Parts of myself becoming inaccessable after talking

Sometimes there'll be a private fantasy, or thought, that's part of my life, then if I speak it, or say something about in the wrong way, it's as if I give away its hiding place, or kill it.

I've heard people say that each time we remember something we change it, I feel some things I do are infected, when I perform them wrong to another. It's as if forever after I see it in the 3rd person, wincing.

My parents never even pretended to be interested in what I had to say. I knew never to share anything that mattered to me, but sometimes I'm made so weak by wanting to feel together with someone, that I bring it up, sometimes in an almost apologetic way, from anticipating a reaction that will hurt me, and even saying it wrong like that feels like a betrayal of it. Something having a bad audience can kill it.

We think of actions resulting from our thinking, and our understanding, but the reverse mechanism probably happens too, right? Like we see ourselves acting a certain way, and think that must be how we feel. Like if we're helping somebody, then we think, I must like them, right? When it could be that it's a negative motivation, we're avoiding the alternative, rather than wanting to help them for the sake of it. But then our actions feed into what we think, as if we're watching ourself and reading into like an outsider.

There's ways I used to feel, that I miss more than anything, and wonder if i'll be reunited with them in another life. Materialism, and evolution, to me, don't seem like proof against there being something to our wish. I believe our psyche is real, and of a piece with the universe, without any fudging of the details, it's a matter of perspective.

I hear responses in my head, people drowning me out, shouting over me, picking me apart, saying who I am, attributing qualities to me, damning with faint praise, passive aggressive compliments, pitying, it wears me down. Everybody in my life talks to themself, I could leave a mannequin in my place. My sense of self has been so violated, so insulted, used, my parents used me, i was captive audience, confidant, therapist, drowning me out, crying over me at the age they should have been responding to my cries. Hysteria. Like an emotional prostitute

I'm not really sure how to respond, or if you want a response, or if this post belongs in this forum. I will leave it for now and hope, for you, that you find some peace in your troubles.

MyLoveGoesWithYou wrote:I hear responses in my head, people drowning me out, shouting over me, picking me apart, saying who I am, attributing qualities to me, damning with faint praise, passive aggressive compliments, pitying, it wears me down. Everybody in my life talks to themself, I could leave a mannequin in my place. My sense of self has been so violated, so insulted, used, my parents used me, i was captive audience, confidant, therapist, drowning me out, crying over me at the age they should have been responding to my cries. Hysteria. Like an emotional prostitute

This kind of sounds dissociative.... on some level...I have always had an inner system and even had periods of my life when I felt there was an external mask with no connection to the inner world (maybe so they could not tell anyone of its existence and we could fit in with 'normal' at work etc)

I re-found what you feel you lost when I got isolated through physical disability and became housebound.

Maybe try reposting this on the DID board?

Levi

A late response, but i wanted to comment. I am also quite introverted and many times I feel that words don´t do justice to my inner thoughts and feelings, hence I seldom feel satisfied communicating them. In a way, bringing a thought out in the open can kill it for me, since only in my mind I can properly "treasure and cherish" it. This is similar to having a very appealing idea or story in my head which turns out mediocre when I actually write it down.Perhaps is this close to what you are feeling?