What gives you meaning and drive?

Hi. I never write my thoughts like these anywhere, I look forward to get help! Thank you.

Lately I have a feeling which I cannot resolve, still I try it by reading philosophy, mainly stoicism and writing articles, but my thoughts feel like cant get out of this box, nor can it transform.

One, is that I feel nothing has meaning. I am deeply involved in hermetic studies, and I realized everything is made up by the mind. Only perception exist. Nothing is good or bad - though there is an absolute order, absolute good, but anything happens it is in it's will. So nothing can be outside of it.
Maybe this lost the meaning for everything. I was an extremely hard working, self improving guy, but I realized, there is kind of... nothing to go for, the present is everything. You have it all. No need to rush, no need to fix. But I can't chill. I feel guilty if I chill. Because, at the same time, the world pressures, I should do stuff, but I cant. I want to help people by writing, saving what I can, but I put too much pressure on myself. I see how all the alternative realites could be, and I'm in the one, where I improved myself to a really high point, but I didn't help my environment cuz of being too antisocial. I wasted my time, and now my time is ending. Is it a big illusion? Is it just my sub-con playing a wave-game which it always does and I just got trapped, or is it the reality?

I should be meditating, eating vegan, but I have no motivation or willpower. My sleep is ruined, but when I kept my diet, I could sleep 1-3 hours a day for a few days, and had no problem. (The mind can be used for whatever you want, the energy is in the imagination and you can generate it through meditation)

My question is... Wise thoughts? Ideas?
And.. What drives you? What makes you get up, and think and do? What is the point of going to the next stage, which is illusory, there is no next stage, at the same time, there is, because God only works in paradoxes, which only means it is in a higher pattern we cannot comprehend because we live in it.

If you lost touch with yourself, how do you gain it back?
I can not even write... Whatever I want to do, my mind goes numb for that thing. Only subconsciously can I do that, where there is no willpower used, only relaxation.

The are a lot of ambiguities in your post but that seems to be the point.

What is good? Is there such a thing as absolute good? What is "yourself" and can you lose touch with it? And if so, can you get it back?

When I was first diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Schizoaffective Disorder I went through an existential crisis wherein I questioned the reality of things. Was anything real? These were not hardcore delusions because they didn't define my reality and I knew well that in our culture they would be considered delusions.

All of that launched me into a life-long study of philosophy as well as university courses in anthropology, sociology, and psychology - all in an attempt to "understand" and thus find meaning.

The search for meaning is at the heart of human existence. Some give up looking and settle into a life of activity (roughly put), bordered by traditional beliefs (religion) and, at the other end of the spectrum, some obsess with it and struggle all their lives.

You say, "I feel nothing has meaning". May I ask, are you feeling a "flatness" of emotions? Also, since this is a "Psych" forum, may ask if you have ever been diagnosed with anything?

You're looking for fortune cookie wisdom?

You don't have to have motivation. You just have to physically do it.

Your future self will thank you, pity you, or hate you for what you do today.