Please read this and advise I don't know where else to turn.

Hi, I believe it is possible that I have Manic Depression.

I am very "feschious" I don't think I spelled that right and if you know how to spell it please let me know but basically I am very "smart assy" alot. I tend to think of myself as being a "Mafioso" not really a Mafia guy, but I like to kind of have that kind of Attitude with people like (mostly from all the #######4 that i've taken from people), It's hard to explain. Also I get very angry at people I don't like, I hate "ghetto" type gangster people very very very very much.

I feel like no one in this world is going to F*CK WITH ME, I mean It, I am prepared to KILL if anyone tries to ###$ with me.

For example this one guy at work:


I would consider him a ghetto type ganster person, I know he is kind of a KID (he is 20 and I am going on 31), but I can't stop thinking about how much I want to kick his ass and/or kill him and that bitch who is his friend, we don't like each other, and there is the 24 year old asian bitch there, she is so ######6 mean, I just hate her. Her and the ghetto type gangster dude are like "friends" and sometimes I get paranoid that they are trying to "get" me.

Like my assignment at work is almost over, and I may be possibly be getting a job as a full time employee with full benefits, and only a small group of people were offered this position, and the rest of the people are getting laid off <i>(those ###$ asians are not one of them but the GHETTO dude I hate was in the small group that was offered a more permanent job)</i>, but basically, I told this kid back in the beginning of the job that he better not ###$ with Me or I am basically going to kill him. I didn't flat out say that I would kill him, I said "you better hold on with your life" which is kinda simliar.

I wish I never did that as that is what caused all my ######6 problems I am having right now, because I have been scared of him, I mean this kid is a (to put it bluntly) a N*gger. He is not a black but is a Pakistani, anyway the kid says things and goes around work like he is "crazy" sometimes he gives me dirty looks.

He has said the following things, not directly to me but I've heard him say this (no I was not hallucinating): "I hate white people", "My brother would kill you", "I don't care about this job", "What you looking at?", he walks around with a scorn on his face too sometimes. I honestly think he is on Cocaine or Methamphetamines. I seen him one night when I was leaving work and he was walking like "he was the baddest mother ######6 dude on the planet", I know maybe to you it seems like I am just paranoid but believe me I know what I saw.

This is kind of a long story but I used to sit next to "1 asian dude, 2 asian bitches (the mean one I don't like is one of them), that ######6 Pakistani dude), everyone else don't bug me", Let me tell you something personal from me, I don't care much for Asian people, I hate to sound like a Racist but its true, I hated the Asian dude I sat next to, and I really felt cornered by those ######6 BASTARDS, I am hispanic but I not really gangster ghetto type person, but these kids, I swear I wanted to come in there with a gun and blow them away, I thought about it so much, I knew I wouldn't do it but I fantasized about it ALOT and if the hadn't moved me I would of had to quit because I was going CRAZY sitting next to them, and HONESTLY it has made me "sick mentally" working with them.

Basically they moved me becaused I complained about the lighting at work, so we were on seperate sides of the building from that point on, but now, they moved all of us on one side of the building again and now I see and "hear" those ###$ every ######6 day AGAIN. This Pakistani mother ######6 kid, I swear I have a feeling he is going to ###$ with me, maybe in a bad way, he makes me very paranoid

SO PARANOID IN FACT THAT BEFORE THEy MOVED ME I FOLLOWED HIM AROUND 3 TIMES AT LUNCH, I COULDN'T HELP IT BECAUSE SOMETIMES I THOUGHT THEY WERE THREATING ME, HIM AND THE ######6 ASIAN BITCH WHO HE IS FRIENDS WITH AT WORK USED TO ENCOURAGE HIM WHEN HE ACTS CRAZY ACT WORK SOMETIMES, I FOLLOWED THAT ASIAN BITCH TO THE BATHROOM ONCE, I DIDN'T FOLLOW HER IN BUT I FOLLOWED HER, I HAD IT IN MY HEAD THAT I WAS GONNA ######6 WACK HER IN THE HEAD WITH SOMETHING BECAUSE I THOUGH I WAS BEING THREATED. LET ME TELL YOU I KNOW THIS KID IS A #####&, HE IS A VENGEFULL LITTLE #####&.

One time I said "train is coming", sure maybe in a asshole kind of way, but then he came back and said to me "Ghetto is coming" like basically telling me the "Ghetto" is coming for me.

Basically there is alot at stake for me right now, a permanent good full time job with benefits I have had jobs before and I have had problems with people at other jobs, so I try not to blame it all on this KID and those asian ###$, but I am at the point in my life where I kind of feel it is "ALL ON THE LINE", do you know what I mean?

This is a data entry job and thats a good job for me, because I really don't like dealing with people right now and maybe for a while, the pay is good and maybe I can have a stable job for once in my life and that is really what I am striving for because I have been a job hopper for a long time now, I have had so many jobs its pathetic, this is the one I want to hold on too for a while.

I DON'T WANT ANYONE TO ###$ IT UP FOR ME, I FEEL LIKE IF THIS KID TRIES TO ###$ WITH ME IN SOME WAY, SHAPE OR FORM, THAT I MAY NOT BE ABLE TO HANDLE IT, I MEAN IN A WAY I JUST WANT TO PUSS OUT AND NOT FIGHT BACK SO THEN THE #####& WINS AND LEAVES ME ALONE, BUT IT IS SO HARD, I WANT TO HURT PEOPLE, I WANT TO PHYSICALLY BEAT PEOPLE UP FOR TRYING TO BE A ###$ ASSHOLE TO ME, NOW WE GET BACK TO THE ORIGINAL PROBLEM, "NO ONE IS GOING TO ###$ WITH ME".

DO YOU SEE WHAT i MEAN?

I also have another problem, one of my ###$ head roommates is a "ghetto gangster type" person, I mean he is a correctional officer at a Juvineile hall, I mean you don't get more "ghetto type gangter" then that do you? I kind of got the feeling that he don't really like me which I am sure he doesn't and also he kinda tried to boss me around a little bit about $#%^ around the house..


I DON'T LIKE HIM, HE JUST GOT HERE RIGHT NOW, HE IS LOUD, I DONT LIKE HIME, I DONT LIKE HIM, I AM PROBABLY GOING TO TELL HIM OFF, I MAY NOT EVEN GIVE THEM THE RENT AND JUST MOVE OUT THIS ######6 FRIDAY...HEHEHE IF I CAN KEEP MY JOB, DO YOU SEE WHERE I'M COMING FROM???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, now we get back to the Original Issue, "NO ONE IS GOING TO ###$ WITH ME", do you see what I am saying?

I am so bent on "NO ONE IS GOING TO ###$ WITH ME" that I am prepared to do time in jail for that one simple ######6 fact.

The gave me "lorezpam" at the hospital ER room because I though maybe I had a brain tumor or something because the way these "GHETTO KIDS" affected me, I mean it IS/WAS REALLY REALLY BAD, the Lorezpam is a trainquilzer and that helped.

I have been trying to get medication for over a month, I finally have a appt at the Psychiatrist Dr. next Thursday, and tomorrow I am going down TO the clinic and going to try and get some more Lorezpam to help calm me nerves/thoughts at work. Because I really need it!

I am hoping that this kid doesn't get hired for the full time job, and mostly likely those ghetto asian ###$ get laid off at the end of the month with most of the other people. Thats is the best case scenario, I almost want to tell my supervisor what this kid has said and the way that I have seen him act so that he doesn't get hired. I fear to do this though in case of retaliation.

If you have any advice for me please give it, I really needed and wanted to get this out, this is a ongoing situation for me, maybe its all in my HEAD? Maybe I am just an asshole?

OR MAYBE THEY ARE THE ASSHOLE? MAYBE THEY ARE THE ASSHOLE?

Please help, thanks Ray!

actually i just say my roommate and he said "what's up" to me so I guess its cool, but see I get paranoid, I need those little reassurances from people to make sure they are not out to "get" me, but I really think this kid at work he might ###$ with me "I feel maybe like I kind of scared him which I am sure I did" because I did basically threated to fight him one night at the Quizno's with fist walk outside pacing waiting for him to come out, but he never came out to fight me, I really don't know what to do about this, should I just let it all play out and see what happens. Personally I think that is what I should do, not be such a PUSSY and just let the pieces fall where they may.

Truth is, I act tough at times but I don't really want problems, I am sort of a pussy when It comes down to it, sometimes I can be very defensive though, EXTREMELY defensive, especially when threatened, its actually one of the worse things you can do to me is threaten me.

dude...seek therapy

it seems as though youre going through alot, and i do think counsiling wouldnt be that bad an id..

it might actually help you

dude take care and dont kill anyone, i know how it feels (wanting to kill those you hate, hell i know) but trust me youll regret killing them, as far as i know.. prison sux

Go to your doctor and ask for a referral to a therapist. I honestly hope you can relax from this madness. While you're waiting for your appointment you can try out some relaxation techniques (maybe you can find some on the internet) - you sound like you're in combattive mode all the time. If you really want to get better I suggest you drop the mafioso (as you term it) attitude. It's just adding to your problems and creating agression. Just be a regular person for a change.

Of course it´s a human feeling to feel anger to someone who has hurt you. What is really insame is being angry with evryone or specific minorities. I believe you, but this kind of hate and the feel you show to kill these people (or mafiosos) as you say, are affecting you now and you will be more affected in the future.
In any way, you have to stop these feelings.
On the first play, I would wonder why I am so angry. Why I can´t stand these people?
Whether is it because they have threated me really, so I reported them to the police.
Now you´re appart from them. So, you can be more relax. If you think they are damaged your health mental. You can find another job.
Because, it´s sure that hate feps up hate. If you are hisphanic you will know how the things works in many South-American countries. Some people there give you a shot even in a simple car discussion.

Perhaps is a moment to consider the good values any person have. In many ocassions we tend to see only the negative part and desqualifying the whole of the person.

You have to stop this feeling! Good luck!

Sounds like your in a bit of a tangle, but don't worry. Thinking that you are a gangster or in the mafia is a common grandiose thought. By definition unless you are in organised crime etc you are not!!
And so are probably not in so much danger as you would be.

(And I had similar delusions when I was very unwell, but all I was was a young 'mad' stoner)...... Although for those of you who have seen the Brad Pitt film 'Snatch'..... we get a lot of Pikeys in my home town area camped up with their horse-traps etc...
Stealing copper from the telephone cables and lead of church rooves and trading marijuana for cahpets