itch

hi! first time posting i hope i understood most of this website on how to write these, english isnt my first languague, i hope i can be understood.

im almost 20yrs old, and i know theres somwthing wrong with me, dont know exactly what is it, i am medicated, i take fluoxetine and another one for mood swings (i dont have acces to my meds).

why i dont have acces to my meds its bcs i attemped twice by ovrdsign, and my therapist only told my mum that i had scidal thoughs, wich is what we agreed on, + i know theres smthing off with me bcs my dad offed himslf when i was 9.

with that little background now what i wanted to actually say, the itching. My twin sister recently if not yesterday attempted too w her meds, shes on sertraline. Shes okay now, she told me inmediatly and i comforted her, im now helping her to go out, eat all her meals and convincing her to go out with me and have nice walks and do sports.

the itch is that, so as she, im tired, it has been for a long while i feel like these but now i have to suck it up, its not like i ever ask for help, i stopped going to the therapist bcs i didnt want to be an economic burden to my mother. The itching that i always feel is that when im with my sister i feel like im her mother.

Ofc my mum is not aware of these, the time she knew i had just thoughs abt offinc mhyself she emotionally invalidate me, telling me i have nothing to be sad abt, wich is true so i just suck it up and keep going. Thats my role in the family, i shut up and do things.

But with my sister, she cames to me when she feels sad, vents to me, asks me for help, i feel this weight that i have to help her, and i dont know where the line between sisterhood and motherhood is, and it makes me feel sad, angry, i want to leave this house and move to another country.

One day i will. I know that for now ill just suck it upp and keep going.