Toxic shame? Help

Hey,

I’ve been heavily struggling with my mental health now for a really long time and have recently discovered my mum has schizophrenia and unintentional was emotionally abusive. This has opened my eyes quite a lot as to why I feel the way I do however although knowing this information has improved my quality of life and mental health a lot I am still really struggling. It is hard because I want to have the same experience of life as the average person although am constantly plagued with feelings of shame and anxiety. The experience of this causes me to literally hide myself and things in my life from others to such a large extent I don’t feel like I am able to be myself at all with anyone. I find this extremely distressing especially because of the constant anxiety of feeling like I’m going to be found out or called out on a lie or something I’ve hidden. I’m constantly living in fear and totally ashamed of who I am as a person. I just want to have the same amount of freedom as anyone else however I’m limited so much by fear. I have tried to face all these fears however I still feel fear constantly around others, I still struggle massively trying to follow instructions, do work or anything where I’m under the slightest bit of pressure. I actually broke down crying yesterday because my boyfriend called me perfect when I yelled at him for asking me to get something out of a bag.

Just want it to end, has anyone else faced this? I feel like it’s common with alcoholic or mentally ill parents thought I’d ask here

Thanks

I’m sorry that happened to you Australiandungaree. A book that has helped me is Healing the Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw. Good luck in your journey.

Hey dungeree,

sorry for the late response, but there's hope for you. Especially since you're already halfway too recovery because you know what the root of your problem might be. I can only imagine what you've been through growing up without knowing what you know now from your recent discovery about your mother and I'm sure the emotional abuse you may have suffered is what is causing your mind and thoughts to what seems to be some sort of living prison that you feel you're trapped in. There is definitely hope to end your entrapment but first I think it is best to question what may be left behind from the bad mental health you say has improved since you had opened your eyes too why you felt the way you did. I can't answer the question for you but I believe from what you described is that your self-esteem is not at a normal level, you say you are ashamed of the person you are and you lash out at your boyfriend. In my own experience when my self-esteem is low I question everything that is going on in my life and since you have grown up with emotional abuse, your self-esteem may have been greatly impacted along with your trust for others and yourself. I would first suggest finding ways of trusting your own strengths, be it through sticking to a daily routine or looking after someone or something else. I also suggest talking to someone other than the people you know, if you haven't spoke to a councellor I would suggest it because gaining trust from a stranger may help ease your anxieties and paranoia of other people. I really hope you get better dungeree!