say that the worse you will feel. You fell asleep for whatever reason. You do seem to be behind in your school work--but that does not mean you are stupid.

Take life in small chunks. Do school work for an hour, then pat yourself on the back, take a short break, then go back to study. If you can't handle that schedule--study for just a half hour at a time.

But anyway, it was good to hear from you. Element, you may not realize it, but you seem a lot better than you used to be. You do seem to have your head above water on some days.
Good Luck,
Jim S

Thanks JIm,

I'm glad you think I'm doing better!! That makes me feel good!!

I wish I could do some school and then take a break, but my mom only let's me take a very few 5 minute breaks. It sux!

I'm really really upset right now. I can't do hardly any school because I'm so upset that I can't concentrate or anything. I don't feel well at all. NOthing is making me feel better!! I mean nothing!! I can't think of hardly any thing that would cheer me up right now. Only a very few things. I need to get out of here. I'm going to hurt myself. No I"m not. I don't know. I'm just afraid to be left alone in this empty room for much longer. I feel so crazy righ tnow. I'm upset and I'm depressed, and I don't feel like I can take it anymore. I feel like God is mad at me. I know he isn't. But why is everything going wrong lately? Why do I feel so lonely, empty and depressed? Is it my fault, or is there something wrong with my head or what? I don't udnerstand. I just know that I feel terrible, and I have no one to talk to around here. The only people that I can talk to about this, are you guys. And I'm thankful for all of you, but I kind of need someone to talk to right now, and I won't be able to actually post this until later. I'm typing it on wordpad right now.

I'm so upset. I'm probably not goin gto be able to get out of school until mid to late June. You want to know how bad that sucks and how bad that makes me feel? It makes me feel terrible!! It makes me feel angry at myself, and it mkaes me feel sad. Right now I feel like no one cares about me. I know it isn't ture, but it's how I feel right now.

I feel so upset right now. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to sleep, I don't want to be awak. I don't want to do my school, but I don't want to sit here and let it pile up. I feel absolutely miserable right now. I don't know what I"m doing wrong, but I must be doing something wrong, because my lfie sux right now. I hate myself. I"m so stupid. I don't even have any real problems, yet I'm acting like a stupid cry baby. I really hate myself at times. I'm angry and I'm frustrated and I'm sad, and I'm all messed up right now. I want to drown out all sound right now, and I want to close my eyes. I want to stop thinking for just a little while. I don't want anything bad to happen to me such as my brain shutting down, but I just don't feel like thinking right now, becaus ei can't think of anything good. I have nothing that I'm really looking foward to right now. I was looking foward to going to see a movie tomorrow, but that's really not cherring me up righ tnow. I just feel like crap. I hate this feeling. I really hate it. I"m just sitting here waisting away. Waisting my time. I hate this. I hate it I hate it I hate it. It sux. I'm stupid . i don't like myself. I just want to feel better. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't care how stupid or cliqued that sounded. I honestly just don't give a dang. I don't know who I am. I have no clue who I am anymore, all i know about mysel fis that I dont' like whoever I am now. I've changed, and not for the good.

I'm really depressed right now. This is the worst that it's gotten in a while. I'm in the bottom of the pit right now. THe pit of loneliness, depression, and just alltogether misery.

Why do I feel like this? What on earth did I do wrong? I'll try harder if I can just know what I'm doing wrong. I want to feel better. No one knows me anymore. Nobody. Not even me.

I feel so sick right now. I just want to throw up. I really feel bad. I want to smash my head across the wall, only I have a feeling I would break the wall. I guess I could smash it on the shelf. It's pretty durable. I don't know. Too bad that it'd make a loud noise and my mom would wonder what happened. I might just do it anyway.

I don't know what's wrong. I hate been feeling so much better for a while. I was so happy and content and for a short while I actually loved life. Now I'm miserable. I was hoping that the happiness would last for at least a month!

How much worse do I have to feel before I get to feel better?



I wrote that earlier. I'm still feeling pretty bad. I'm a little more mellow, but I don't feel well at all. I don't feel like being alive right now. I justa sked my mom if we're going anywhere today, and she said no, probably not. I need to get out so bad. I need to just get out of here. I feel so weird right now. I feel kind of crazy. I feel out of it and tired. I really need to get out of here.

I SI'd today. It was nothing major at all, and I don't really feel guilty about it. I guess I sort of wish I had not done it, but I honestly don't care about much of anything right now. I would kill to feel better right now. It sux knowing that I'm probably going to feel like this for the rest of the day. Oh, well. Poor pitiful me. I'm sure I deserve this anyway. I'm so draggy, I feel like I just woke up but I"ve been awake for a very long time.

~element