What's Wrong With Me?

I would go for help elsewhere, but my therapist recently got fired and she never really helped me with anything anyways so I'm coming here for help because my insurance is refusing to set me up with a new one and I don't have money for new insurance. I was diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder when I was 15. I've had accomodations for learning disabilities in school since I was in 5th grade.

There seems to be this massive line in my family of schizophrenics. My great great grandma was schizoaffective, my uncle is bipolar 1, my brother is schizoaffective as well. I had hallucinations periodically from the ages of 8 - 13. I've always really enjoyed making other people feel like $#%^, even my parents who love me a lot, I like to be the center of attention, or I get angry. I like to get away with doing ###$ up $#%^. When I was 16 I made one of my teachers cry so the principle called me into the office and was going to put me on a behavioral contract, but I cried to her about how hard my life was and she backed down and felt sympathetic for me and didn't put me on a contract, and the whole time I was just thinking about how funny it was that I was able to get away with it. I've been in countless fights from the ages of 5 - 17, since which I have had no altercations because I spend most of my time either at work or in my house. I don't go out much.

When I was little, kids always called me weird and strange, and I usually only ever had one friend that I was really possessive of and I would get mad if he ever hung out with anybody else.

I was the youngest of 6, none of my other siblings cared to check up on me. My dad left when I was 4 and died when I was 11. I was sad for maybe two weeks i guess but it never impaired my ability to participate in daily life. My mom was really neurotic and controlling but never physically abusive. She never seemed to be able to get along with anybody though, including her own boyfriends kids and her friends and family. Same with me, even in highschool I only had enough friends to count on one hand, which is enough I guess, but everybody else I tended to absolutely despise, and I always find things about people that I dislike that put me on edge. I've always hated when friends would hang out with other people, and I feel like I have to intimidate them for them to listen to me and the things I want.

I developed a paraphilia when I was really little I think. It would make me excited to ragdoll toys I had or stuffed animals, and I later when I was a young teenager would go on my computer every night and try to find public photos of dead bodies which has always been a bit embarrassing to talk about. I always feel completely normal until I go outside and hang out with friends and then I just realize how different from them I think. When my friends don't have some sort of monetary or business-type transactions with me I always cut them off.

I have a girlfriend that I feel completely comfortable talking to about these things and she loves me none-the-less and we've been together for a year now, but I still get angry, like really angry when I don't feel in the spotlight, like I could start throwing things n $#%^ and making holes in the wall.

I don't feel like my diagnosis is sufficient. I don't know what's wrong with me, I feel discontent and if people here (i read the rules) cant tell me exactly whats wrong I'd at least like advice, but I would like to know anybodys opinions so i may be able to work from there. I honestly used to like being a dick to people but now it's really impairing my life.

That last sentence is encouraging. I agree that perhaps oppositional defiant disorder isn't sufficient for what is happening with you. But we can't diagnose here and even if we could we don't know enough about you to do so.

I have BP 2, OCD, and Schizoaffective Disorder. I was a pissed-off youngster (I assume you are a little older than 17) and liked to rattle the cage, and have the scars to prove it.

I'm sorry your insurance won't cover therapy, because face-to-face therapy is what you need, and to set up goals you can work on.

Being like you to a degree, I decided not to get therapy and it took most of my 20s and some of my 30s and a healthy dose of booze, to finally see the light. In other words, I made the wrong decision.

However, until you can get therapy, which it seems you are open to, you can start making a plan of your own, if you are up to it. Try to challenge yourself in every social encounter you have. Journal it. Try and get a way from fetishes. I'm glad you have a girlfriend that trust you. Maybe have her observe your behavior and give you feedback, if it doesn't trigger you. Consider the type of (good person) you want to be and focus on that.

Have you ever seen a Psych? Talked about meds? It's not for everyone but that is another option.

Not to get too philosophical but I started to change when I realized that death doesn't care if you are good or bad. You're going either way. I was mortal and my anger would never qualify me to live forever and rule the universe. Weeks after a fight where I got thrown into a window, nearly slashed an artery, and got thirty stitches, I thought about how pathetic it all looked - the fight. I was just this raging monkey in a vast universe. I felt silly. I thought about a girlfriend I loved years ago and made a commitment to get back to that feeling. But that was me.