Connection between your parents/spouses and mental illness?

There have been a lot of studies how people with mental illness are attracted to other who have mental illness.

I was wondering if someone whose parent is mentally ill tends to seek out partners/spouses who are mentally ill?

My mother had an undiagnosed mental illness that may have been schizophrenia and my spouse was diagnosed with bipolar disease.

I have searched and found no studies that looked at this connection, but it seems unlikely it has never been studied, so I may be doing a poor job of researching. I was wondering if anyone knows what the scientific literature says, or what your experiences are?

My brother has Asperger's Syndrome. My sister is psychotic. My dad has paranoid personality disorder, and my mom is narcissistic. I had a relationship with a guy in high school who was later diagnosed with some sort of mental illness and put in an institution. Later, I married a guy who was a narcissist. Then recently, I felt a fated attraction toward this guy at work who is a narcissist. Luckily, I can recognize the disorder now and I stayed away. I never seem to connect with people who aren't mentally ill. I don't have many friends, either. I have one good friend who isn't mentally ill herself, but just like me, everyone in her family is mentally ill.

Interesting question.

My initial thoughts on this, without looking into it, are that it may have something to do with seeking "familiarity" or deriving your identity / self-worth from a need to feel needed by someone.

I think it's likely that someone, whose parents are mentally ill, will have been parentified to some extent and will have taken on responsibilities / the burden of caring for someone, not typical for children. They will be shaped by these experiences and may be more caring and understanding, towards those with mental illness, as a result. Perhaps, they also put up with more than someone who has not previously been exposed to this.

Looking at it from another angle, it may be that it was actually the mentally ill spouse who initiated the relationship, precisely because of the caring / understanding traits, and / or because other people could not handle their mental illness. So, while it may seem that someone with mentally ill parents thinks they're drawn to people who are mentally ill, it's actually the other way round (people with mental illness are drawn to them, and are the ones initiating).

Just a theory...

I was wondering if someone whose parent is mentally ill tends to seek out partners/spouses who are mentally ill?

No doubt! It has happened to me.

My father was a malignant alcoholic. Likely a narcissist, as well. My mother was his codependent and enabler.

My first girlfriend, as a teenager, was dysfunctional and had a dysfunctional family, as well. She tried to trick me into getting her pregnant by lying about taking birth control pills. She actually had the pills but, instead of taking them, she was flushing them down the toilet (or something) each day. I found out what she was up to and we broke up before it was too late. However, she pulled the same stunt on her next boyfriend and he did get her pregnant. She got her just desserts, though. The guy flew the coop and left her high and dry. I feel sorry for her but I can't say I don't feel a tiny bit of Schadenfreude, every now and again.

My second girlfriend was bipolar or something. It doesn't really matter, though. I haven't seen her for decades. It wasn't exactly an amicable breakup but we broke contact and never saw each other. Did I break up with her or did she break up with me? I guess it depends on who you ask.

My wife...now ex-wife...is Borderline. (Now known as "Emotional Instability Disorder.") She's also delusional. She talks to Teddy Bears like they are real. That's only the tip of the iceberg. There's a lot more that I can't talk about in a public forum. Let's just say things could have ended badly for me if I hadn't gotten out when I did. It was quite the acrimonious divorce! If you've heard the term, "Walking on Eggshells," my entire marriage was like that...on steroids! I can't say I miss her.

The thing is that it seems like every one of them picked me. The majority of girls I liked in high school always seemed to be unavailable. The ones that weren't were aloof. If I had been able to go out with any of them, I wouldn't have been able to bring them home to my family, anyhow. With a severely alcoholic father and, with the rest of my family being dysfunctional, there would have been no way to have a good relationship. There was a lot more going on that I can't talk about but let's just say that, because of the way things were, all the girls I wanted to date in school were out of reach.

The popular term that I hear, a lot, is "Magnet Syndrome." People from dysfunctional backgrounds often seem to attract dysfunctional mates whether they are diagnosably dysfuntional, themselves, or not.

I can't say that it's a true phenomenon for other people but I can definitely say that it's true for me.

Is it true for you? Talk to your therapist or clergy and decide for yourself to be sure but, IMO, regardless of whether you receive counseling, you still need to spend some time with yourself in true self-contemplation and go with your gut.

I think in some cases people with a mental illness seek understanding, and if a person themselves struggles it is probably that they feel a rapport with that person.

I recently had a friend who suffers PTSD and anxiety become a very good confidant and felt more like a sister (unfortunately for me a mind-altering medication distorted my reality slightly and I fell in love with them). They were never going to be a lover, even my feelings and emotions could tell me that because there were no sexual thoughts in any of my thinking.

Unfortunately, her mental health also recently struggled, and she is no longer a friend. I know that she is in a relationship with a gentleman that she's known for many years, and he also suffers from mental health issues himself. Even her ex-husband was a narcissist, who would physically and emotionally beat his wife and her started autistic son. That was when she had finally decided it was time to remove herself and the children from such a bad place.